Thursday, December 10, 2009

cold shower as self-directive self-support

I took a cold shower tonight. I usually take warm/hot shower and wash my face and hands with warm water too, especially in winter -- it makes me comfortable.

Seeking comfort and avoiding/escaping from any discomfort is 'natural'. This is a reflection of me being directed by comfort, not allowing myself to move out of my comfort zone. I have created and desigend myself some comfort zones, which i in turn define as who i am. Within the comfort zones, i feel at home and secure, and when i move out of them i feel threatened and insecure and want to go back to that which i have defined as who i am. This is one method i use to protect my self-definition and allow myself to become a slave to the limitation that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. Within only seeking the comfort and avoiding/escaping from discomfort, i always exist as that which i have always existed as -- nothing new, old patterns repeating again and again and again.

Self-honesty makes me feel uncomfortable, at least in the beginning, because self-honesty requires me to see the ugliness/abuse/atrocities within self and within this world that I usually do not feel like seeing and which i usually deny/resist/judge/suppress; self-honesty requires me to direct myself to stop the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed and move out of the self-inflicted limitation as the prisonality. They are not that easy, especically when i am addicted to and identified with the prisonality that i defined as who i am and feel comfortable with. I can find all kinds of excuses and justifications as why i should keep holding onto this apparent 'comfort' as self-dishonesty and limitation -- "Why do i go into the discomfort so long as i can make myself 'comfortable'? Isn't it self-abuse to make myself 'uncomfortable'? Why do i abuse myself by doing something that makes me uncomfortable? I have the right to choose this 'comfort' that i am currently experiencing. I don't feel like challenging myself." What i did not see is that this definition of comfort is me being comfortable with myself as personality/limitation/self-dishonesty that i have identified myself with, and this apparent right/choice is but justification of acceptance of limitation and self-dishonesty which is real self-abuse.

Self directing self within self-honesty to break down the self-accepted/allowed limitation by moving through the discomfort/resistance in the beginning and embrace the true self as the unknown -- this is self-directiveness, self-will and is where real freedom and comfort exists. The application of freedom is self-directivenss within self-honesty, not self being directed by a separate point that has power over self. Within self-directiveness, real comfort as self reveals because self is the director of self both within and without, no longer a slave to a separate point -- self stands up and empowers/directs/moves self.

Back to cold shower. Observe myself within shower. I first used hot/warm water shower and become comfortable with it, i then have much resistance towards moving to cold water shower, moving out of the comfort that i am experiencing and into the discomfort. I ask myself where is self-direction? Am i able to direct myself? Am i a slave to the apparent comfort? It is not about deliberately making myself uncomfortable/miserable or abuse/torture myself, it is about whether i am able to direct/move myself, me proving to myself that i am not a slave to the comfort that i am experiencing. So i pushed through the resistance. I prove to myself that i am not a slave. I prove to myself that i am able to direct myself even against my own 'natural instinct' of holding onto comfort. Self-directiveness is real comfort and application of freedom -- self-proving to self that self is not a slave.

Taking the cold shower is me directing myself as self-assitance and self-support to prove to myself that i am able to direct myself and that i am not a slave to myself as a mind consciousness system consisting of thoughts/images/pictures/emotions/feelings/energies/perceptions/ideas/beliefs/constructs/systems/patterns/behaviors/personality.

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