Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Here to change

I registered a course of biophysics this semester, because i got interested in the functioning of DNA and wanted to understand more about how it works. I expected this course to be interesting and we can discuss a lot of the most recent progresses in biology, which, however, is just my idea of how this course should be.

In the actual course, i felt disappointed. There are seven students who are in this course and only two of us is native students and the other five, including me, are Chinese students. The teacher is also Chinese. Chinese students, obviously not all, tend to muddle through courses without much participation and contribution in class. I thought this course would turn into a dull one because of so many Chinese students. I really do not want to just muddle through this course and get a high score without really learning something at least. So this generated a feeling of disappointment and despondency within me.

Today i actually participated in my first class of this course. The lecture turned out to be not so dull. I actually had some discussions and insights during the lecture, which released much of the despondency that i felt previously. When having discussions in class, i felt anxiety within wanting to speak and fearing to speak at the same time which manifested as energy movement in my solar plexus and quickened heart beats. This pattern has accompanied me for quite a while. The anxiety arises when i have the desire to speak up and express myself but i prevent myself from doing so out of fear and this suppressed expression will accumulate within me and creates anxiety. The fear that i experienced which prevent me from speaking at the moment is based on a couple of factors: one factor is the concern whether i am speaking at the right time--will I disrupt the professor's lecture; another fator is expectation; also fear of judgement--what other students might think about me. The Chinese student definition is underlying this whole experience, which i have formed during my years in Chinese education system. I had the concern whether i am acting like a Chinese student and whether i am too different than a typical Chinese student. LOL. It is really ridiculous. Why the fuck do i have to act like a Chinese student? Why the fuck do i define myself as a Chinese student who have certain specific behavior patterns? LOL. Absolute limitation. It is a program. I have already had certain awareness of this pattern and I am breaking down this pattern. This also explains why i have difficulty fitting into the Chinese group -- i no longer allow myself to define myself according to a national personality.

Then i realized this point: i am here to make a difference. I am not just here when everything is perfect so that the only thing that i am here to do is just enjoy. This world/the current system requires change and that is what i need to bring out and that is why i am here. I am Here to make a difference. No disappointment is necessary. Just do what is Here necessary to be done--bring out the change required. That is it.

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