From several events i have noticed a program that i have developed within me: perceiving something to be very difficult even before i give it a try -- preconceived ideas/beliefs.
This happens when i am faced with something that i have never done before, i usually went into self-doubt and uncertainty, perceiving that i am not able to handle this, thus existing in resistance and procrastination, preventing myself from actually physically doing it without running thoughts/emotions/feelings within my mind. For example, i am faced with solving a physics problem, taking an exam, dealing with a situation in everyday life. It is a very common situation.
When i closely examine what these thoughts/emotions/feelings can do, I find that they can do nothing constructive but to fuck up what i am doing. All the uncertainties, self-doubt, frustration, self-defeat, anxiety, defense/protection mechanisms, all that is going on within my mind is not helping me to solve the problem at all. They are totally entirely useless. I simply discard them. Then no longer serve me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-doubt, perceiving that i am not able to handle it, not allowing myself to trust myself that i am able to do it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the preconceived perception/idea/belief that i am not able to handle it because i don't have what it takes -- i don't have the basic knowledge and information, i don't have the skills, i am not intelligent enough, i have never done this before etc etc.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, perceiving myself to be inferior to the unknown, instead of standing one and equal with the unknown, realizing that the unknown is the test of self-trust. If i can only trust myself within something that i have ever done before, how can i ever trust myself to change?
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past memeories, limiting myself only to that which i have ever known, what i have defined as who i am, not allowing myself to trust myself in the moment into the unknown.
Isn't it boring to always exist as the old without any change, repeating the patterns over and over and over again?
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the limited constrained self-definition based on my past based on that which i have known based on that which i trust, existing constantly and continuously as the limited/constrained programmed systematic expression. I am self-expansion.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the environmental influences as excuses for i can not trust myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as control, perceiving believing that i can only trust myself after i have full control of all the possible results otherwise i can not trust myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i can not trust myself if i have no control over the environment or i can be influenced by the environment.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as control, instead of realizing that this the very reflection of self-doubt -- if i trust myself i will trust myself unconditionally, no matter what the situation is -- i promise i will trust who i really am eternally -- i will assist and support who i really am as Life as all as one as equal no matter what -- i will never give up assiting and supporting who i really am -- this is real self-trust.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that when a point of self-expansion opens up, if i do not trust myself to push through the limitation instead i go it the past patterns -- i am trusting my self-definition as the mind consciousness system, and i am abusing the authentic self-trust as trusting who i really am to walk into the unknown.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as self-doubt, self-uncertainty, insecurity, fear of tripping, fear of falling, fear of being harmed, fear of being hurt, when i was required to walk into the unknown.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'choose' to trust my mind, instead of trusting me as who i really am as Life that is the unknown to step out of box that i have been living in.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in the box constructed through that which i have ever known through my mind, limiting myself/constraining myself, not allowing myself to expand to walk into who i really am as the unknown.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to treasure the box the limitation the constraint that i used to trust, fearing to step out of the box, instead of realizing that i am only abusing who i really am through trusting the abuse of who i really am within limitation/constraint.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to relate trust with a specific result, perceiving/believing that i can only trust myself when i have got a specific result -- if i failed i will not be able to trust myself. WTF? This is illusory self-trust.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define self-trust as something that i can only have when i have reached a specific goal, i have reached a certain expectation/anticipation; and if i did not reach the expectation/anticipation, i can not trust myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i have failed my father's expectation and anticipation, and thus i have lost my father's trust to me.
I forgivemyself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that my father trust me and that i need my father to trust me.
I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that without my father's trust, i am valueless and worthless and thus feel hurt/frustrated/betrayed.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i have been betrayed by my father, that i have been abused by my father, that i have been used by my father for his own desire/self-interest, instead of realizing that the trust that i believed from my father is not real in the first place and thus it is me having betrayed who i really am as Life and this experience is simply reflecting to me what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as betrayal of who i really am as Life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that trust is something that can be given to me, and that i can gain trust from another being, instead of realizing that if trust can be gained then trust can be lost and thus this trust is not real.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see that the trust game is used for personal gain and self-interest.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-trust, instead i trusted another without trusting myself in the first place -- that's why i can feel betrayed.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i must be the stability point in my world, and that even i lose all support from the whole world, i must be able to stand on my own two feet -- that is self-trust. I am self-trust. Even the whole world does not support me, i still support myself. I am still stable. Then it becomes irrelevant whether another trusts me or not. If another stand as what i stand as Life as all as one as equal, we have a common standing groud
and we can trust ourselves as another. If another does not stand as what i stand as Life as all as one as equal, i assist and support another as me to stand as the same groud as i do as Life as all as one as equal. Life is the groud of all beings!
If i am dependent on something, if that something can be lost, if without that something i will be different as who i am, then that which i defined as who i am is not real. Who i really am as Life has no dependency in any way whatsoever.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in bitterness towards my father, because i hate that he has betrayed me and that he has retrieved his trust on me, instead of realizing that the preception that i have lost trust from my father is showing me that the trust from my father is not real in the first place. The trust and betrayal are all not real - they are all mind games - they all exist within the mind as ideas. LOL!
I am grateful for my father to show me that his trust is not real. I am grateful for my father to teach me what self-trust really means. LOL!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting other beings, because i fear being harmed/abused again. I trust who i really am as Life as all as one as equal. I trust those who stand as Life as all as one as equal with me standing as Life as all as one as equal as self-trust. Only when we all stand as the common ground of all beings as Life as all as one as equal can we trust each other, otherwise we can only stand as self-trust as Life as all as one as equal to do whatever nenessary to be done until all beings stand as the common ground of all beings as Life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i don't have enough time to finish the test and thus exist in anxiety when i take a test.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as anxiety/pressure of time when i take a test.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the test must be very difficult and that the problems are very hard.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the ideas about the test is not going to help me in a constructive way in any way whatsoever.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the thoughts/emotions/feelings are unnecessary and that they are only fucking up what i am doing.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to fear that i may not have done enough preparation for the test or what i am doing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to succeed, existing in expectation.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that authentic self-trust is unconditional, and it is not dependent on whether i reached my expectation or not, especially that expectation itself is invalid because it is creating the polarity of success/failure, happiness/disappointment.
There is only self-trust and self-betrayal. I do not accept myself to betray who i really am as Life as all as one as equal. I will always trust who i really am as Life as all as one as equal. All the ideas of trust and betrayal are betrayal of who we really are as Life as all as one as equal, because those are only mind games.
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