Note: the following is based on an article I published in my Chinese blog on Octobor 02, 2009, which I am now moving here to my English blog with some modifications.
Here is a post on the forum about masturbation experiment: http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=151&t=12756
I did the masturbation experiement suggested in that thread.
In one previous article i have already said that i had an addiction to masturbation. My experience is mostly energy based, so what i am actually addicted to is energy. This time I masturbated differently as an experiment to test out what i really experience within myself.
I masturbated with my eyes open and with me being aware of my breath. I did not accept myself to participate in the mind virtual reality using pictures and fantacies to stimulate myself as i used to do. When any picture or fantacy came up in my mind or i began to feel energized, i breathed and stopped them. I focused on the physical touch of my hand with my penis rather than participating in my mind. What i found is fascinating. It became very difficult to get an orgasm because i did not experience energy as i used to do. I tried very hard to rub my penis with my hand, but even getting an erection was not that easy. I stopped several times with my penis becoming soft without stimulation of pictures and fantacies and I felt a little frustrated that i could not get an orgasm. The desire to reach the orgasm was prominent. However hard i tried it just did not come easy. Also because there was no energy build-up, the experience of me in every moment was not much dependent on previous moments. Each moment is a new moment that is not the result of energy built up from previous moments. I tried almost half an hour to finally be able to ejaculate. While my experience thereof was not a releasing of energy built-up but an experience of flowing which is not very 'high'. lol. Through this experience, I did not experience my heartbeat or blood pressure going up as i used to in mind-masturbation experiences.
What does this experiment tell me? The question to ask is where was i when i used to masturbate? Definitely not here as the physical touch but up there in my mind virtual reality, charging the pictures and fantacies to build up energy to reach the final ultimate release as an euphoric energetic orgasm. In other words I was literally mind-fucking myself. It is really bizzare, isn't it? Why does it work this way that when i am here touching me, the experience of me is not me being here but somewhere in my mind? Why do i need pictures and fantacies to get an orgasm? Why am I unable to experience that ultimate euphoria energetic orgasm without participation in pictures and fantacies? What are pictures and fantacies for? Why am I dependent on pictures and fantaciees to experience myself? Why am I dependent on energy? WHY AM I NOT HERE?
When i used to masturbate, i was not doing the actual physical masturbation but masturbating in my mind, building up energy through participating in thoughts/picutres/emotions/feelings, charging/rejuvenating my mind consciousness system within me which i have defined as who i am. That is the nature of mind masturbation. I never experienced masturbation as an unconditional self-expression before.
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