What has been happening on me in all these months

"And every human being will face what they have allowed. Somewhere a line had to be drawn. There is no more beauty as projected by the mind. It’s only smoking mirrors and when these mirrors break a great silence will be upon all. Cause you’ll be stuck, just with yourself.

There is two ways to break the mirror. The one is where you deliberately break it so you can get to a point where you can actually see who the fuck you are. The other one is Death. Cause these mirrors are created through energy, through energy generation, through a mind system within the physical. Wonderful. You’ll break the mirror with self-honesty, self forgiveness and common sense. And making the tough decision as actual things you live out till the storm settles. Therefore you push yourself beyond your limitations, your accepted realities.

You have to be self-honesty because otherwise your irritation, your annoyance, your absolute inner conflict will rise and eventually it will spill over, you’ll take it out on other people around you. Then you must know I am in serious trouble. I am dishonest, I am not standing.

And you’ll notice a fascinating thing that you are fearful of making the change. You fear the unknown, you fear the future of what’ll happen to you if you do change. Fascinating fear. I mean, don’t you fucking decide? Why would you fear it? Just to make sure that you never decide. It’s rather stupid.

What would be the difference whether you actually change and actually have a say in changing your reality or you don’t change just by fearing what you might have to face. But you’re not satisfied with what you have, why would you hang on to it? What could be the reason or purpose? Fascinatingly enough the reason and purpose is self-interest. You believe that you have things you will lose if you have to change. Therefore you don’t change. Because you’ll settle for the minimum and you will settle for the conflict and the annoyance and the irritation and live in that dishonesty. Which disempowers you completely. "

FUCK! This is exactly what i have been doing in all these months!!! Self-disohnesty. Limitation. Constraint. Not pushing myself beyond the limitation that i have imposed onto myself!!! That is why the irritation, anger, frustration becoming more and more and more and i started to take it out onto other beings!!! Shit!

I stop the limitation that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become!

words/definitions/languages limitation

http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?t=10769&sid=5b31b753de10e215e1a39e8459e23557
"You cannot conceive the future. Within the context of what is now understood or within the language and definitions that now exist because the future will not be defined within the context or the words or the language that now exist. So therefore, it cannot be conceived. Because if you conceive it within the language that exist now, you’ll only repeat what is already here. "

This is also a point that i have realized. Our words/definitions/languages limits our understanding of what is possible. We can only think that which we know; we can only talk about that which is existing in our language. This is also why in order for the new to come, the words/defintions/languages will have to change too. New language brings in new insights and new possiblities that we have never even considered possible because we do not even have a word to describe it. The mind is limited within word defintions and language.

For example, the 'concept' that we are part of and one with the whole existence. My mind can not fathom this 'concept' because i had never used words in such a way-- it does not exist in my word/setencence structure/langugage. From my previous understanding, a part is only a part of the whole, a part can not be one with the whole; thus part of and one with was a contradictory expression and could not be understood/fathomed. This shows how we are limited by word definitions/languages -- we are limited by the words we have/use and the definition we give them to describe reality.

The future can not be fathomed because we do not have the words to describe it yet. Thus the language has to be developped to be in accordance with the unkown reality that is who we really are. Much change ahead.

What to do?

"Jan: How do you act every moment then?

Bernard: Self honestly looking at this world and what is supporting life equal and one or not. Within the constrains that currently exist – make the best of it. And change those that you can. And then push yourself to change that, that you can’t. Because it’s inevitably that you’re going to face it. Because you are only not able to change it because you believe you can’t. So you’re creating your own jail. Your limitation is always your own. You’ve imposed it, you’ve allowed it to exist, you’ve created it. That’s why within your children lies the future of yourself. You’ll have to assist them to transcend the limitations you’ve allowed within yourself so that you don’t recreate yourself as your children I mean, that’s like stupid. But we keep on doing it. "

尽全力而为之！！！

I am the terminator of the illusory self

I am the terminator of myself as an illusion/personality/mind consciounsness system. I deliberately terminate the illusory self for me to have 'room' to birth myself as LIFE as all as one as equal. When i am occupied by the illusions, who i really am Life is suppresed -- the room left for LIFE to grow is squezzed out. I terminate myself as an illusion. This is real self-care and self-responsibility. This is absolutely not self-cruelty. Holding onto self-interest and not willing to let go of the obssessed illusory self-image is real self-cruelty.

I AM THE TERMINATOR OF MYSELF AS ILLUSIONS FOR MYSELF AS LIFE AS WHO WE ALL REALLY ARE TO BE BIRTHED IN THE PHYSICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Self-care

Do i really care for myself as who i really am? If i am, i can not allow myself to continue self-dishonesty to abuse myself. Self-care means self-responsibility. I really care for myself, i will take full responsibility for myself and i will not allow myself to continue existing as self-dishonesty. Self-interest which is placed over what is best for all as one as equal as Life as who i really am as who we really are is self-dishonesty and self-abuse, leading to self's own destructiona and eternal death. When i see this, can i continue to allow myself to exist as such? Wouldn't that an indication that i actually did not care for who i really am? If i really care for myself, i would have done something to stop it!!!

Holding self-interest is not self-care at all. Holding onto self-interest is self-abdication -- the abdication of who i really am as Life as all as one as equal. Stopping self-interest does not mean that i do not care for myself -- rather it is really caring for self and taking absolute self-responsibility for myself as who i really am as Life as all as one as equal. Letting go of all the self-interest is real self-care with the understanding and standing of what is real self as Life as all as one as equal within absolute self-responsibility -- i take myself into full consideration -- i am doing this for myself as myself -- i am not doing this out of some perceived obligation or fear of judgement or wanting to become a good person or wanting to be admitted or admired or appreciated or devoting myself to an idea/value system that i have programmed/taught -- none of these! I am letting of all the self-interest because i see who i really am and i take full responsibility for who i really am. This is an action/proof that i really care for myself as who i really am without compromise!!!

The world is in reverse.

Measurement, evaluation, and assessment

There is measurement/evaluation/assessment of self-honesty/self-dishonesty which is done by self as Life as all as one as equal. Self-honesty and self-dishonesty is a fact, not a judgement, it is not a good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative polarity -- it is what it is.

Self decides self's furture according to whether self accept self as self-honesty or self-dishonesty. Only LIFE as all as one as equal will remain, all and everything else that is no who we really are has to be stopped -- all the abuses and atrocities in this world which is actually self-abuse. If i do not support a real solution that is best for all as Life as all as one as equal as who i reall am, that means i accept myself to become an illusion, thus i give permission to my non-existence, which is death. Thus death is not done onto me, it is me giving permission for me to my own death. Death is not punishment. Death is self-accepted consequence.

The future is at each's own hand according what each one accepts and allows themselves to be. There is no fucking God out there sitting on the royal chair judging who goes to heaven who goes to earth. Who we really are as Life as all as one as equal evaluates/assesses/measures who we accept and allow ourselves to be and become and then decides our own experience accordingly. This is not judgement, punishment/reward. No!

I stop myself as the self accepted and allowed definition as polarity construct as good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative. I stop myself as the self accepted and allowed opinion that what i experience is a punishment for what i have done -- consequences are for me to see what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, thus giving myself an opportunity to stop myself as that which i have accepted and alloweed which is not who i really am to birth myself as Life as all as one as equal.

cold shower as self-directive self-support

I took a cold shower tonight. I usually take warm/hot shower and wash my face and hands with warm water too, especially in winter -- it makes me comfortable.

Seeking comfort and avoiding/escaping from any discomfort is 'natural'. This is a reflection of me being directed by comfort, not allowing myself to move out of my comfort zone. I have created and desigend myself some comfort zones, which i in turn define as who i am. Within the comfort zones, i feel at home and secure, and when i move out of them i feel threatened and insecure and want to go back to that which i have defined as who i am. This is one method i use to protect my self-definition and allow myself to become a slave to the limitation that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. Within only seeking the comfort and avoiding/escaping from discomfort, i always exist as that which i have always existed as -- nothing new, old patterns repeating again and again and again.

Self-honesty makes me feel uncomfortable, at least in the beginning, because self-honesty requires me to see the ugliness/abuse/atrocities within self and within this world that I usually do not feel like seeing and which i usually deny/resist/judge/suppress; self-honesty requires me to direct myself to stop the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed and move out of the self-inflicted limitation as the prisonality. They are not that easy, especically when i am addicted to and identified with the prisonality that i defined as who i am and feel comfortable with. I can find all kinds of excuses and justifications as why i should keep holding onto this apparent 'comfort' as self-dishonesty and limitation -- "Why do i go into the discomfort so long as i can make myself 'comfortable'? Isn't it self-abuse to make myself 'uncomfortable'? Why do i abuse myself by doing something that makes me uncomfortable? I have the right to choose this 'comfort' that i am currently experiencing. I don't feel like challenging myself." What i did not see is that this definition of comfort is me being comfortable with myself as personality/limitation/self-dishonesty that i have identified myself with, and this apparent right/choice is but justification of acceptance of limitation and self-dishonesty which is real self-abuse.

Self directing self within self-honesty to break down the self-accepted/allowed limitation by moving through the discomfort/resistance in the beginning and embrace the true self as the unknown -- this is self-directiveness, self-will and is where real freedom and comfort exists. The application of freedom is self-directivenss within self-honesty, not self being directed by a separate point that has power over self. Within self-directiveness, real comfort as self reveals because self is the director of self both within and without, no longer a slave to a separate point -- self stands up and empowers/directs/moves self.

Back to cold shower. Observe myself within shower. I first used hot/warm water shower and become comfortable with it, i then have much resistance towards moving to cold water shower, moving out of the comfort that i am experiencing and into the discomfort. I ask myself where is self-direction? Am i able to direct myself? Am i a slave to the apparent comfort? It is not about deliberately making myself uncomfortable/miserable or abuse/torture myself, it is about whether i am able to direct/move myself, me proving to myself that i am not a slave to the comfort that i am experiencing. So i pushed through the resistance. I prove to myself that i am not a slave. I prove to myself that i am able to direct myself even against my own 'natural instinct' of holding onto comfort. Self-directiveness is real comfort and application of freedom -- self-proving to self that self is not a slave.

Taking the cold shower is me directing myself as self-assitance and self-support to prove to myself that i am able to direct myself and that i am not a slave to myself as a mind consciousness system consisting of thoughts/images/pictures/emotions/feelings/energies/perceptions/ideas/beliefs/constructs/systems/patterns/behaviors/personality.

Here

I am here as breath as attention as presence as awareness.

Here means remaining breath, being aware of each and every single breath. My attention is totally entirely Here as this moment as what i am doing. I am present in the moment. I am aware as the moment.

I am here. I remain as breath. I am breath. I am aware of me as breath. My attention is here. My presence is here.

Not being here is being up in the mind alternate reality -- projected out there. Doing something while thinking in the mind -- being somewhere out there. It is weird. I am physically here. Why do i need to be somewhere else? Why not be here. Where is my presence?

Why does death maifest? Death is the absence of self -- self not being present Here. Thus death is the manifestation of absence of self as Here as presence as awareness as breath as attention.

Give total attention to whatever i do Here in every moment as every breath. Whever i find myself not being Here as attention as presence as awareness as breath, i bring myself back here. No need to judge self. No need to panic. Simply bring self Here as breath as awareness as presence as attention.

Stop drifting into the mind alternate reality. Stop being leashed by thoughts/pictures/images/dramas. Stop playing movies/pictures/iamges/scenes up there somewhere. Be Here. Remain Here. I am Here. I am breath. I am attention. I am presence. I am awareness. I am nowhere else. Here is me. I am Here.

Free will/Free choice as the polar opposite of Enslavement/Control

http://www.messagefrommasters.com/Life_of_Masters/Jiddu/Krishnamurti-Sex.htm

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Jiddu Krishnamurti on Sex

Question: Why does sex play such an important part in each one's life in the world? Jiddu Krishnamurti - There is a particular philosophy, especially in India, called Tantra, part of which encourages sex. They say through sex you reach Nirvana. It is encouraged, so that you go beyond it - and you never do. Jiddu Krishnamurti - Why has sex become so important in our life? It has been so, not only in the present period, but always. Why has sex been so deeply embedded in man? - apart from producing children, I am not talking of that. Why? Probably it is the greatest pleasure a human being has. Demanding that pleasure, all kinds of complications arise; volumes have been written with explanations of the psychological complications. But the authors have never asked the question as to why human beings have made this thing so extremely important in their lives. Our life is in a turmoil, it is a constant struggle, with nothing original, nothing creative - I am using the word `creative' very carefully. The painter, the architect, the wood-carver, he may say he is creative. The woman who bakes bread in the kitchen is said to be creative. And sex, they say, is also creative. So what is it to be creative? The painters, the musicians and the Indian singers with their devotion, say that theirs is the act of creation. Is it? You have accepted Picasso as a great painter, a great creator, putting one nose on three faces, or whatever he does. I am not denying it or being derogatory, I am just pointing it out. That is what is called creation.

But is all that creativeness? Or is creativeness something totally different? You are seeing the expression of creativeness in a painting, in a poem, in prose, a in a statue, in music. It is expressed according to a man's talent, his capacity great or small; it may be modern Rock or Bach - I am sorry to compare the two! - they are quite incomparable.

We human beings have accepted all that as creative because it brings fame, money, position. But I am asking: is that creativity? Can there be creation, in the most profound sense of that word, so long as there is egotism, so long as there is the demand for success, money and recognition - supplying the market? Do not agree with me please. I am just pointing out. I am not saying I know creativity and you do not; I am not saying that.

I am saying we never question these things. I say there is a state where there is creation in which there is no shadow of self. That is real creation; it does not need expression, it does not need self-fulfilment; it is creation. Perhaps sex is felt to be creative and has become important because everything around us is circumscribed, the job, the office, going to the church, following some philosopher, some guru. All that has deprived us of freedom and, further, we are not free from our own knowledge; it is always with us, the past. So we are deprived of freedom outwardly and inwardly; for generation upon generation we have been told what to do. And the reaction to that is: I'll do what I want, which is also limited, based on pleasure, on desire, on capacity. So where there is no freedom, either outwardly or inwardly, specially inwardly, we have only one thing left and that is called sex. Why do we give it importance? Do you give equal importance to being free from fear? No. Do you give equal energy, vitality and thought to end sorrow? No. Why? Why only to sex?

Because that is the easiest thing to hand; the other demands all your energy, which can only come when you are free. So naturally human beings throughout the world have given this thing tremendous importance in life. And when you give something, which is only one part of life, tremendous importance, you are destroying yourself. Life is whole, not just one part.
If you give importance to the whole then sex becomes more or less unimportant. The monks and all those who have denied sex have turned their energy to god but the thing is boiling in them, nature cannot be suppressed. But when you give that thing all-importance, then you are corrupt.

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From these words, i discovered a point of my reluctance to give up free will/free choice. My holding onto free will/free choice is actually fear of enslavement/control. When i was a child, i felt that i have been deprived of freedom -- i regard my father as a dictator forcing me to do what he wants me to do and i identified myself as a powerless/helpless slave. I wanted to fight the situation but i did not make a difference because of the finanical dependency and physicality. Thus, i desired so much for freedom, always fighting for freedom -- i do not want to and fear to experience that enslavement and control. Thus, i went into the polar opposite of enslavement/control as free will/free choice -- i will do whatever i want to do; nobody has the right to do what (s)he wants me to do, perceiving/believing i am free in such a way; not allowing myself to realize that this apparent free will/free choice is also of limitation, controled/enslaved through desire and enlightened self-interest. So free will/free choice is the polar opposite of enslavement/control used to escape from/fight with the obvious enslvaement/control, which yet in fact is also enslavement/control.

I have formed such a perception/idea/belief that by giving up free will/free choice i will have no alternative but to go back again to the experience of enslavement/control -- being forced to do what i am told to do. This i definitely do not want to experience again; so i as a MCS will do whatever it takes to fight with it and protect/hold onto free will/free choice which i believed to be my definition of freedom.

What i did not understand is that application of freedom equals application of self-directiveness; real freedom = self-directiveness. Without self-directiveness, i am controled/enslaved. Accepting and allowing enslavement/control of me being forced to do what i am told to do is of course not self-directiveness and thus enslavement/control; but free will/free choice merely counteracting/fighting enslavement/control is also not self-directiveness, but self being directived by fear of enslavement/control and desire to stand as the opposite of and fight with what is presented as enslavement/control, thus lack of self-directiveness = enslavement/control.

It is to release my defintion of apparent enslavement/control and free will/free choice.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define enslavement/control as having no choice and thus in turn define freedom as having choices.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the application of freedom as the application of self-directiveness is not dependent on the situation that i am in -- no matter where i am with whom i am in what situation i am in, i can apply freedom = i can apply self-directiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that freedom can only be applied in a certain situation -- that which is not 'harsh' or 'bad'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself a powerless/helpless slave to my father, perceiving/believing that i can do nothing in such a situation instead of realizing that i did not understand at that time what i can do to direct the situation and that i have the power to direct that situation; i just did not know/realize my own power as self-directiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father and the situation for my experience of enslavement and contro; and vitimize myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to vitimize myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my self-definition as a victim and not allowing myself to take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am no longer that weak/powerless/helpless child, not being able to stand equal and one as the situation of abuse and direct the situation to stop the abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that i should not interfere my parents' relationship because i have formed such a perception/idea/belief that that is their business and that i have no right to interfere to stop the abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to judge myself, accuse myself, and punish myself as a child for me not standing equal and one as that situation and direct, instead of realizing that i did not know how to direct that situation at that time and it is ridiculous to require me to do that without me having a clue of what to do -- i can only do what i can based on my understanding at that moment -- all evaluations must take into consideration who i am at that moment, not who i should be based on my later understanding.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the stupidity and ridiculousness of evaluating my action based on who i am at this moment, not taking into consideration who i am at the moment the decision is made and the action taken.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to take myself into consideration -- who i am in what i do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to what i did, not taking into consideration who i am.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my past definition.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge/accuse/punish myself according to what i did in the past, instead of realizing that judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture can do nothing but make things worse.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that what i 'desired' is not free will/free choice but self-directiveness.

I forigve myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to confuse self-directiveness with free will/free choice.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing self-directiveness instead of realizing that self directiveness is who i am and can not be lost -- i am here; i direct; i am self-directiveness within the consideration of what is best for all.

Application of real freedom equals to applicaton of self-directiveness within the consideration of what is best for all as Life as all as one as equal no matter where i am with whom i am what situation i am in.

I stop abdication of self-directiveness. I stop enslavement/control which is abdication of self-directiveness. I stop being diercted by a situation. I stop being a slave to anything/anyone/any situation in this reality. I stop the fear of enlavement/cotrol. I stop fear being controled/enslaved. I stop reaction towards fear of being controlled/enslaved. I stop defining myself as a powerless/helpless slave and victim. I apply self-directiveness within the consideration of what is best for all. I am here as breath. I direct. I am direction. I am self-directiveness. I am application of freedom as self-directiveness within the consideration of what is best for all.

Stop fearing my mind; Cooperate with me as my mind

What i have discovered today is that i am actually existing in fear of my mind -- fearing the reactions and threatening from my mind. This pattern i have developed for quite a while -- almost a year. After i met desteni, i understood/realized more about the mind consciousness system, including the thoughts/pictures/images/emotions/feelings. But i then reacted within fear -- fear of myself as my mind, and i have been looping since then. Then resistances towards participating in this world is immense -- fear of the system = fear of myself as the system. Then a couple of weaks ago, this fear became more manifested. I made an equal money/equal labor system video on youtube and had quite a discussion with a being called Jeff on the video commnet. This Jeff person, as i see now, is the reflection of me as a mind consciousness system. He reacted furiously finally, out of fear, claiming to squash us (desteni) like a bug. I reacted within fear -- fealing scared and threatened by Jeff's words, fearing to be killed by him and regarding him to be more powerful than me, and accpeted myself to be inferior. Within this acceptance of fear from Jeff, i accepted and allowed myself to be inferior to myself as the mind consciousness system -- fearing to be attacked/threatend/killed/murdered/abused/tortured by myself as the MCS. But the truth is that i made a statement to kill/slaughter/remove myself as a mind consciousness system personality definition days ago, and me as a mind consciousness system reacted within fear to present itself to be more powerful than what it actually really is -- presenting itself to be able to threaten/kill/murder/abuse/torture me as Life -- while it's a total bluff. But i gave into this point of bluff from myself as a MCS, and believed that me as a MCS has the power to do so -- within this acceptance the bluff worked. So it is me giving myself as a MCS power to direct/manipulate/control/threaten me. I then developed a series of reactive behaviors within my mind which i feared through my own acceptance and allowance. The major points that i gave into fear to myself as a MCS is fear of thoughts/pictures/images/reactive behaviors -- all these points merely exist within my mind, yet i have given my power away to them to such an extent that they are able to direct me physically through my fear -- really weird and bizarre -- me physically being directed by illusions within me through acceptance and allowance of fear. Within this fear of thoughts/pictures/images/reactive behaviors within my mind, i tried to appease my mind, not to challenge my mind, not to exist in conflict with my mind, to be nice to my mind, to live peacefully with the 'beast' so to speak, giving permission to me as my mind to continue abuse me -- self-abuse. This pattern has manifested in my world as me fearing reactions from other beings in my world and fearing to challenge other beings' self-dishonesties, but want to avoid all possible conflicts including giving permission to other beings' self-dishonesty -- which is exactly a reflection of what i am accepting within myself. The outer reality reflects the inner reality, vice versa = the outer reality is equal and one to the inner reality. What i accept and allow within other beings, i accept and allow within myself. The world is a reflection of me = the world is me reflecting to me what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. One example is that i have been postponeing to direct one of my roomates to clear up the mess he created in the kitchen because i fear that i may hurt his feeling. I pushed through this fear and directed the being to clear up this mess. Then i realized what i am actually fearing is not fear of hurting the being's feeling but fear of reaction from this being -- a projection of my own fear of reaction from my mind. My roomate is reflecting what i am accepting and allowing within me. Now that i have seen/recoginized this point of me fearing the bluff of me as a MCS, the bluff will no longer work. Till here no further! I stop myself as a MCS no matter what!

Me as a MCS is a interesting design. It uses everything that it can use to test me to the ultimate specificity of the truth of me -- will i fall for the hook or am i able to recognize who i really am? What is the fabric that i am made of? My mind is not my enemy, it is me reflecting to me what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and testing the true nature of me. My mind is not a separate entity. It is me assisting and supporting me to realize who i have accepted and allowed myself to be and who i really am. So, cooperate with myself as my mind and see what my thoughts/images/pictures/emotions/feelings/reactive behaviors/patterns etc are showing me, always ready to see and correct myself. No need to fight and fear of myself as mind. No need to judge/resist/deny what i experience. Cooperate and always ready to see and change!

I stop separation from myself as my mind. I stop regarding my mind as my enemy. I stop fighting and fearing myself as my mind. I stand one and equal with myself as Here as my mind. I stop fearing and reacting to thoughts/pictures/images/emotions/feelings within my mind. I stop reactions/judgements/denials/resistances. I am Here as all and everything that is Here as me and walk within self-honesty with the consideration of what is best for all in every moment as every breath.

Action of gratefulness

The action of gratefulness is to Live who i really am as Life as all as one as equal to stop the thoughts/pictures/images/emotions/feelings within me in every moment as every breath to birth Life in the physical.

Separation from my mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that somebody has done something onto me and believed it to be real.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to confuse imagination with reality, perceiving/believing that what has happened within my mind is what has happened in this world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as my mind, and within this separation giving my power away to thoughts/pictures/images/imaginations.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to what exists within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with another being because of what i imagined of the being to have done onto me within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful to another being according to what i imagined that being has done onto me within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what i imagined within my mind to be real within this belief acting upon such illusions.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize and see the absoulte ridiculousness of being directed by imaginations/illusions within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to the thoughts/pictures/images/imaginations/illusions to direct me, instead of me directing myself Here as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine within my mind that Sunnette accusing/judging/punishing/threatening/attacking me and believe thiese imaginations to be real and acted within spitefulness towards Sunnette. WTF???!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge Sunnette as fucking bitch and judge many females as fucking bitch -- within this judgement, i judged myself as bad/evil and want to justify myself as bad/evil and believed myself to be bad/evil.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by my own words and attack myself within my mind. WTF??!!! This is absolute ridiculousness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that there are two me's within my mind. WTF?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fight with myself within my mind. WTF???!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to abuse myself for what is going on within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim/slave of my mind instead of realizing that it is actually through separation and participation in my mind that i have given permission to my mind to control me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard my mind to be an entitiy more than me which has the power to direct me to tell me what to do/what to say/where to go/how to interact with people etc.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what is going on within my mind, instead of realizing that self-judgement is a statement that the mind has power over me and is able to control me.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that it is me regarding myself to be less than my mind and what is going on within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself for what is going on within my mind instead of realizing that this a statement that my mind has power over me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want fight with me as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard my mind as something out there somewhere which indicates separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to justify separation saying in mind "what is so bad of separation?" -- separation is not bad nor good but merely needs to be stopped within and as self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fight with my mind which indicates separation -- i am regarding my mind to be something more than me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be controlled by my mind, and want to do the exact opposite of what is within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accetped and allowed myself to form a reactive behavior, saying in my mind "Don't you fucking tell me what to do?" with spitefulness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to and repel all suggestions/advice/assistance/support from other beings through words.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since human beings can not be trusted i must trust nobody's words and that i must block all the information and if i hear some words/suggestions/advice i will do exactly the opposite.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that since nobody can be trusted in this world, i must protect myself by holding myself back and take nobody's advice/suggestions/words.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be harmed/fucked/influenced by other people's words.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be spiteful toward everybody in order for me to protect myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and alllowed myself to imagine within my mind defending/attacking other people who are trying to harm me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as fear of being harmed/hurt/fucked.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to accept vulnerability as myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that always being suspicious about another's intention is the way to protect me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to survive in this world i have to assume that everybody else is trying to deceive/manipulate/fuck with me.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that me as my mind is combing different pictures that it has downloaded to mix them up to form a 'new' picture to fit into the current situation and if i believe that is me i am falling for the hook.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the pictures and words that pop within my mind as bad and judge myself as bad for having these pictures within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim to the pictures within my mind -- feeling that i have been possessed by these pictures.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is going on within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to stop the separation from my mind and stand one and equal as my mind to direct my mind equal and one Here within self-honesty taking into consideration what is best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mind for what i experience instead of realizing that i am abdicating self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to abdicate self-responsibility -- as long as i exist in separation from my mind, i can continue to blame my mind and not actually change/transform self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to separate from my mind and blame my mind.

I stop separation from my mind. I stop being directed by my mind. I stand one and equal with my mind, directing me Here within self-honesty. I stop blaming my mind. I take self-responsibility. I am Here. I direct. I move. I stop. I live. I express.

Desire for confirmation of self-honesty

Self-honesty is self-evident. Within self-honesty, self knows that self is honest to self as Life with certainty and there is no desire for confirmation from another point. The very desire for confirmation from another point is an indication that self is not honest to self. I have this desire of being confirmed that i am self-honest and present that i am self-honeset, which indicates that i do not understand self-honesty and i am not self-honest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that another being tells me that i am self-honest and fear that other people may discover that i am self-dishonest and judge me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard Bernard/Sunnette/Dimensional beings/other forum members to be more than me, perceiving/believing that if they tell me that i am self-honest then i am self-hoenst and if they tell me that i am self-dishonest then i am self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can not trust myself to distingush between self-hoensty and self-dishonesty and must let other people especially those i perceived to be more than me to tell me whether i am self-honest or self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect other people to tell me that i am self-honest, believing that i can only trust that self-honest when other people tell me that i am self-honest -- which is but an idea of self-honesty and not what self-honesty really is.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have lived an idea of self-honesty.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that i am self-honest which but an imagination/idea within myself instead of living self-honesty witin self-trust.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that i can not trust myself to see whether i am self-honest or self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-trust -- not allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to present to others that i am self-honest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to prove to other people that i am self-honest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be judged if i am existing in self-dishonesty instead of realizing that this is self-judgement.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define self-dishonesty as bad/evil and that if i am self-dishonest, i deserve to be judged/accused/punished/abused/tortured as a payment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear punishment, and within this fear of punishment i defined myself as fear of self-dishonesty and thus resist/deny/justify self-dishonesty at all cost.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist/deny/justify self-dishonesty at all cost out of fear of punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live out my self-definition as fear of punishment which is a system construct/design that i have developed since i was a child fearing to be punished physically by my father.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a belief that if i admit something that is reagarded as bad, i will then receive punishment which has given me such a perception/idea/belief that taking self-responsibility by admitting what i have done = receiving punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in resistance/denial/justification automatically/immediately when i am confronted.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i become that which i fear/resist/deny/justify.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become by resisting/denying/fearing self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that i have trapped myself into self-dishonesty through fearing/resisting/denying/justifying self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have acccepted and allowed myself to attack/abuse other people within my mind when i feel threatened/attacked which most of the time is but my interpretation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being supersensitive and easily 'hurt'/threatened.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in high tension, always ready to deny/defend/justify what i have done.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still live the pattern that i have developed when i was a child.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to please/satisfy my father.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to want to get validation/confirmation from my father.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire my parents to tell me that i am good.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react within my mind, saying "how dare you say that? i will kill you." LOL!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of self-honesty to hide the self-honesty that exists within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards beings who tell me that i am self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse/torture beings within my mind if the being does not give me that i desired.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to say in my mind:"You fucking give it to me, fucking bitch" -- really a demonitc expression.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the reactive behavior within me, saying "How dare you say that? I will kill you. You fucking give it to me, fucking bitch. Who the fuck give you the right to tell me what to do?" and imagine within my mind of me being mad and furious and actually act upon these imaginations within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as these reactive behaviors, and actually follow these behaviors, instead of seeing the ridiculousness of the situation.

Some supports from today's experience

Last night, before i go to bed i set my alarm at 10:30am but i had a thought what if i can not get up immediately tomorrow morning which as i see proves that i have no self-discipline? I applied self-forgiveness for this point then went to bed. But this morning, my fear still manifested. I remember i heard my alarm but i went to sleep again and only got up at a much later time. Then i realized i manifested my own fear. Then i immediately went into self-judgement and self-defeat. But i then realized that this is unnecessary. Such an experience is showing me that i am manifesting my own fear = cool support.

Also, i tested out with MC the exact time i got up this morning -- did not work mainly because i did not trust myself but testing with expectations -- wanting to use my mind to influence the result. Fear of trusting myself. Then i went into blame, because previously i am quite 'successfu in MC and now i can not = i want to blame this onto somebody else. This is exactly what happended when i blame desteni for why i have abdicated self-trust. A cool point for me to see how i blame others for an experience that i manifested for myself. This short time experience brought the whole point that i did not see clear into perspective = cool support.

Then i had some issue with time/schedule. I felt that i always fuck up with time/schedule = i regarded them to have power over me and i manifested experience for me to see what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. I mistook today as Friday and thought that i was supposed to take the MC test this afternoon 1pm -- but strage enough, it did not take place. So i went into worry, concern, anxiety, perceving that i have done something wrong. Well, it turns out later that today is Thursday. Haha, all these are self-manifested experience for me to see what i am creating within my world = cool support.

I also had a fear of not passing the MC test and move onto lesson 2. I perceived that if i can not move onto lesson 2, i am abandoned. I feared that i might be abandoned. This is what happened in the college entrance examination, when quite a few students went to Qinghua Beidai university and my father told me that ONLY i have been left out. I believed in this. I feared that i might be abandoned again. I feared to feel like a loser. I feared to feel defeated.

Then the point of identificaiton of self-judgement/self-torture/self-abuse/self-hatred/self-punishment with self-responsibility opened up. There are many pimples manifested on the top of my head = self hatred/self-abuse/self-punishement. The manifested symptom of my right hand is also related to this point.

A big point i found is that i interpreted self-honesty and self-dishonesty with polarity. Defined self-honesty as the polar opposite of self-dishonesty. I defined all of my past as self-dishonesty and perceived that i should do the direct opposite of my past in order to become self-honest, which is but my idea of self-honesty and through which i have fucked myself. I reversed my past, believing that this is self-honesty which actually turned into spitefulness.

I also found that my reactive pattern of going into panic and attacking beings within my mind is out of fear/feeling threatened. A reacitve/protective behavior of "do onto others what they may do onto me first" = attacking/abusing/murding/killing another which i feel threatened. I found that i actually react to many words. I judged many words as bad/evil. I defined people according the word they speak and the interpretation i hold onto to the words.

I also have this confusion with whether fuckface is out of spitefulness or not.

Resistance and self-discipline breath and hands

Resistance

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in resistance towards writing self-forgiveness on resistance, using excuses that i do not know how to start.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deny and resist self-dishonesty points out of fear of judgement, accusation and punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge self-dishonesty as bad/evil/wrong and accuse/punish/abuse myself for the self-honesty points that i exist as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive i deserve to be judged/accused/punished/abused for the self-dishonesty that i exist as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge/accuse/punish/abuse myself for the self-dishonesty that i exist as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that if i do not judge/accuse/punish/torture/abuse myself for self-dishonesty, i must reward it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive it to be abnormal if i do not judge/accuse/punish/abuse/torture myself when i found that i was existing in self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to judge/accuse/punish/abuse/torture myself when i found that i was existing in self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that something must be wrong if i do not receive judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse if i found self-dishonesty points.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse as a way of life and have been so ingrained as it that i regard it as a part of me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe if i do not judge/accuse/punish/abuse myself when i found that i was existing in self-dishonesty, i must be self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad if i do not fulfill the obligation that the system has imposed on me which i have accepted as who i am.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when i have fulfilled the obligation that i received from the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to actually feel good about myself when judge/accuse/punish/abuse myself because i feel that i have fulfilled my obligation and that i am self-honest instead of realizing that this is only my idea of self-honesty which is actually fucking myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged if i do not meet the obligation from the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that the more i judge/accuse/punish/abuse myself for my self-dishonesties, the more self-honest i am. Holy Crap!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to prevent self-dishonesty through fear of punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse can prevent me from the self-honesties that i exist as instead of realizing that i am actually suppressing the self-dishonesty points that i am required to deal with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a reactive behavior of judging/accusing/punishing/abusing myself when i found that i was self-dishonest and perceive/believe that this is the way life is and this is the way i can correct myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that i can only prevent myself from self-dishonesty through punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that i have become self-honest after judgement/accusation/punishment/abuse because i have paid for my self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture as a payment for my self-dishonesty, and form such a misconcepttion that after these punishments i become self-honest automatically because i have paid for it and i do not need to deal with self-dishonesties any more, instead of realizing that self-dishonesty will not just go away after punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel unfair that after i judge/accuse/punish/torture/abuse myself i still need to deal with self-dishonesty points that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire an easy way out of self-dishonesty and judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture is the easy way that i as my mind interprets to self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture is only suppressing the self-dishonesty points and preventing me from facing the self-dishonesty points and dealing with them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief taht i can not deal with self-dishonesty before i judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to use judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture to move myself which is actually separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture because they are the tools that i believed to be my savior from self-dishonesty which is actually fucked-up idea preventing me from facing the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and actually change/transform myself.

I forgive myself that i have not allow myself to realize that judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture is actually self-dishonesty that is allowing myself to continue the self-dishonesty that i exist as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind reacting :"How dare you say that?! " LOL!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to continue self-dishonesty through self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture is much easier than actually facing self-dishonesty and dealing with self-honesty to actually change/transform myself, thus self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture is my perceived "easy way out".

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my "treasure" of self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture so that i can continue my self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the deception and manipulation of self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture which is ACTUALLY self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am actually mainpulating and deceiving myself to hold onto the self-dishonesty which requires me to face it and deal with it and actually change/transform myself.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that as long as i hold onto this self-defintiion of self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture, i can continue to deny/resist and continue the self-honesty that i have accepted and allowed within me -- i am actually aware of what i am doing but i deceive myself that i do not know. LOL. Fuck!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the law of resistance -- what i resist persists -- to continue the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind self- judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture with the true nature of me as spitefulness towards who i really am as Life.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that both support and resistance of self-dishonesty is self-dishonesty in itself which is giving permission to the self-dishonesty to continue to exist -- the real solution is to stand one and equal with self-dishonesty, face it, deal with it, transform self within/as it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the polarity of good/bad, perceiving/believing that without such a distinction of good/bad the world will go mad, instead of realizing that the world has already gone mad!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to interpret desnteni materials through my mind -- if nothing is bad or wrong then everything is OK-- supporting self-abuse; if nothing is good or right then everything is evil and wrong -- judgement/accusation/punishment/torture -- resisting self-abuse = supporting self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that if i do not resist i must support and continue, instead of realizing that both resistance and support is continuing the self-abuse -- real change comes from embracing, stopping and transforming Here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to copy/download programs that i have been taught through my life and use this prgramto interprete self-honesty and self-dishonesty.

I stop! Till here no further!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the education system and schoolwork as bad, perceiving that if i am existing in the education system i must be fucked up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the system, existing in resistance towards being in the system instead of realizing that this process is to be in the system yet not of the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the education system as bad and believe whoever in the education system must be a robot -- so that the only way out is to escape from the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be a slave in the education system and want to escape from the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system instead of standing one and equal with the system direct myself equal and one Here in and as the system to transform my experience in the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that whatever i do in the education system is all self-dishonesty, and thus existing in stagnation -- not moving myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as being self-dishonest and fear self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in resistance towards schoolwork, because i do not feel like doing schoolwork within judgement that -- schoolwork is all system stuff and if i do schoolwork i am self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the fact that i used to be very effective in the system but now i perceive that i have fucked myself and exist in constant and continuous cycles without effectiveness in getting out of this mess.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have judged/believed my effectiveness in the education system and highly developped technique of dealing with information as self-dishonesty and abdicated such effectiveness through fear of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have formed a fucking idea of self-dishonesty -- believing effectiveness in the system and ability to process information effectively to be self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that if i am effective in the system i must be self-dishonest and if i am self-honest i must be fucking stupid in the system -- so i should abdicate effectiveness in processing information and effectiveness in dealing with school mateirals in order for me to be self-honest. Fucking stupid!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be extremely angry with the fact that i deliberately abdicated my effectiveness in the education system for my perceived idea of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame other people for my current experience of ineffectiveness in the education system dealing with schoolwork, instead of realizing that i am responsible for my own stupidity.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame those who have judged the education system as bad for misleading me to abdicate effectiveness in the education system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as fucking stupid to deliberately abdicate effectiveness in the system and wish i did not do this.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret for having abdicated my effectiveness in the system instead of realizing that regret will change nothing and blame will make no difference.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant to deal with what is Here as the fact that i have deliberately dumbed myself down to become my perceived idea of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself physically by hitting my head using my hand, instead of realizing self-abuse is not going to make a difference and can only make things worse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge knowledge and information in the education system, perceiving/believing that they are from the system and if i learn/study them they will fuck me and i will become self-dishonest -- thus existing in resistance and inner conflicts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear dealing with information through judging informaiton as bad and perceive it to have power over me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe whatever i do in the education system is self-dishonesty and there is no way out.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to knowledge and informaiton through fear of dealing with them because i have judged them as from system which can fuck me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the system instead of realizing that it is to exist in the sytem yet not of the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to formed such a perception/idea/belief that as long as i am in the education system whatever i do is self-dishonesty, yet at the same time i have to be in the system -- thus existing in constant and continuous resistance and inner conflicts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to just want to escape from the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate desteni from the system, perceiving that desteni is good and the system is bad -- existing in polarity.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define desteni materials as good and whatever other materials are from the sytem and thus bad -- exsting in polarity.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard desteni materials as like a bible and block all other sources of information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that desteni materials are the only source of information that i can trust and any other sources of information is self-dishonesty and will fuck me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fucked by information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in resistance towards other sources of information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect myself by only holding onto desteni materials and blocking all other sources of information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that if i read any other information from a source that is not directly from desteni or approved by desteni, then i must be self-dishonest and that i am fucking myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being harmed by the system and influenced by system information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i can not trust myself and i can only trust desteni which i regared as my savior -- abdicating myself completely and exisiting in separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abandon the self-trust that i have built and follow desteni like following a religion and thus fucked myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry for abandoning self-trust/self-certainty/self-confidence and effectiveness in the system and now i have to rebuild them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame desteni materials for why i have abandoned self-trust/self-certainty/self-confidence and effectiveness in the system instead of realizing that it is the idea that i have formed about desteni and my interpretation of desteni materials through my mind that has fucked me -- i have fucked myself and i am responsible.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to resist school materials and only want to read desteni materials -- so i procrastinated doing all the schoolwork until the last minute of the dealine and i have to do the schoolwork which i judged as bad with much anxiety/frustration/self-judgement/doubt/resistance/denial/anger/irritation/hate and sometimes when i can not meet the dealine i will just give up and judge the schoolwork as stupid system information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself constantly and continuously with such a fucking cycle when i procrastinate schoolwork until the shit hits the fan and i have to experience all the mindshit again and again and again and again in the fucking cycle.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify my experience of me existing in the fukcing cycle as self-honesty, perceiving/believing that this is self-honesty because previously when i was in the education system i was quite stable and able to handle schoolwork and information with high efficiency which i judged as self-dishonesty and abandoned -- now i become different so this must be self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that effectiveness in the system is self-honesty and ineffectiveness in the system is self-honesty. I can not believe i can form such a fucking stupid idea.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the idea through judging it -- not willing to let go of what happened in the past. I stop!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on the 'mistake' that i made in my past instead of assisting and supporting myself to transform myself here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a habbit of "doing the things that i feel like doing first and then the things i do not feel like doing", instead of realizing that this is the very behavior leading to procrastination and laziness -- in order to break this patterrn of procrastination and laziness "do the things which i resist first and then the things that i enjoy" -- and at the same time clear resistance towards those that i resist -- resistance is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to categorize things into those i resist and those i enjoy instead of realizing that this categorization exists because i have formed an idea and expectation about what i do -- clear all perceptions/ideas/beliefs to release the construct of resistance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from the discomfort that i experience when i am dealing with things that i resist -- thus the motivation of procrastination.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what i experience as discomfort and want to escape from it/suppress it or do something else like those things that i apparently enjoy to not have to face it, instead of investigating why i experience resistance and discomfort in the first place.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to define doing something that i do not feel like doing is self-abuse -- instead of realizing that i am only following and trusting my feeling which is of my mind -- trusting/following feelings is self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only want to deal with those that i feel like doing and reject those i do not feel like doing -- this is a program and can not be accepted.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoid that which i resist instead of realizing that i am only hiding from the problem and the problem will not go away by itself -- i have to push through the resistance and deal with the problem.

Push through resistances no matter what!

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the things that i resist may not actually be that 'bad' or boring but may be only the illusion of an idea that is actually preventing me from pushing through it to see the illusion of an idea.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to do things according to my perceptions/ideas/beliefs that i have formed -- doing those i perceive that i enjoy first while procrastinating those i perceive that i do not enjoy and thus resist.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastination through holding onto the idea that if i do that which i judged as system stuff and thus i resist, i will be supporting the system and thus i am self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use my idea of self-honesty and self-dishonesty to justify resistance and procrastination -- perceiving believing that there is no way out but resistance and procrastination.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that resistance and procrastination is the best solution to exist in the system and remain self-honest, which is but my fucked-up idea of self-honesty and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that escaping from the system, resistance and procrastination is the best solution to exist in the system within self-honesty while it is obviously not working but only fucking me in the constant and continuous cycles.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such an idea that self-honesty is to not participate in the system and self-dishonesty is to participate in the system instead of realizing that the difference between self-honesty and self-dishonesty is dependent on the starting point and that self-honesty requires active participation in the system but not of the system -- taking into consideration what is best for all within participation in the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a fuck-up, existing in frustration that i have fucked myself through following my idea of self-honesty and self-honesty.
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self-discipline

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as lack of self-discipline because of my constant and continuous participation in procrastination and failure of getting out of the cycle.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to define myself as a loser existing in self-defeat, perceiving that i will never get out of this fucking cycle that i am experiencing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will never be able to get out of this cycle of procrastination -- through justification that i do not have what it takes as self-discipline.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i do not have self-discipline instead of realizing that i am only using excuses and justifications to not assist and support who i really am as Life but only want to hold onto my personality definition which is placing self-interest over Life's interest and thus self-abuse and can not be tolerated in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to have some motivation for me to be self-disciplined instead of realizing a motivation is separation and when that motivation discipates i will not be able to be disciplined thus this self-discipline is not real but pursuit of self-interest based on separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to self-disciplined to assist and support who i really am as Life as all as one as equal, which indicates that i am actually enjoying self-abuse to continue to fuck myself.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that self-discipline is out of self-responsibility -- the responsibility towards self as Life as all as one as equal -- self-discipline is the living statement of not allowing self to exist in self-abuse no matter what.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to gain self-discipline instead of realizing that self-discipline is the natural expression of who i really am as Life -- the only reason that i am not self-disciplined is because i am not actually interested in who i really am as Life -- otherwise i will do whatever it takes to discipline myself in the process of self-realization as Life.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that believing that i do not have self-discipline and want to gain self-discipline first is only me manipulating/justifying/holding onto enlightened self-interest.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i actually enjoy self-abuse = enjoy fucking myself and use lack self-discipline to justify and continue. Fuck! I stop!
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Breath

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive it to be very hard for me to be aware of each and every single breath -- perceiving it to be an almost impossible task.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist assisiting and supporting myself to be aware of my breath because i perceived that i am not able to do it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i may fail in assisting and supporting myself to be aware of each and every single breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel frustrated when i realize that i am not aware of me as breath Here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to succeed in being aware of each and every single breath and fear failure.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when i found that i failed to remain here as awareness as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-defeat when i found that i have lost myself in my mind without me being here as awareness as breath for a long period and will stop assisting and supporting myself to bring myself back here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as self-defeat and separate myself from self-defeat by judging self-defeat as bad.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid making myself feel bad.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define it to be self-abuse to do something that makes me feel bad -- only want to work with that which makes me feel good about myself -- supporting my own self-definitions, and never challeng them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only deal with that which makes me feel good about myself - that which supports my personality design within self-dishonesty while avoid that which makes me feel bad about myself - that which challenges my personality design within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to do things from the starting point of making myself feel good instead of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to replace self-honesty with feeling good about myself and self-dishonesty with feeling bad about myself, instead of realizing that i am following my feeling and trusting my mind design.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications/excuses/reasons "What is the point of doing something that makes me feel bad about myself? Isn't that self-abuse?" to continue to exist in the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to be and become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that self-honesty will make me feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuses/justifications/reasons that i have the right/free will to make myself feel good about myself and nobody can deprive me of this right -- me protecting my mind design within enlightened self-interest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoid challenging my own mind design but only want to protect it which is self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to do something from the starting point of getting a reward -- feeling good about of myself is a reward.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that it is natural and normal to avoid that which makes me feel bad as punishment and pursue that which makes me feel good as reward.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the polarity of good/bad and reward/punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it makes sense to pursue reward while avoid punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define that which makes me feel good as reward and that which makes me feel bad as punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to purceive/believe that if i do something that makes me feel bad including challenging my own self-dishonesty within self-honesty, i am punishing myself and abusing myself instead of realizing that this a programmed perception/idea/belief.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear punishment and do whatever it takes to avoid punishment and feel bad.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the polarity of good/bad reward/punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be self-honest because self-honesty makes me feel bad about myself when i see the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed within me and according to my idea that making me feel bad is self-punishment thus self-abuse -- but all these are programs that i have accepted and allowed as who i am.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that it is not about make me feel good or bad about myself it is about self-honesty or self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to categorize self-honesty and self-dishonesty according to my feelings -- that which i have learned and known and that which i have placed trust in.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place self-honesty/self-dishonesty within the construct of polarity.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that making myself feel good about myself within self-dishonesty is real self-abuse while challenging my own mind design which may make me feel bad within in self-honesty is the real gift that i can give to myself -- the world is in reverse -- those things that i perceive that i enjoy i may not actually enjoy while those i perceive that i do not enjoy i may ACTUALLY enjoy.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that feeling is not trustworthy. I stop trusting my feelings as feeling good and feeling bad based on my preprogrammed perception/idea/belief and stop pursuing reward while fear punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to perceive that i do not have the motivation to assist and support me as awareness as breath instead of realizing that motivation as desire for reward is a program that i have allowed to exist within me which is preventing me from moving myself within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that using a separate point as reward as a motivation to move me is not self-movment -- me moving myself/directing myself within self-honesty without separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that being aware of each and every single breath is impossible and thus existing in self-defeat even before i give myself an opportunity to start.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i do not have what it takes to finish such a huge task as being aware of each and every single breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project being aware of each and every single breath into the future -- regarding it to be some great/extraordinary experience in the future that i can achieve instead of realizing that breath as awareness as self is Here in every moment not in the future.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find all kinds of excuses/justifications why i can not assist and support myself to be Here as awareness as breath in each and every single moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse/justification that my chronic rhinitis is causing me a disadvantage in assisting and supporting myself as breath -- and because of this disadavantage i can not succeed in being aware as every breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to succeed, defining myself accoridng to the polarity of success/failure.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i am unlucky to have chronic rhinitis which i perceive to be the main reason why i can not be aware of each and every single breath.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am only using an excuse and justification why i do not assist and support myself as who i really am.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that if i am really serious about assisting and supporting myself as Life as who i really am, nothing can be in my way, nothing can be an obstacle -- I will do whatever it takes to realize who i really am no matter what -- all excuses/justifications/reasons are invalid.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only use chronic rhinitis as an excuse of giving up and supporting self-defeat.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to give up myself as breath as Life, which is unacceptable! I trust myself i will always assist and support myself to realize who i really am no matter what -- never give up who i really am -- self-defeat is not acceptable!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i have tried many times to be aware of each and every single breath but i failed, existing in self-defeat, giving myself up even before i start.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear i may fall into my past patterns again and give up again, instead of realizing that i am actually preparing myself to fall -- finding excuses/justifications why i may fall so that i can justify why i will fall in the future -- not acceptable!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to not realize that i have already given up even before i start. I stop! This can not be allowed!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to deceive myself that breath is less than what it really is as who i really am as Life so that i can justify why i do not assist myself and feel bad for abidicating who i really am as Life as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard breath to be not that important because apprently i have lived so many years without awareness as breath -- and i am apparently still alive, instead of realizing that i am justifying the self-defeat of not being able to assist and support myself as breath Here in every moment.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to say in my mind"I will fail anyway, so i will not bother to give it a shot." -- self-defeat and giving up. Unacceptable!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect that i solve a problem immedidately without any pain and discomfort and if i fail in the first time, i give up immediately.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to say to myself "OK. I will give myself one shot. If i can not make it, i will give up."

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give up if i fail in the first shot.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to perceive that if fail in the first shot i will always fail thus giving up myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have already given up before i start and the one hasty/lousy/lame shot i do is only to prove to myself the self-defeat that i have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to set up a limit in the opportunities i give to myself and after this limit i will give up, instead of realizing this is acceptance and justification of self-defeat. I will always assist and support myself as who i really am as Life as all as one as equal no matter how many times/how long it takes me to "make it" -- i am willing to walk with myself and assist and support myself into eternity -- i will never give up who i really am as Life as all one as equal no matter what -- i am always my own assistance and support -- i am always here with myself -- i will never abandon myself no matter how difficult it is -- i am always patient with myself without getting irritated no matter how many times i 'fail' -- i do not judge myself no matter how stupid i seem to be -- i always trust myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take all the shit that i have downloaded from my father and i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the good virtues that i see within my mother is that which i have not yet accepted as myself. I accept myself. I embrace myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to download the programs of imaptience/defeat/frustration/anger/hatred/irritation etc from my father and desire patience/encouragement/love etc from my mother which is actually that which i have separated myself from and projected onto my mother.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed self-defeat as who i am. I stop!

I am here as breath in every moment -- whenever i found myself drifting into my mind i simply bring myself back here without judgement/abuse/tortuture/accusation/blame/self-defeat/frustration/anger/punishment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i may not be able to discipline myself to bring myself back here as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-discipline in practical applicaiton.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not doing good enough.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not writing enough self-forgiveness.

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Hands

One of the manifested physical symptoms is the numbness of half of my left palm including the fourth finger and the pinky. The numbness is like something that does not belong to my body has filled in my left palm and has blocked my sensation-- it should be the manifested system. Another manifested symptom is a circular disk-shaped Keratoderma at the junction of the root of my fourth finger and fifth finger of my RIGHT hand. The skin around there is very thick and hard. The numbness in my left hand has manifested for eight months. And the Keratoderma has manifested for a couple of years and has become worse recently. I have the habit of biting my nails for many years. And i noticed that more palmar creases came out in the past month, especially two vertical line originating from the root of my fourth finger and the pinky down through the palm and one horizantal line at the right bottom corner of my left hand. Another symptom is the nail of my fourth toe fell the other day.

Part of the chat that is related to this point:
‹Wei Wu› There have been more palm creases manifested on my hands for around a month. What does this have to do?
‹Andrea› the hand is a also a map of the body
‹Andrea› creases show where you are copying expressions within yourself to present over and over instead of actually breaking through your suppressions to see who you are
‹Andrea› it is like a program only having a few ways of expressing and then recalling the same programs to present
‹Wei Wu› This makes sense. I have been looping myself.
‹Andrea› so I suggest time for you to break out of your own self manifested opinion of who you are and start pushing through suppressions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned with the manifested symptoms on my hand, and judge them instead of realizing that they are assisting and supporting me to see what i have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to place special values and worths on palmar creases -- perceiving/believing that they have decided my whole life -- instead of realizing that this is the programmed life and not the real Life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a special pattern of palmar creases so that i can have a special life that i desire.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be special.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what palm reading has to say which is all but preprogrammed.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive palm reading to be mysterious, special and profound instead of realizing that it represents system program design.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge system program desings as bad and react to them, existing in fear of control. I stop!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i must be special to have these palmar creases manifested on my hands instead of realizing that creases show where I am copying expressions within yourself to present over and over instead of actually breaking through your suppressions to see who i am -- it is like a program only having a few ways of expressing and then recalling the same programs to present.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to judge myself as stupid to worship the programs that represent limitation.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have existing in extreme limitation -- jumping only the old few programs constantly and continuously -- nothing new.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as limitation and live out my self-definition as limitation.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the manifested symptom of numbness and cornification at the joint root of my fourth finger and pinky is an indication that there is a huge problem with my perception and relationship.

I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to not want to face the problem that has caused such manifested symptoms but only the symptoms to go away without me making any change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore the reason why these symptoms manifest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist and suppress the points that i am required to deal with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant to deal with self-dishonesty and justify it by defining myself as laziness.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that laziness is self-abuse, protecting the systems within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the points that i am dealing with -- wanting to get them all done in one moment which is not a possible task and within this i feel frustrated and wanted to escape from this frustration by ignoring deliberately the problem that i am required to deal with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to wait and procrastinate until the problem goes away by itself instead of realizing that the problem will not just go away if i do not give attention to it and deal with it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the amount of mainfested palmar creases -- fearing that i may not handle so many points.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i may never diffuse the manifested symptom on my hand -- feeling frusted, helpless and powerless.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separte myself from the manifested physical symptom and give my power away.

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to want to become more than the manifested symptom which is the ploarity of allowing myself to feel less than the manifested symptom.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the mainfested symptom on my hands may become worse and worse and that i will not be able to deal with them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that i can not pinpoint all the points that i need to apply self-forgiveness on in order to diffuse a program.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to trust myself and take self-responsibility.

So in summary, what the manifested symptoms of my hands and feet are indicating: biting nails -- anger frustration; the nail of my fourth toe falling off -- not expanding in relationship; numbness and cornification of skin of the fourth finger and pinky -- perception and relationship problem; palmar creases -- limitation, suppression and jumping programs.