Friday, November 27, 2009

Some supports from today's experience

Last night, before i go to bed i set my alarm at 10:30am but i had a thought what if i can not get up immediately tomorrow morning which as i see proves that i have no self-discipline? I applied self-forgiveness for this point then went to bed. But this morning, my fear still manifested. I remember i heard my alarm but i went to sleep again and only got up at a much later time. Then i realized i manifested my own fear. Then i immediately went into self-judgement and self-defeat. But i then realized that this is unnecessary. Such an experience is showing me that i am manifesting my own fear = cool support.

Also, i tested out with MC the exact time i got up this morning -- did not work mainly because i did not trust myself but testing with expectations -- wanting to use my mind to influence the result. Fear of trusting myself. Then i went into blame, because previously i am quite 'successfu in MC and now i can not = i want to blame this onto somebody else. This is exactly what happended when i blame desteni for why i have abdicated self-trust. A cool point for me to see how i blame others for an experience that i manifested for myself. This short time experience brought the whole point that i did not see clear into perspective = cool support.

Then i had some issue with time/schedule. I felt that i always fuck up with time/schedule = i regarded them to have power over me and i manifested experience for me to see what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. I mistook today as Friday and thought that i was supposed to take the MC test this afternoon 1pm -- but strage enough, it did not take place. So i went into worry, concern, anxiety, perceving that i have done something wrong. Well, it turns out later that today is Thursday. Haha, all these are self-manifested experience for me to see what i am creating within my world = cool support.

I also had a fear of not passing the MC test and move onto lesson 2. I perceived that if i can not move onto lesson 2, i am abandoned. I feared that i might be abandoned. This is what happened in the college entrance examination, when quite a few students went to Qinghua Beidai university and my father told me that ONLY i have been left out. I believed in this. I feared that i might be abandoned again. I feared to feel like a loser. I feared to feel defeated.

Then the point of identificaiton of self-judgement/self-torture/self-abuse/self-hatred/self-punishment with self-responsibility opened up. There are many pimples manifested on the top of my head = self hatred/self-abuse/self-punishement. The manifested symptom of my right hand is also related to this point.

A big point i found is that i interpreted self-honesty and self-dishonesty with polarity. Defined self-honesty as the polar opposite of self-dishonesty. I defined all of my past as self-dishonesty and perceived that i should do the direct opposite of my past in order to become self-honest, which is but my idea of self-honesty and through which i have fucked myself. I reversed my past, believing that this is self-honesty which actually turned into spitefulness.

I also found that my reactive pattern of going into panic and attacking beings within my mind is out of fear/feeling threatened. A reacitve/protective behavior of "do onto others what they may do onto me first" = attacking/abusing/murding/killing another which i feel threatened. I found that i actually react to many words. I judged many words as bad/evil. I defined people according the word they speak and the interpretation i hold onto to the words.

I also have this confusion with whether fuckface is out of spitefulness or not.

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