Self-doubt/Self-distrust

Note: the following is based on an article I published in my Chinese blog on Octobor 03, 2009, which I am now moving here to my English blog with some modifications.



This morning i got a midterm exam to proctor which is part of my responsibility as a teaching assistant. The room that the test will take place is H-137, which i did not know exactly where it is. Although I have been in Stony Brook University for more than a year, i am still not very familiar with locations of the rooms and buildings around. My first reaction was to call Deng another classmate for the information. But I recoganized that this is a habitual behavior that i have designed and accepted as myself. So this time i stopped this tendency and decided to approach the situation myself. There are S,P,M,A,B,C,D level in the physics building, but i never heard of H level like in H-137. Where is H level? Then i recalled a building called Harriman near the physics building and the room 137 rang a bell because i am sure i have been there a long time ago. It made sense that H-137 is that room in Harriman. Then I got there and found it to be just right place.



This seems to be such a trivial thing. But it is one of the limitations that i have accepted as me. There are many other cases when I immediately went to ask somebody else for help when facing an unfamiliar situation even before i trust myself to deal with it by myself. I have the tendency to imagine the situation to be much more difficult than what it really is, and overunderestimate my ability to deal with it. I have accepted my self-definition as helplessness, powerlessness and inferiority within facing a situation that i imagined to be more than me which I have given my power away to. I did not trust myself to direct the situation equal and one as me.


Till here no further.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to jump programs that i have accepted and lived out as my self-definition when i approach a situation that i am not familiar with.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to programs within my mind consciousness system to direct me instead of me directing myself as the situation equal and one.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as and live out my self-definition as powerlessness, helplessness, inferiority within facing a situation that i am not familiar with.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that i am not able to handle the situation and that i must ask somebody else who i perceive to be superior to /better than me in dealing with situations to deal with this for me.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard Deng Qiang to be more than me/superior to me in dealing with an everyday situation and that i must rely on/depend on him to give me direction/advice or help me to get out of what i am experiencing.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire somebody else to deal with the situation i am facing and want to escape from it because i believe that i can not deal with/handle it.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept it to be normal/ordinary that i am not able to deal with everyday situation by myself and that i must rely/depend on those that i perceive to be better than/superior to me in dealing with such a situation.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, separating myself from self-trust.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be diffident about my ability to approach a situation and live out my self-definition as diffidence.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to confuse self-confidence with arrogance, aggression or superiority and judge self-confidence as bad.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard self-confidence as feeling superior about myself and present myself to be arrogant or aggressive.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i should not have self-confidience because self-confidience is arrogant, aggressive and superior.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that in order to stop arrrogance/aggression/superiority i must feel diffidence/self-doubt/self-distrust/inferiority and can not have self-trust.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to confuse diffidence/self-doubt/self-distrust/inferioirty with humbleness.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed to go from one polarity to its polar-opposite, perceiving that in this way i can stop what i have created and defined according to polarity manifestation, instead of realizing that by going to the polar opposite i am still supporting what i have created and the solution is to stop existing as polarity.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by going to the direct opposite of what i have accepted and allowed myself to define as who i am i can "cancel" what i have created instead of realizing that such behavior is simply perpetuating what i have alreay created.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to polarity and give my power away to polarity manifestations instead of assisting and supporting myself to stop my self-definition according to polarity.







I forigive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that going to the direct polar opposite of what i used to define myself will stop my self-definition instead of realizing that i am still supporting what i have created merely by defining myself as its polar opposites and that the solution is to exist in neither polarity points.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form perceptions/ideas/beliefs about self-confidence and humbleness, and confuse them with polarity manifestations such as arrogance/aggressiveness/superiority and self-doubt/self-distrust/inferiority etc.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live out my perception/idea/belief about self-confidence and humbleness, trapping myself into polarity manifestations charging the mind consciousness system within me which i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.







I forgive myself that i have acccepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the situation that is here, react to it, fear it, give my power away to it, instead of standing one and equal with and as the situation to direct the situation one and equal as me.







I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to trust myself to stand as self-trust within directing a situation that is here as me.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as and live out my self-definition as self-doubt/self-distrust/inferiority.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape from what i am experiencing within me and desire for somebody else to deal with the situation for me, abdicating self-responsibility and self-trust.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire somebody else to take responsibility for me for what i am experiencing within me instead of taking self-responsibility to stand as self-trust to direct the situation equal and one as me.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the polarity manifestation of inferiority and self-doubt while projecting the polar opposite of superiority onto Deng Qiang or other beings that i perceive to be superior to me in handling situations.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to my environment or situations, allowing myself to be controlled and enslaved by the environment and situations, not allowing myself to stand one and equal with what is here and direct what is here equal and one as me/self.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take the programs within me for granted, regarding them to be normal/ordinary never questioning how i have designed/developed them in the first place.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get used to the programs within me, ingraining the systems and programs within me.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live out my polarity definition of superiority/inferiority.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to follow programs, regrading programs to be more than me/to be superior to me and trust programs to direct me instead of me trusting myself to direct myself within the directive principle of me equal and one.







I forgive myself that ihave accepted and allowed myself to feel that following programs are easy and justify why i follow programs and perceive that self-honesty is so hard that i do not want to do it.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify me following programs.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use free will/free choice to justify why i do not stand up, take self-responsibility, and live self-honesty to direct me equal and one to manifest who we really are as Life as all as one as equal as the living word as the sound harmonic expression_r.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the mind bullshit talking to me with justifications, reasons and excuses.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to "would rather" stay in self-dishonesty because self-dishonesty is easier while self-honesty is difficult. FUCK! Not acceptable!







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the tendency to imagine the situation to be more than what it really is.







I forgive myself that ihave accepted and allowed myself to have the tendency to think of the worst of a situation, and intimidate myself to deal with the situation equal and one as me.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to overunderestimate my ability to handle a situation, jumping the program of self-doubt, instead of trusting myself to simply do what is necessary to be done.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear I may screw up what i am doing, fear the consequences of me screwing up.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be scolded/judged/ridiculed/punished/looked down upon.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/imagine what could happen if i fuck up.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, fear trusting myself within the unknown.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and define myself as anxiety within an unkown situation.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to be stupid within a situation that turned out to be quite simple and easy.







i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge me to be stupid for not trusting myself.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncertain about myself and live out my self-definition as self-uncertainty.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i must confirm that i am doing the right thing in the right way by somebody else who i perceive to be more than me/superior to me.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get confirmation from a source outside me separate from me.







I forgive myself that i have accetped and allowed myself to perceive/believe that i can not be certain of myself and that i must find confirmation before i can trust myself which only indicates i did not trust myself.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself within self-trust, perceiving that i can only trust myself when i have got confirmation from an authority.







I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get confirmation from an authority in order to trust me which is separation and is not unconditional self-trust.



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