Separation from my mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that somebody has done something onto me and believed it to be real.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to confuse imagination with reality, perceiving/believing that what has happened within my mind is what has happened in this world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as my mind, and within this separation giving my power away to thoughts/pictures/images/imaginations.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to what exists within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with another being because of what i imagined of the being to have done onto me within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful to another being according to what i imagined that being has done onto me within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what i imagined within my mind to be real within this belief acting upon such illusions.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize and see the absoulte ridiculousness of being directed by imaginations/illusions within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to the thoughts/pictures/images/imaginations/illusions to direct me, instead of me directing myself Here as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine within my mind that Sunnette accusing/judging/punishing/threatening/attacking me and believe thiese imaginations to be real and acted within spitefulness towards Sunnette. WTF???!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge Sunnette as fucking bitch and judge many females as fucking bitch -- within this judgement, i judged myself as bad/evil and want to justify myself as bad/evil and believed myself to be bad/evil.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by my own words and attack myself within my mind. WTF??!!! This is absolute ridiculousness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that there are two me's within my mind. WTF?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fight with myself within my mind. WTF???!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to abuse myself for what is going on within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim/slave of my mind instead of realizing that it is actually through separation and participation in my mind that i have given permission to my mind to control me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard my mind to be an entitiy more than me which has the power to direct me to tell me what to do/what to say/where to go/how to interact with people etc.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what is going on within my mind, instead of realizing that self-judgement is a statement that the mind has power over me and is able to control me.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that it is me regarding myself to be less than my mind and what is going on within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself for what is going on within my mind instead of realizing that this a statement that my mind has power over me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want fight with me as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard my mind as something out there somewhere which indicates separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to justify separation saying in mind "what is so bad of separation?" -- separation is not bad nor good but merely needs to be stopped within and as self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fight with my mind which indicates separation -- i am regarding my mind to be something more than me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be controlled by my mind, and want to do the exact opposite of what is within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accetped and allowed myself to form a reactive behavior, saying in my mind "Don't you fucking tell me what to do?" with spitefulness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to and repel all suggestions/advice/assistance/support from other beings through words.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since human beings can not be trusted i must trust nobody's words and that i must block all the information and if i hear some words/suggestions/advice i will do exactly the opposite.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that since nobody can be trusted in this world, i must protect myself by holding myself back and take nobody's advice/suggestions/words.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be harmed/fucked/influenced by other people's words.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be spiteful toward everybody in order for me to protect myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and alllowed myself to imagine within my mind defending/attacking other people who are trying to harm me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as fear of being harmed/hurt/fucked.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to accept vulnerability as myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that always being suspicious about another's intention is the way to protect me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to survive in this world i have to assume that everybody else is trying to deceive/manipulate/fuck with me.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that me as my mind is combing different pictures that it has downloaded to mix them up to form a 'new' picture to fit into the current situation and if i believe that is me i am falling for the hook.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the pictures and words that pop within my mind as bad and judge myself as bad for having these pictures within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim to the pictures within my mind -- feeling that i have been possessed by these pictures.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is going on within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to stop the separation from my mind and stand one and equal as my mind to direct my mind equal and one Here within self-honesty taking into consideration what is best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mind for what i experience instead of realizing that i am abdicating self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to abdicate self-responsibility -- as long as i exist in separation from my mind, i can continue to blame my mind and not actually change/transform self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to separate from my mind and blame my mind.

I stop separation from my mind. I stop being directed by my mind. I stand one and equal with my mind, directing me Here within self-honesty. I stop blaming my mind. I take self-responsibility. I am Here. I direct. I move. I stop. I live. I express.

Desire for confirmation of self-honesty

Self-honesty is self-evident. Within self-honesty, self knows that self is honest to self as Life with certainty and there is no desire for confirmation from another point. The very desire for confirmation from another point is an indication that self is not honest to self. I have this desire of being confirmed that i am self-honest and present that i am self-honeset, which indicates that i do not understand self-honesty and i am not self-honest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that another being tells me that i am self-honest and fear that other people may discover that i am self-dishonest and judge me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard Bernard/Sunnette/Dimensional beings/other forum members to be more than me, perceiving/believing that if they tell me that i am self-honest then i am self-hoenst and if they tell me that i am self-dishonest then i am self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can not trust myself to distingush between self-hoensty and self-dishonesty and must let other people especially those i perceived to be more than me to tell me whether i am self-honest or self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect other people to tell me that i am self-honest, believing that i can only trust that self-honest when other people tell me that i am self-honest -- which is but an idea of self-honesty and not what self-honesty really is.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have lived an idea of self-honesty.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that i am self-honest which but an imagination/idea within myself instead of living self-honesty witin self-trust.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that i can not trust myself to see whether i am self-honest or self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-trust -- not allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to present to others that i am self-honest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to prove to other people that i am self-honest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be judged if i am existing in self-dishonesty instead of realizing that this is self-judgement.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define self-dishonesty as bad/evil and that if i am self-dishonest, i deserve to be judged/accused/punished/abused/tortured as a payment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear punishment, and within this fear of punishment i defined myself as fear of self-dishonesty and thus resist/deny/justify self-dishonesty at all cost.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist/deny/justify self-dishonesty at all cost out of fear of punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live out my self-definition as fear of punishment which is a system construct/design that i have developed since i was a child fearing to be punished physically by my father.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a belief that if i admit something that is reagarded as bad, i will then receive punishment which has given me such a perception/idea/belief that taking self-responsibility by admitting what i have done = receiving punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in resistance/denial/justification automatically/immediately when i am confronted.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i become that which i fear/resist/deny/justify.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become by resisting/denying/fearing self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that i have trapped myself into self-dishonesty through fearing/resisting/denying/justifying self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have acccepted and allowed myself to attack/abuse other people within my mind when i feel threatened/attacked which most of the time is but my interpretation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being supersensitive and easily 'hurt'/threatened.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in high tension, always ready to deny/defend/justify what i have done.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still live the pattern that i have developed when i was a child.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to please/satisfy my father.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to want to get validation/confirmation from my father.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire my parents to tell me that i am good.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react within my mind, saying "how dare you say that? i will kill you." LOL!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of self-honesty to hide the self-honesty that exists within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards beings who tell me that i am self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse/torture beings within my mind if the being does not give me that i desired.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to say in my mind:"You fucking give it to me, fucking bitch" -- really a demonitc expression.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the reactive behavior within me, saying "How dare you say that? I will kill you. You fucking give it to me, fucking bitch. Who the fuck give you the right to tell me what to do?" and imagine within my mind of me being mad and furious and actually act upon these imaginations within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as these reactive behaviors, and actually follow these behaviors, instead of seeing the ridiculousness of the situation.

Some supports from today's experience

Last night, before i go to bed i set my alarm at 10:30am but i had a thought what if i can not get up immediately tomorrow morning which as i see proves that i have no self-discipline? I applied self-forgiveness for this point then went to bed. But this morning, my fear still manifested. I remember i heard my alarm but i went to sleep again and only got up at a much later time. Then i realized i manifested my own fear. Then i immediately went into self-judgement and self-defeat. But i then realized that this is unnecessary. Such an experience is showing me that i am manifesting my own fear = cool support.

Also, i tested out with MC the exact time i got up this morning -- did not work mainly because i did not trust myself but testing with expectations -- wanting to use my mind to influence the result. Fear of trusting myself. Then i went into blame, because previously i am quite 'successfu in MC and now i can not = i want to blame this onto somebody else. This is exactly what happended when i blame desteni for why i have abdicated self-trust. A cool point for me to see how i blame others for an experience that i manifested for myself. This short time experience brought the whole point that i did not see clear into perspective = cool support.

Then i had some issue with time/schedule. I felt that i always fuck up with time/schedule = i regarded them to have power over me and i manifested experience for me to see what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. I mistook today as Friday and thought that i was supposed to take the MC test this afternoon 1pm -- but strage enough, it did not take place. So i went into worry, concern, anxiety, perceving that i have done something wrong. Well, it turns out later that today is Thursday. Haha, all these are self-manifested experience for me to see what i am creating within my world = cool support.

I also had a fear of not passing the MC test and move onto lesson 2. I perceived that if i can not move onto lesson 2, i am abandoned. I feared that i might be abandoned. This is what happened in the college entrance examination, when quite a few students went to Qinghua Beidai university and my father told me that ONLY i have been left out. I believed in this. I feared that i might be abandoned again. I feared to feel like a loser. I feared to feel defeated.

Then the point of identificaiton of self-judgement/self-torture/self-abuse/self-hatred/self-punishment with self-responsibility opened up. There are many pimples manifested on the top of my head = self hatred/self-abuse/self-punishement. The manifested symptom of my right hand is also related to this point.

A big point i found is that i interpreted self-honesty and self-dishonesty with polarity. Defined self-honesty as the polar opposite of self-dishonesty. I defined all of my past as self-dishonesty and perceived that i should do the direct opposite of my past in order to become self-honest, which is but my idea of self-honesty and through which i have fucked myself. I reversed my past, believing that this is self-honesty which actually turned into spitefulness.

I also found that my reactive pattern of going into panic and attacking beings within my mind is out of fear/feeling threatened. A reacitve/protective behavior of "do onto others what they may do onto me first" = attacking/abusing/murding/killing another which i feel threatened. I found that i actually react to many words. I judged many words as bad/evil. I defined people according the word they speak and the interpretation i hold onto to the words.

I also have this confusion with whether fuckface is out of spitefulness or not.

Resistance and self-discipline breath and hands

Resistance

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in resistance towards writing self-forgiveness on resistance, using excuses that i do not know how to start.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deny and resist self-dishonesty points out of fear of judgement, accusation and punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge self-dishonesty as bad/evil/wrong and accuse/punish/abuse myself for the self-honesty points that i exist as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive i deserve to be judged/accused/punished/abused for the self-dishonesty that i exist as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge/accuse/punish/abuse myself for the self-dishonesty that i exist as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that if i do not judge/accuse/punish/torture/abuse myself for self-dishonesty, i must reward it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive it to be abnormal if i do not judge/accuse/punish/abuse/torture myself when i found that i was existing in self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to judge/accuse/punish/abuse/torture myself when i found that i was existing in self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that something must be wrong if i do not receive judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse if i found self-dishonesty points.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse as a way of life and have been so ingrained as it that i regard it as a part of me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe if i do not judge/accuse/punish/abuse myself when i found that i was existing in self-dishonesty, i must be self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad if i do not fulfill the obligation that the system has imposed on me which i have accepted as who i am.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when i have fulfilled the obligation that i received from the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to actually feel good about myself when judge/accuse/punish/abuse myself because i feel that i have fulfilled my obligation and that i am self-honest instead of realizing that this is only my idea of self-honesty which is actually fucking myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged if i do not meet the obligation from the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that the more i judge/accuse/punish/abuse myself for my self-dishonesties, the more self-honest i am. Holy Crap!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to prevent self-dishonesty through fear of punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse can prevent me from the self-honesties that i exist as instead of realizing that i am actually suppressing the self-dishonesty points that i am required to deal with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a reactive behavior of judging/accusing/punishing/abusing myself when i found that i was self-dishonest and perceive/believe that this is the way life is and this is the way i can correct myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that i can only prevent myself from self-dishonesty through punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that i have become self-honest after judgement/accusation/punishment/abuse because i have paid for my self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture as a payment for my self-dishonesty, and form such a misconcepttion that after these punishments i become self-honest automatically because i have paid for it and i do not need to deal with self-dishonesties any more, instead of realizing that self-dishonesty will not just go away after punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel unfair that after i judge/accuse/punish/torture/abuse myself i still need to deal with self-dishonesty points that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire an easy way out of self-dishonesty and judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture is the easy way that i as my mind interprets to self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture is only suppressing the self-dishonesty points and preventing me from facing the self-dishonesty points and dealing with them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief taht i can not deal with self-dishonesty before i judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to use judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture to move myself which is actually separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture because they are the tools that i believed to be my savior from self-dishonesty which is actually fucked-up idea preventing me from facing the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and actually change/transform myself.

I forgive myself that i have not allow myself to realize that judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture is actually self-dishonesty that is allowing myself to continue the self-dishonesty that i exist as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind reacting :"How dare you say that?! " LOL!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to continue self-dishonesty through self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture is much easier than actually facing self-dishonesty and dealing with self-honesty to actually change/transform myself, thus self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture is my perceived "easy way out".

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my "treasure" of self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture so that i can continue my self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the deception and manipulation of self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture which is ACTUALLY self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am actually mainpulating and deceiving myself to hold onto the self-dishonesty which requires me to face it and deal with it and actually change/transform myself.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that as long as i hold onto this self-defintiion of self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture, i can continue to deny/resist and continue the self-honesty that i have accepted and allowed within me -- i am actually aware of what i am doing but i deceive myself that i do not know. LOL. Fuck!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the law of resistance -- what i resist persists -- to continue the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture with the true nature of me as spitefulness towards who i really am as Life.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that both support and resistance of self-dishonesty is self-dishonesty in itself which is giving permission to the self-dishonesty to continue to exist -- the real solution is to stand one and equal with self-dishonesty, face it, deal with it, transform self within/as it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the polarity of good/bad, perceiving/believing that without such a distinction of good/bad the world will go mad, instead of realizing that the world has already gone mad!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to interpret desnteni materials through my mind -- if nothing is bad or wrong then everything is OK-- supporting self-abuse; if nothing is good or right then everything is evil and wrong -- judgement/accusation/punishment/torture -- resisting self-abuse = supporting self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that if i do not resist i must support and continue, instead of realizing that both resistance and support is continuing the self-abuse -- real change comes from embracing, stopping and transforming Here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to copy/download programs that i have been taught through my life and use this prgramto interprete self-honesty and self-dishonesty.

I stop! Till here no further!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the education system and schoolwork as bad, perceiving that if i am existing in the education system i must be fucked up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the system, existing in resistance towards being in the system instead of realizing that this process is to be in the system yet not of the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the education system as bad and believe whoever in the education system must be a robot -- so that the only way out is to escape from the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be a slave in the education system and want to escape from the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system instead of standing one and equal with the system direct myself equal and one Here in and as the system to transform my experience in the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that whatever i do in the education system is all self-dishonesty, and thus existing in stagnation -- not moving myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as being self-dishonest and fear self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in resistance towards schoolwork, because i do not feel like doing schoolwork within judgement that -- schoolwork is all system stuff and if i do schoolwork i am self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the fact that i used to be very effective in the system but now i perceive that i have fucked myself and exist in constant and continuous cycles without effectiveness in getting out of this mess.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have judged/believed my effectiveness in the education system and highly developped technique of dealing with information as self-dishonesty and abdicated such effectiveness through fear of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have formed a fucking idea of self-dishonesty -- believing effectiveness in the system and ability to process information effectively to be self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that if i am effective in the system i must be self-dishonest and if i am self-honest i must be fucking stupid in the system -- so i should abdicate effectiveness in processing information and effectiveness in dealing with school mateirals in order for me to be self-honest. Fucking stupid!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be extremely angry with the fact that i deliberately abdicated my effectiveness in the education system for my perceived idea of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame other people for my current experience of ineffectiveness in the education system dealing with schoolwork, instead of realizing that i am responsible for my own stupidity.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame those who have judged the education system as bad for misleading me to abdicate effectiveness in the education system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as fucking stupid to deliberately abdicate effectiveness in the system and wish i did not do this.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret for having abdicated my effectiveness in the system instead of realizing that regret will change nothing and blame will make no difference.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant to deal with what is Here as the fact that i have deliberately dumbed myself down to become my perceived idea of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself physically by hitting my head using my hand, instead of realizing self-abuse is not going to make a difference and can only make things worse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge knowledge and information in the education system, perceiving/believing that they are from the system and if i learn/study them they will fuck me and i will become self-dishonest -- thus existing in resistance and inner conflicts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear dealing with information through judging informaiton as bad and perceive it to have power over me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe whatever i do in the education system is self-dishonesty and there is no way out.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to knowledge and informaiton through fear of dealing with them because i have judged them as from system which can fuck me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the system instead of realizing that it is to exist in the sytem yet not of the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to formed such a perception/idea/belief that as long as i am in the education system whatever i do is self-dishonesty, yet at the same time i have to be in the system -- thus existing in constant and continuous resistance and inner conflicts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to just want to escape from the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate desteni from the system, perceiving that desteni is good and the system is bad -- existing in polarity.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define desteni materials as good and whatever other materials are from the sytem and thus bad -- exsting in polarity.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard desteni materials as like a bible and block all other sources of information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that desteni materials are the only source of information that i can trust and any other sources of information is self-dishonesty and will fuck me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fucked by information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in resistance towards other sources of information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect myself by only holding onto desteni materials and blocking all other sources of information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that if i read any other information from a source that is not directly from desteni or approved by desteni, then i must be self-dishonest and that i am fucking myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being harmed by the system and influenced by system information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i can not trust myself and i can only trust desteni which i regared as my savior -- abdicating myself completely and exisiting in separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abandon the self-trust that i have built and follow desteni like following a religion and thus fucked myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry for abandoning self-trust/self-certainty/self-confidence and effectiveness in the system and now i have to rebuild them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame desteni materials for why i have abandoned self-trust/self-certainty/self-confidence and effectiveness in the system instead of realizing that it is the idea that i have formed about desteni and my interpretation of desteni materials through my mind that has fucked me -- i have fucked myself and i am responsible.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to resist school materials and only want to read desteni materials -- so i procrastinated doing all the schoolwork until the last minute of the dealine and i have to do the schoolwork which i judged as bad with much anxiety/frustration/self-judgement/doubt/resistance/denial/anger/irritation/hate and sometimes when i can not meet the dealine i will just give up and judge the schoolwork as stupid system information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself constantly and continuously with such a fucking cycle when i procrastinate schoolwork until the shit hits the fan and i have to experience all the mindshit again and again and again and again in the fucking cycle.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify my experience of me existing in the fukcing cycle as self-honesty, perceiving/believing that this is self-honesty because previously when i was in the education system i was quite stable and able to handle schoolwork and information with high efficiency which i judged as self-dishonesty and abandoned -- now i become different so this must be self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that effectiveness in the system is self-honesty and ineffectiveness in the system is self-honesty. I can not believe i can form such a fucking stupid idea.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the idea through judging it -- not willing to let go of what happened in the past. I stop!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on the 'mistake' that i made in my past instead of assisting and supporting myself to transform myself here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a habbit of "doing the things that i feel like doing first and then the things i do not feel like doing", instead of realizing that this is the very behavior leading to procrastination and laziness -- in order to break this patterrn of procrastination and laziness "do the things which i resist first and then the things that i enjoy" -- and at the same time clear resistance towards those that i resist -- resistance is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to categorize things into those i resist and those i enjoy instead of realizing that this categorization exists because i have formed an idea and expectation about what i do -- clear all perceptions/ideas/beliefs to release the construct of resistance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from the discomfort that i experience when i am dealing with things that i resist -- thus the motivation of procrastination.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what i experience as discomfort and want to escape from it/suppress it or do something else like those things that i apparently enjoy to not have to face it, instead of investigating why i experience resistance and discomfort in the first place.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to define doing something that i do not feel like doing is self-abuse -- instead of realizing that i am only following and trusting my feeling which is of my mind -- trusting/following feelings is self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only want to deal with those that i feel like doing and reject those i do not feel like doing -- this is a program and can not be accepted.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoid that which i resist instead of realizing that i am only hiding from the problem and the problem will not go away by itself -- i have to push through the resistance and deal with the problem.

Push through resistances no matter what!

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the things that i resist may not actually be that 'bad' or boring but may be only the illusion of an idea that is actually preventing me from pushing through it to see the illusion of an idea.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to do things according to my perceptions/ideas/beliefs that i have formed -- doing those i perceive that i enjoy first while procrastinating those i perceive that i do not enjoy and thus resist.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastination through holding onto the idea that if i do that which i judged as system stuff and thus i resist, i will be supporting the system and thus i am self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use my idea of self-honesty and self-dishonesty to justify resistance and procrastination -- perceiving believing that there is no way out but resistance and procrastination.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that resistance and procrastination is the best solution to exist in the system and remain self-honest, which is but my fucked-up idea of self-honesty and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that escaping from the system, resistance and procrastination is the best solution to exist in the system within self-honesty while it is obviously not working but only fucking me in the constant and continuous cycles.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that self-honesty is to not participate in the system and self-dishonesty is to participate in the system instead of realizing that the difference between self-honesty and self-dishonesty is dependent on the starting point and that self-honesty requires active participation in the system but not of the system -- taking into consideration what is best for all within participation in the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a fuck-up, existing in frustration that i have fucked myself through following my idea of self-honesty and self-honesty.
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self-discipline

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as lack of self-discipline because of my constant and continuous participation in procrastination and failure of getting out of the cycle.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to define myself as a loser existing in self-defeat, perceiving that i will never get out of this fucking cycle that i am experiencing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will never be able to get out of this cycle of procrastination -- through justification that i do not have what it takes as self-discipline.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i do not have self-discipline instead of realizing that i am only using excuses and justifications to not assist and support who i really am as Life but only want to hold onto my personality definition which is placing self-interest over Life's interest and thus self-abuse and can not be tolerated in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to have some motivation for me to be self-disciplined instead of realizing a motivation is separation and when that motivation discipates i will not be able to be disciplined thus this self-discipline is not real but pursuit of self-interest based on separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to self-disciplined to assist and support who i really am as Life as all as one as equal, which indicates that i am actually enjoying self-abuse to continue to fuck myself.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that self-discipline is out of self-responsibility -- the responsibility towards self as Life as all as one as equal -- self-discipline is the living statement of not allowing self to exist in self-abuse no matter what.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to gain self-discipline instead of realizing that self-discipline is the natural expression of who i really am as Life -- the only reason that i am not self-disciplined is because i am not actually interested in who i really am as Life -- otherwise i will do whatever it takes to discipline myself in the process of self-realization as Life.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that believing that i do not have self-discipline and want to gain self-discipline first is only me manipulating/justifying/holding onto enlightened self-interest.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i actually enjoy self-abuse = enjoy fucking myself and use lack self-discipline to justify and continue. Fuck! I stop!
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Breath

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive it to be very hard for me to be aware of each and every single breath -- perceiving it to be an almost impossible task.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist assisiting and supporting myself to be aware of my breath because i perceived that i am not able to do it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i may fail in assisting and supporting myself to be aware of each and every single breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel frustrated when i realize that i am not aware of me as breath Here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to succeed in being aware of each and every single breath and fear failure.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when i found that i failed to remain here as awareness as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-defeat when i found that i have lost myself in my mind without me being here as awareness as breath for a long period and will stop assisting and supporting myself to bring myself back here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as self-defeat and separate myself from self-defeat by judging self-defeat as bad.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid making myself feel bad.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define it to be self-abuse to do something that makes me feel bad -- only want to work with that which makes me feel good about myself -- supporting my own self-definitions, and never challeng them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only deal with that which makes me feel good about myself - that which supports my personality design within self-dishonesty while avoid that which makes me feel bad about myself - that which challenges my personality design within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to do things from the starting point of making myself feel good instead of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to replace self-honesty with feeling good about myself and self-dishonesty with feeling bad about myself, instead of realizing that i am following my feeling and trusting my mind design.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications/excuses/reasons "What is the point of doing something that makes me feel bad about myself? Isn't that self-abuse?" to continue to exist in the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to be and become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that self-honesty will make me feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuses/justifications/reasons that i have the right/free will to make myself feel good about myself and nobody can deprive me of this right -- me protecting my mind design within enlightened self-interest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoid challenging my own mind design but only want to protect it which is self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to do something from the starting point of getting a reward -- feeling good about of myself is a reward.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that it is natural and normal to avoid that which makes me feel bad as punishment and pursue that which makes me feel good as reward.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the polarity of good/bad and reward/punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it makes sense to pursue reward while avoid punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define that which makes me feel good as reward and that which makes me feel bad as punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to purceive/believe that if i do something that makes me feel bad including challenging my own self-dishonesty within self-honesty, i am punishing myself and abusing myself instead of realizing that this a programmed perception/idea/belief.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear punishment and do whatever it takes to avoid punishment and feel bad.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the polarity of good/bad reward/punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be self-honest because self-honesty makes me feel bad about myself when i see the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed within me and according to my idea that making me feel bad is self-punishment thus self-abuse -- but all these are programs that i have accepted and allowed as who i am.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that it is not about make me feel good or bad about myself it is about self-honesty or self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to categorize self-honesty and self-dishonesty according to my feelings -- that which i have learned and known and that which i have placed trust in.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place self-honesty/self-dishonesty within the construct of polarity.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that making myself feel good about myself within self-dishonesty is real self-abuse while challenging my own mind design which may make me feel bad within in self-honesty is the real gift that i can give to myself -- the world is in reverse -- those things that i perceive that i enjoy i may not actually enjoy while those i perceive that i do not enjoy i may ACTUALLY enjoy.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that feeling is not trustworthy. I stop trusting my feelings as feeling good and feeling bad based on my preprogrammed perception/idea/belief and stop pursuing reward while fear punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to perceive that i do not have the motivation to assist and support me as awareness as breath instead of realizing that motivation as desire for reward is a program that i have allowed to exist within me which is preventing me from moving myself within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that using a separate point as reward as a motivation to move me is not self-movment -- me moving myself/directing myself within self-honesty without separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that being aware of each and every single breath is impossible and thus existing in self-defeat even before i give myself an opportunity to start.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i do not have what it takes to finish such a huge task as being aware of each and every single breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project being aware of each and every single breath into the future -- regarding it to be some great/extraordinary experience in the future that i can achieve instead of realizing that breath as awareness as self is Here in every moment not in the future.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find all kinds of excuses/justifications why i can not assist and support myself to be Here as awareness as breath in each and every single moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse/justification that my chronic rhinitis is causing me a disadvantage in assisting and supporting myself as breath -- and because of this disadavantage i can not succeed in being aware as every breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to succeed, defining myself accoridng to the polarity of success/failure.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i am unlucky to have chronic rhinitis which i perceive to be the main reason why i can not be aware of each and every single breath.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am only using an excuse and justification why i do not assist and support myself as who i really am.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that if i am really serious about assisting and supporting myself as Life as who i really am, nothing can be in my way, nothing can be an obstacle -- I will do whatever it takes to realize who i really am no matter what -- all excuses/justifications/reasons are invalid.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only use chronic rhinitis as an excuse of giving up and supporting self-defeat.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to give up myself as breath as Life, which is unacceptable! I trust myself i will always assist and support myself to realize who i really am no matter what -- never give up who i really am -- self-defeat is not acceptable!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i have tried many times to be aware of each and every single breath but i failed, existing in self-defeat, giving myself up even before i start.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear i may fall into my past patterns again and give up again, instead of realizing that i am actually preparing myself to fall -- finding excuses/justifications why i may fall so that i can justify why i will fall in the future -- not acceptable!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to not realize that i have already given up even before i start. I stop! This can not be allowed!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to deceive myself that breath is less than what it really is as who i really am as Life so that i can justify why i do not assist myself and feel bad for abidicating who i really am as Life as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard breath to be not that important because apprently i have lived so many years without awareness as breath -- and i am apparently still alive, instead of realizing that i am justifying the self-defeat of not being able to assist and support myself as breath Here in every moment.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to say in my mind"I will fail anyway, so i will not bother to give it a shot." -- self-defeat and giving up. Unacceptable!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect that i solve a problem immedidately without any pain and discomfort and if i fail in the first time, i give up immediately.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to say to myself "OK. I will give myself one shot. If i can not make it, i will give up."

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give up if i fail in the first shot.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to perceive that if fail in the first shot i will always fail thus giving up myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have already given up before i start and the one hasty/lousy/lame shot i do is only to prove to myself the self-defeat that i have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to set up a limit in the opportunities i give to myself and after this limit i will give up, instead of realizing this is acceptance and justification of self-defeat. I will always assist and support myself as who i really am as Life as all as one as equal no matter how many times/how long it takes me to "make it" -- i am willing to walk with myself and assist and support myself into eternity -- i will never give up who i really am as Life as all one as equal no matter what -- i am always my own assistance and support -- i am always here with myself -- i will never abandon myself no matter how difficult it is -- i am always patient with myself without getting irritated no matter how many times i 'fail' -- i do not judge myself no matter how stupid i seem to be -- i always trust myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take all the shit that i have downloaded from my father and i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the good virtues that i see within my mother is that which i have not yet accepted as myself. I accept myself. I embrace myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to download the programs of imaptience/defeat/frustration/anger/hatred/irritation etc from my father and desire patience/encouragement/love etc from my mother which is actually that which i have separated myself from and projected onto my mother.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed self-defeat as who i am. I stop!

I am here as breath in every moment -- whenever i found myself drifting into my mind i simply bring myself back here without judgement/abuse/tortuture/accusation/blame/self-defeat/frustration/anger/punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i may not be able to discipline myself to bring myself back here as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-discipline in practical applicaiton.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not doing good enough.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not writing enough self-forgiveness.

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Hands

One of the manifested physical symptoms is the numbness of half of my left palm including the fourth finger and the pinky. The numbness is like something that does not belong to my body has filled in my left palm and has blocked my sensation-- it should be the manifested system. Another manifested symptom is a circular disk-shaped Keratoderma at the junction of the root of my fourth finger and fifth finger of my RIGHT hand. The skin around there is very thick and hard. The numbness in my left hand has manifested for eight months. And the Keratoderma has manifested for a couple of years and has become worse recently. I have the habit of biting my nails for many years. And i noticed that more palmar creases came out in the past month, especially two vertical line originating from the root of my fourth finger and the pinky down through the palm and one horizantal line at the right bottom corner of my left hand. Another symptom is the nail of my fourth toe fell the other day.

Part of the chat that is related to this point:
‹Wei Wu› There have been more palm creases manifested on my hands for around a month. What does this have to do?
‹Andrea› the hand is a also a map of the body
‹Andrea› creases show where you are copying expressions within yourself to present over and over instead of actually breaking through your suppressions to see who you are
‹Andrea› it is like a program only having a few ways of expressing and then recalling the same programs to present
‹Wei Wu› This makes sense. I have been looping myself.
‹Andrea› so I suggest time for you to break out of your own self manifested opinion of who you are and start pushing through suppressions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned with the manifested symptoms on my hand, and judge them instead of realizing that they are assisting and supporting me to see what i have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to place special values and worths on palmar creases -- perceiving/believing that they have decided my whole life -- instead of realizing that this is the programmed life and not the real Life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a special pattern of palmar creases so that i can have a special life that i desire.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be special.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what palm reading has to say which is all but preprogrammed.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive palm reading to be mysterious, special and profound instead of realizing that it represents system program design.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge system program desings as bad and react to them, existing in fear of control. I stop!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i must be special to have these palmar creases manifested on my hands instead of realizing that creases show where I am copying expressions within yourself to present over and over instead of actually breaking through your suppressions to see who i am -- it is like a program only having a few ways of expressing and then recalling the same programs to present.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to judge myself as stupid to worship the programs that represent limitation.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have existing in extreme limitation -- jumping only the old few programs constantly and continuously -- nothing new.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as limitation and live out my self-definition as limitation.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the manifested symptom of numbness and cornification at the joint root of my fourth finger and pinky is an indication that there is a huge problem with my perception and relationship.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to not want to face the problem that has caused such manifested symptoms but only the symptoms to go away without me making any change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore the reason why these symptoms manifest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist and suppress the points that i am required to deal with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant to deal with self-dishonesty and justify it by defining myself as laziness.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that laziness is self-abuse, protecting the systems within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the points that i am dealing with -- wanting to get them all done in one moment which is not a possible task and within this i feel frustrated and wanted to escape from this frustration by ignoring deliberately the problem that i am required to deal with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to wait and procrastinate until the problem goes away by itself instead of realizing that the problem will not just go away if i do not give attention to it and deal with it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the amount of mainfested palmar creases -- fearing that i may not handle so many points.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i may never diffuse the manifested symptom on my hand -- feeling frusted, helpless and powerless.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separte myself from the manifested physical symptom and give my power away.

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to want to become more than the manifested symptom which is the ploarity of allowing myself to feel less than the manifested symptom.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the mainfested symptom on my hands may become worse and worse and that i will not be able to deal with them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that i can not pinpoint all the points that i need to apply self-forgiveness on in order to diffuse a program.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to trust myself and take self-responsibility.

So in summary, what the manifested symptoms of my hands and feet are indicating: biting nails -- anger frustration; the nail of my fourth toe falling off -- not expanding in relationship; numbness and cornification of skin of the fourth finger and pinky -- perception and relationship problem; palmar creases -- limitation, suppression and jumping programs.

Self-abuse

What i have found is that i actually enjoyed self-abuse. I deliberately abused self-abuse to justify and continue my self-abuse. I have lived out my self-definition as self-abuse and hold onto this self-definition. Why do i hold onto it? Because it allows me to abdicate self-responsibility and have the right to blame others so that i do not have to stand up and transform myself.

In my childhood i was abused and i did not know what to do or can do little to stop such abuses. I then victimized myself. But now i have grown up -- i am financially independent and i have the opportunity to make a difference -- but i still hold onto that image of me as a victim. This is deliberate self-dishonesty and manipulation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself, hold onto self-abuse, define myself as self-abuse, enjoy self-abuse, justify self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself through selff-abuse so that i can hold onto my self-definition as a victim -- thus i am always able to blame somebody/something else for my experience, abidicating self-responsibility and not allowing myself to change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to change -- to stop the abuse that i am experiencing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to inflict self-abuse deliberately to victimize myself so that i do not need to take self-responsibility and do whatever it takes to make a difference.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore/reject the tools/assistances/supports that can assist and support me to make a definitive change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility through victimizing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that i have accetped and allowed myself to deliberately go into self-pity -- perceiving that i am so unlucky and pitiful and this world has wronged me so much.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself through self-abuse and blame such abuses onto other beings/things/environment/society/world so that i do not need to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my self-definition as a victim so that i do not need to discipline myself to change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant to take self-responsiblity and assist and support myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate other beings into self-dishonesty so that i can justify my self-dishonesty and not have to take self-responsibility and transform myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not feel like taking self-responsibility and use what is here as the tools/assistannce/support to transform myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still exist in the mind state of me being the little child that is being abused, powerless and helpless, being able to do nothing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for the abuses that i experienced when i was a child -- as long as i can hold onto such blame i will not face myself and take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame desteni for having misled me so that i have lost my self-trust/self-confidence/self-certanity/self-directiveness/self-worth/self-value/self-honesty etc, so that i do not have to take self-responsibility to assist and support myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in anger/blame/hatred towards outer reality which i have accpeted and allowed myself to separate myself from.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to realize that if i am really interested in making a difference and stop the self-abuse, i will not allow myself to exist in blame and refuse to use the tools/assitance/support to support myself.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the reason i refused to assist and support me to do whatever it takes to transform myself simply demonstrates that i enjoyed self-abuse and allowed myself to dwell in self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the fact that i actully enjoy self-abuse/justify self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience self-defeat instead of realizing that self-defeat is also another program that is perpetuating self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use self-defeat as an excuse to not stand up, take self-responsibility and make a difference.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to my mind -- regarding my mind as thoughts/images/pictures/emotions/feelings to be more than me -- deliberately go into self-defeat to not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use individual rights to justify "I have the right to be self-dishonest. I have the right to do whatever i want to do." -- only fucking myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself deliberately to support my self-definition as a victim so that i have the right to blame/accuse other beings for my experience -- so that i do not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel moral superiority within defining myself as a victim so that i have the right to make others feel guilty as a revenge.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make my parents guilty and admit that they are wrong -- this is all their problem and i do not need to take responsibility to transform myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use free will/free choice to justify why i do not stand up, take self-responsibility and transform myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to trap others with blame/accusation/guilt -- not allowing them to free themselves from the prison -- thus existing in spitefulness towards not only myself but also other beings as myself.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am justifying self-abuse through blame.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am existing in separation from self-abuse -- i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place self-interest over Life's interest through holding onto my self-definition/self-image as a victim.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize my self-definition as a victim is preventing me from moving myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to cry and cry and cry when i was child, deliberately harming myself as a revenge to my parents.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the property of parents, perceiving that by destroy myself, i am harming my parents.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate my parents and feel powerless and helpless -- perceiving that i can do nothing but to accept the abuses.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the desire to revenge my parents and the only way that i perceived that i can do this when i was a child is to harm myself -- the property of my parents.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use to imagine me killing myself so that my parents will be sorry for what they did onto me -- self-abuse as revenge.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to make my parents sorry, guilty -- punishing them so that i can feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience a good feeling because of revenge and punishment of my parents.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how sorrow my parents would be if they find me dead -- imaging such scenes within my mind, exisiting in the illusory revenge and punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to treat my parents as how they have treated me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel justified to be superior to my parents because they have abused me and they have no right to challenge me or say no to me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to generate guilt within my parents to manipulate them to listen to me and do what i want them to do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself first and desire my parents to compensate their behaviors -- thus they have no right to challenge me -- they can not challenge my self-dishonesties -- they are under my control.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to do these from the starting point of self-interest, not being and one equal with all beings here in the physical reality -- but taking into consideration what is best for all -- but only considering how i can get even with my parents.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have parents who can listen to me, who can do what i want them to do for me, who treat me with love.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my parents to get what i want from the starting point of self-interest -- not allowing myself to see what is best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as a fucking bitch -- being spiteful. I stop!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i have the free will/free choice to not assist and support myself, perceiving/believeing that it is my own buniness and nobody else has the right to interefere.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to say in my mind "Don't u tell me what to do"-- deliberate justification of self-abuse. I stop!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an unwelcome person -- and goes into self-pity deliberately to feel sorry for myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of other beings/ unconditional expression and desire to destroy them. WTF???!!!

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself embrace self-honesty/self-love/self-trust/self-descipline/self-certainty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame desteni for my minsinterpretation of desteni message and abdication of self-trust/self-certainty/self-discipline/self-certainty/self-love, so that i will continue to exist in such self-abuse because i percieve that i am not responsible for myself and is not taking self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to say in my mind "self-descipline is too hard and i do not feel like doing it." -- bullshit justificaiton. Stop!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to do something only because i feel like doing it and reject doing something solely because i do not feel like doing it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to protect my accepted nature as self-abuse and justify it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define not following my accepted nature as self-abuse -- instead of realizing that following my accepted nature as self-abuse is self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to feelings -- following my feelings -- not allowing myself to exist in disobeyal of my feeling in any way. I stop!!!

I am self-discipline. I am self-trust. I am self-love. I am self-value. I am self-worth. I am self-certainty. I am self-assitance. I am self-support.

what is real/what is illusion

What is real is what is Here as a fact -- it is not beautiful at all. The truth as what is Here is the abuse, the atrocities, the sufferings and pains, the ugliness -- inequality -- those that we judged as "bad". This can not be denied. What is the illusion is what we have created as the postive/good/right within denial/ as an attempt to escape from what is here as the abuse/atrocities/sufferings /pains/ugliness which is balanced out as the negative/bad/wrong and judged/denied/resisted. As long as we exist in polarity, we will not be able to face the problems that is HERE but only escaping from what is HERE, running in cycles. The negative is Here -- we escape from the negative by pursuing the positive and judging/denying/resisting the negative thus existing in illusion -- the illusion can only last for so long and the truth reveals as the negative that is Here -- we escape again. This is how the polar cycles continue. The cycle continues because we are escaping from Here as the problem/we are only deceiving ourselves/we are only sweeping the problems under the carpet/we are not willing to face the problems/we are not willing to deal with the problem.

So the first point that must be clear is that we must stand one and equal Here with the truth of this reality -- the truth of ourselves -- not what we think we are/not what we think we should be which are all illusions; but what is actually Here as the truth. This is the first step towards REAL change -- as long as we exist in illusory polarities we are only running in cycles. With the truth revealing, I tend to escape/judge/deny/resist, but I have to will myself to see. Stand one and equla Here with all and everything that is Here without judgement/denial/resistance by removing the illusion as polarity that is hiding the truth.

Being willing to face the truth that we naturally tend to escape/deny/reisist/judge is an indication that we are serious in real change. This is self-directiveness within self-honesty. I went into depression and self-defeat previously when i faced the truth that is me Here and escaped from me Here until the truth that is me Here revealed directly in front of my face. I cannot deny it. I can not allow myself to go into self-defeat/powerlessness/helplessness/abdication of self-responsibility. I have to will myself to stand up within the revealed truth as me Here that is not beautiful at all and direct myself and my world as me.

Within standing up from what is Here, i direct myself and my world within consideration of what is best for all to stand as/live/manifest who i really am as Life as all as one as equal. This is real self-transformation/real change.

What is real does not mean it has to be accepted as it is. Inequality/abuse/atrocity/sufferings/pain is real yet it can not be allowed to continue because this is not the image and likeness of who we really are as Life as all as one as equal. We have to direct what is Here that is currently self-abuse to transform ourselves into/live/manifest who we really are as Life as all as one as equal Here. Self-transformation can only happen Here. We can only transform what is Here. Within mind illusion reality as consciousness, real change is impossible.

Life as equality currently exist as WILL in action not yet an actual living expression. And inequality currently exist as actual physical manifestation. So what is Here is the acutal physical manifestation of inequality as self-abuse and the compulsory WILL of Life as equality to stop the self-abuse as inequality and mainfest Life as equality Here in the physical until it is done. What is illusion and what is preventing the manifestation of Life is the concepts/ideas of Love/beauty/bliss/equality that is hiding the truth of abuse/atrocity/suffering/pain/inequality in this world.

(1)Apply self-forgiveness to peel off the deception/illusion of the positive as good/right/love/beauty/bliss/equality etc and the judgement/denial/resistance towards the negative as bad/wrong/hate/ugliness/abuse/atrocity/suffering/pain/inequality etc.

(2)Stand equal and one Here with the ugliness/abuse/atrocity/suffering/pain/inequality without judgement/denial/resistance/self-defeat and stand up as Life as all one as equal.

(3)Direct what is Here as myself as my world as myself within the consideration of what is best for all to transform what is Here as the ugliness/abuse/atrocity/suffering/pain/inequality into the reflection/standing/mainfestation of who i really am as Life as all as one as equal until it is done.

All the three steps can only be self-directed within self-honesty.

Principled living and maipulation

I discovered a point when grading students' homework today. I set up a set of grading standards before i actually start grading the homework. But within the process of grading, i had the tendency to change/maniuplate the priniple to fit into my perceptions/ideas/beliefs of student which is based on self-interest. This shows how my ego is not consistent but always manipulates everything to serve its own purpose.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form perceptions/ideas/beliefs of the students according to my past impressions of them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to treat the students unequally according to their school performances, perceiving this to be normal.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define students according to their school performances -- defining 'good' students as those who have a high score on tests/lab reports and 'bad' students as those who have a low score.

I forgive myself to favor those 'good' students, regarding them to be more, while others to be less.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good student want the teachers to favor me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire validations/confirmations/praises from teachers to gain favor frmo them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive it to be normal to favor some students who are 'good' at tests/lab reports.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to become a 'good' student and perceive that i am justified to judge 'bad' students.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive to exist in the polarity of good/bad defined only by school performance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the bullshit of "if i study good, then everything of me is good."

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look down upon those whose school performance is not good, juding them as stupid or idiotic, with no consideration that they are equal and one with me as life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to say in my mind "who would like to be one and equal with them?" -- justifying the separation that i have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe "Those who keeps company with the good will be good; those who keeps company with the bad will be bad." -- justifying the good/bad polarity.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate my parents for preventing me from hanging on with those 'bad' students -- they just those students as bad and fear that i may become bad. Fuck my parents' ideas!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can be influenced by those who are 'bad'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate the separation that this world has taught me, blaming the world for teaching me the separation -- instead of realizing that it is me accepting the separation, thus it is my responsibility to not allow myself to be influenced.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world for programming me to accept separation instead of realizing that it is me giving permission to the programming, thus it is my responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those 'bad' students, feeling superior to them and exisiting in separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted with my parents' education of seapration -- which is actually manipulation through fear. FUCK!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate my parents for what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become -- separation -- instead of realizing that my parents did what they did because that is what they are taught -- they are also programs in the system existing in self-abuse, thus this is also abusing me as Life as all as one as equal -- this has to stop -- the only way is to forgive each other unconditionally and never do this again -- till here no further!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed to resist forgiving my parents unconditionally because i have defined myself as a victim, perceiving/believing that i must revenge and get even with them before i can forgive them -- this is placing self-interest over Life's interest and spitefulness to who i really am as Life thus self-abuse -- this can not be tolerated in any way whatsoever.

I stop the fucking programs no matter what!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to change my grading standards for students that i 'favor'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compromise the principle that i stand for.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that this reflects the fact that i have manipulated the principle of Life as all as one as equal to fit into my self-interest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to mainpulate the principle of Life as all as one as equal to fit into my self-interest -- which is placing self-interest over Life interest as what is best for all -- thus self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself to such an extent that i perceive i can not handle the abuses and that i just want to give up -- i stop! Giving up is also self-abuse!

Ego manipulation

The ego has no absolute standing as a principle -- it changes according to what can supports its own existence -- it is not consistent at all, full of self-contradiction. The ego will use whatever it takes to protect itself -- some very manipulative methods. No matter good or bad, postive or negative can be used by the ego to feed itself. Especially, those traits that i define as good,which i place value/worth in, which i am reluctant to let go of are supporting my ego in such a subtle way that i may easily fall for that. I abused self-forgiveness by applying self-forgiveness on those i dislike while not allowing myself to apply self-forgiveness on those that i fear losing -- this is not unconditional self-forgiveness and is actually supporting the ego. So be careful! Be aware! Osho's words opened up this point of the manipulative and abusive nature of the ego. In order to be consistent, self has to stand as the principle of Life as all as one as equal no matter what.

I used to define myself as rebellious, always wanting to stand opposite to what is presented, always wanting to refute/to fight/to win/to prove that i am right/special/unique/unrelenting. This is just another method my ego uses to fuel itself. My ego never wants to agree with others even i know that what others said makes sense. It only wants to refute others, to defeat others, and to win. It does not stand as one principle. If i participate in a discussion from the starting point of finding out the truth and not from the starting point of wanting to win, agreeing with others does not mean compromise; refuting to others does not mean standing as the truth --- agree or disagree is not the point; what is the truth is the point. Honest discussion is within the standing of the principle as the truth, not within the standing of desiring to defeat/win over others. Honesty: if you are speaking common sense, i agree unconditionally -- how can this be compromise? if you are talking bullshit, i will disagree no matter who you are. So the central point is what is real, not that i must defeat you. From the ego's point of you, agreeing with others = not defeating others = I lose; disagreeing with others/not being persuaded = not being defeated = I win. The ego does not stand as one principle, it only wants to win. Likewise, i used to define myself as a minority, which i feel make me special/unique. I never wanted to agree with others and I never wanted to join a group which i perceive can diminish my minority definition. If i stand as the principle of what is real, then it does not matter whether i am a minority or majority. Maybe in the beginning i can be categorized as a minority because many people are not aware of what is real, but i do not hold onto this definition -- being a minority does not make me feel special/unique, rather it makes me feel sad because many are not aware of the truth -- so i would like more people to be able to understand what i am aware of, to share my realizations -- minority is not going to hold me from sharing my realizations. But from the ego point of view, the truth is always in the few -- i belong to the minority, i am the one that is holding the truth, i am the one that is special, i am the one that is going save the world, i am the one that is must superior, you are all less than me etc -- i will protect my minority definition, there is no way i am going to share my realizations because then i will lose my minority/specialness/uniqueness/superiority etc. The difference is obvious. Am i standing as the principle of common sense as what is best for all or am i just wanting to win to fulfill my enlightend self-interest?

I drop the desire to win over others unconditionally because it is not who i really am. I stand as the principle of common sense as what is best for all no matter what, especially i destroy deliberately myself as ego.

Kill/murder/slaughter the illusion as the mind manifested personality as ego, otherwise i am killing/murdering/slaughtering who i really am as Life. No middle line.

Preconception/fear of the unknown/trust

From several events i have noticed a program that i have developed within me: perceiving something to be very difficult even before i give it a try -- preconceived ideas/beliefs.

This happens when i am faced with something that i have never done before, i usually went into self-doubt and uncertainty, perceiving that i am not able to handle this, thus existing in resistance and procrastination, preventing myself from actually physically doing it without running thoughts/emotions/feelings within my mind. For example, i am faced with solving a physics problem, taking an exam, dealing with a situation in everyday life. It is a very common situation.

When i closely examine what these thoughts/emotions/feelings can do, I find that they can do nothing constructive but to fuck up what i am doing. All the uncertainties, self-doubt, frustration, self-defeat, anxiety, defense/protection mechanisms, all that is going on within my mind is not helping me to solve the problem at all. They are totally entirely useless. I simply discard them. Then no longer serve me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-doubt, perceiving that i am not able to handle it, not allowing myself to trust myself that i am able to do it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the preconceived perception/idea/belief that i am not able to handle it because i don't have what it takes -- i don't have the basic knowledge and information, i don't have the skills, i am not intelligent enough, i have never done this before etc etc.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, perceiving myself to be inferior to the unknown, instead of standing one and equal with the unknown, realizing that the unknown is the test of self-trust. If i can only trust myself within something that i have ever done before, how can i ever trust myself to change?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past memeories, limiting myself only to that which i have ever known, what i have defined as who i am, not allowing myself to trust myself in the moment into the unknown.

Isn't it boring to always exist as the old without any change, repeating the patterns over and over and over again?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the limited constrained self-definition based on my past based on that which i have known based on that which i trust, existing constantly and continuously as the limited/constrained programmed systematic expression. I am self-expansion.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the environmental influences as excuses for i can not trust myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as control, perceiving believing that i can only trust myself after i have full control of all the possible results otherwise i can not trust myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i can not trust myself if i have no control over the environment or i can be influenced by the environment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as control, instead of realizing that this the very reflection of self-doubt -- if i trust myself i will trust myself unconditionally, no matter what the situation is -- i promise i will trust who i really am eternally -- i will assist and support who i really am as Life as all as one as equal no matter what -- i will never give up assiting and supporting who i really am -- this is real self-trust.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that when a point of self-expansion opens up, if i do not trust myself to push through the limitation instead i go it the past patterns -- i am trusting my self-definition as the mind consciousness system, and i am abusing the authentic self-trust as trusting who i really am to walk into the unknown.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as self-doubt, self-uncertainty, insecurity, fear of tripping, fear of falling, fear of being harmed, fear of being hurt, when i was required to walk into the unknown.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'choose' to trust my mind, instead of trusting me as who i really am as Life that is the unknown to step out of box that i have been living in.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in the box constructed through that which i have ever known through my mind, limiting myself/constraining myself, not allowing myself to expand to walk into who i really am as the unknown.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to treasure the box the limitation the constraint that i used to trust, fearing to step out of the box, instead of realizing that i am only abusing who i really am through trusting the abuse of who i really am within limitation/constraint.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to relate trust with a specific result, perceiving/believing that i can only trust myself when i have got a specific result -- if i failed i will not be able to trust myself. WTF? This is illusory self-trust.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define self-trust as something that i can only have when i have reached a specific goal, i have reached a certain expectation/anticipation; and if i did not reach the expectation/anticipation, i can not trust myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i have failed my father's expectation and anticipation, and thus i have lost my father's trust to me.

I forgivemyself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that my father trust me and that i need my father to trust me.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that without my father's trust, i am valueless and worthless and thus feel hurt/frustrated/betrayed.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i have been betrayed by my father, that i have been abused by my father, that i have been used by my father for his own desire/self-interest, instead of realizing that the trust that i believed from my father is not real in the first place and thus it is me having betrayed who i really am as Life and this experience is simply reflecting to me what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as betrayal of who i really am as Life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that trust is something that can be given to me, and that i can gain trust from another being, instead of realizing that if trust can be gained then trust can be lost and thus this trust is not real.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see that the trust game is used for personal gain and self-interest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-trust, instead i trusted another without trusting myself in the first place -- that's why i can feel betrayed.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i must be the stability point in my world, and that even i lose all support from the whole world, i must be able to stand on my own two feet -- that is self-trust. I am self-trust. Even the whole world does not support me, i still support myself. I am still stable. Then it becomes irrelevant whether another trusts me or not. If another stand as what i stand as Life as all as one as equal, we have a common standing groud
and we can trust ourselves as another. If another does not stand as what i stand as Life as all as one as equal, i assist and support another as me to stand as the same groud as i do as Life as all as one as equal. Life is the groud of all beings!

If i am dependent on something, if that something can be lost, if without that something i will be different as who i am, then that which i defined as who i am is not real. Who i really am as Life has no dependency in any way whatsoever.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in bitterness towards my father, because i hate that he has betrayed me and that he has retrieved his trust on me, instead of realizing that the preception that i have lost trust from my father is showing me that the trust from my father is not real in the first place. The trust and betrayal are all not real - they are all mind games - they all exist within the mind as ideas. LOL!

I am grateful for my father to show me that his trust is not real. I am grateful for my father to teach me what self-trust really means. LOL!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting other beings, because i fear being harmed/abused again. I trust who i really am as Life as all as one as equal. I trust those who stand as Life as all as one as equal with me standing as Life as all as one as equal as self-trust. Only when we all stand as the common ground of all beings as Life as all as one as equal can we trust each other, otherwise we can only stand as self-trust as Life as all as one as equal to do whatever nenessary to be done until all beings stand as the common ground of all beings as Life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i don't have enough time to finish the test and thus exist in anxiety when i take a test.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as anxiety/pressure of time when i take a test.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the test must be very difficult and that the problems are very hard.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the ideas about the test is not going to help me in a constructive way in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the thoughts/emotions/feelings are unnecessary and that they are only fucking up what i am doing.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to fear that i may not have done enough preparation for the test or what i am doing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to succeed, existing in expectation.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that authentic self-trust is unconditional, and it is not dependent on whether i reached my expectation or not, especially that expectation itself is invalid because it is creating the polarity of success/failure, happiness/disappointment.

There is only self-trust and self-betrayal. I do not accept myself to betray who i really am as Life as all as one as equal. I will always trust who i really am as Life as all as one as equal. All the ideas of trust and betrayal are betrayal of who we really are as Life as all as one as equal, because those are only mind games.