What has been happening on me in all these months

"And every human being will face what they have allowed. Somewhere a line had to be drawn. There is no more beauty as projected by the mind. It’s only smoking mirrors and when these mirrors break a great silence will be upon all. Cause you’ll be stuck, just with yourself.

There is two ways to break the mirror. The one is where you deliberately break it so you can get to a point where you can actually see who the fuck you are. The other one is Death. Cause these mirrors are created through energy, through energy generation, through a mind system within the physical. Wonderful. You’ll break the mirror with self-honesty, self forgiveness and common sense. And making the tough decision as actual things you live out till the storm settles. Therefore you push yourself beyond your limitations, your accepted realities.

You have to be self-honesty because otherwise your irritation, your annoyance, your absolute inner conflict will rise and eventually it will spill over, you’ll take it out on other people around you. Then you must know I am in serious trouble. I am dishonest, I am not standing.

And you’ll notice a fascinating thing that you are fearful of making the change. You fear the unknown, you fear the future of what’ll happen to you if you do change. Fascinating fear. I mean, don’t you fucking decide? Why would you fear it? Just to make sure that you never decide. It’s rather stupid.

What would be the difference whether you actually change and actually have a say in changing your reality or you don’t change just by fearing what you might have to face. But you’re not satisfied with what you have, why would you hang on to it? What could be the reason or purpose? Fascinatingly enough the reason and purpose is self-interest. You believe that you have things you will lose if you have to change. Therefore you don’t change. Because you’ll settle for the minimum and you will settle for the conflict and the annoyance and the irritation and live in that dishonesty. Which disempowers you completely. "

FUCK! This is exactly what i have been doing in all these months!!! Self-disohnesty. Limitation. Constraint. Not pushing myself beyond the limitation that i have imposed onto myself!!! That is why the irritation, anger, frustration becoming more and more and more and i started to take it out onto other beings!!! Shit!

I stop the limitation that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become!

words/definitions/languages limitation

http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?t=10769&sid=5b31b753de10e215e1a39e8459e23557
"You cannot conceive the future. Within the context of what is now understood or within the language and definitions that now exist because the future will not be defined within the context or the words or the language that now exist. So therefore, it cannot be conceived. Because if you conceive it within the language that exist now, you’ll only repeat what is already here. "

This is also a point that i have realized. Our words/definitions/languages limits our understanding of what is possible. We can only think that which we know; we can only talk about that which is existing in our language. This is also why in order for the new to come, the words/defintions/languages will have to change too. New language brings in new insights and new possiblities that we have never even considered possible because we do not even have a word to describe it. The mind is limited within word defintions and language.

For example, the 'concept' that we are part of and one with the whole existence. My mind can not fathom this 'concept' because i had never used words in such a way-- it does not exist in my word/setencence structure/langugage. From my previous understanding, a part is only a part of the whole, a part can not be one with the whole; thus part of and one with was a contradictory expression and could not be understood/fathomed. This shows how we are limited by word definitions/languages -- we are limited by the words we have/use and the definition we give them to describe reality.

The future can not be fathomed because we do not have the words to describe it yet. Thus the language has to be developped to be in accordance with the unkown reality that is who we really are. Much change ahead.

What to do?

"Jan: How do you act every moment then?

Bernard: Self honestly looking at this world and what is supporting life equal and one or not. Within the constrains that currently exist – make the best of it. And change those that you can. And then push yourself to change that, that you can’t. Because it’s inevitably that you’re going to face it. Because you are only not able to change it because you believe you can’t. So you’re creating your own jail. Your limitation is always your own. You’ve imposed it, you’ve allowed it to exist, you’ve created it. That’s why within your children lies the future of yourself. You’ll have to assist them to transcend the limitations you’ve allowed within yourself so that you don’t recreate yourself as your children I mean, that’s like stupid. But we keep on doing it. "

尽全力而为之！！！

I am the terminator of the illusory self

I am the terminator of myself as an illusion/personality/mind consciounsness system. I deliberately terminate the illusory self for me to have 'room' to birth myself as LIFE as all as one as equal. When i am occupied by the illusions, who i really am Life is suppresed -- the room left for LIFE to grow is squezzed out. I terminate myself as an illusion. This is real self-care and self-responsibility. This is absolutely not self-cruelty. Holding onto self-interest and not willing to let go of the obssessed illusory self-image is real self-cruelty.

I AM THE TERMINATOR OF MYSELF AS ILLUSIONS FOR MYSELF AS LIFE AS WHO WE ALL REALLY ARE TO BE BIRTHED IN THE PHYSICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Self-care

Do i really care for myself as who i really am? If i am, i can not allow myself to continue self-dishonesty to abuse myself. Self-care means self-responsibility. I really care for myself, i will take full responsibility for myself and i will not allow myself to continue existing as self-dishonesty. Self-interest which is placed over what is best for all as one as equal as Life as who i really am as who we really are is self-dishonesty and self-abuse, leading to self's own destructiona and eternal death. When i see this, can i continue to allow myself to exist as such? Wouldn't that an indication that i actually did not care for who i really am? If i really care for myself, i would have done something to stop it!!!

Holding self-interest is not self-care at all. Holding onto self-interest is self-abdication -- the abdication of who i really am as Life as all as one as equal. Stopping self-interest does not mean that i do not care for myself -- rather it is really caring for self and taking absolute self-responsibility for myself as who i really am as Life as all as one as equal. Letting go of all the self-interest is real self-care with the understanding and standing of what is real self as Life as all as one as equal within absolute self-responsibility -- i take myself into full consideration -- i am doing this for myself as myself -- i am not doing this out of some perceived obligation or fear of judgement or wanting to become a good person or wanting to be admitted or admired or appreciated or devoting myself to an idea/value system that i have programmed/taught -- none of these! I am letting of all the self-interest because i see who i really am and i take full responsibility for who i really am. This is an action/proof that i really care for myself as who i really am without compromise!!!

The world is in reverse.

Measurement, evaluation, and assessment

There is measurement/evaluation/assessment of self-honesty/self-dishonesty which is done by self as Life as all as one as equal. Self-honesty and self-dishonesty is a fact, not a judgement, it is not a good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative polarity -- it is what it is.

Self decides self's furture according to whether self accept self as self-honesty or self-dishonesty. Only LIFE as all as one as equal will remain, all and everything else that is no who we really are has to be stopped -- all the abuses and atrocities in this world which is actually self-abuse. If i do not support a real solution that is best for all as Life as all as one as equal as who i reall am, that means i accept myself to become an illusion, thus i give permission to my non-existence, which is death. Thus death is not done onto me, it is me giving permission for me to my own death. Death is not punishment. Death is self-accepted consequence.

The future is at each's own hand according what each one accepts and allows themselves to be. There is no fucking God out there sitting on the royal chair judging who goes to heaven who goes to earth. Who we really are as Life as all as one as equal evaluates/assesses/measures who we accept and allow ourselves to be and become and then decides our own experience accordingly. This is not judgement, punishment/reward. No!

I stop myself as the self accepted and allowed definition as polarity construct as good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative. I stop myself as the self accepted and allowed opinion that what i experience is a punishment for what i have done -- consequences are for me to see what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, thus giving myself an opportunity to stop myself as that which i have accepted and alloweed which is not who i really am to birth myself as Life as all as one as equal.

cold shower as self-directive self-support

I took a cold shower tonight. I usually take warm/hot shower and wash my face and hands with warm water too, especially in winter -- it makes me comfortable.

Seeking comfort and avoiding/escaping from any discomfort is 'natural'. This is a reflection of me being directed by comfort, not allowing myself to move out of my comfort zone. I have created and desigend myself some comfort zones, which i in turn define as who i am. Within the comfort zones, i feel at home and secure, and when i move out of them i feel threatened and insecure and want to go back to that which i have defined as who i am. This is one method i use to protect my self-definition and allow myself to become a slave to the limitation that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. Within only seeking the comfort and avoiding/escaping from discomfort, i always exist as that which i have always existed as -- nothing new, old patterns repeating again and again and again.

Self-honesty makes me feel uncomfortable, at least in the beginning, because self-honesty requires me to see the ugliness/abuse/atrocities within self and within this world that I usually do not feel like seeing and which i usually deny/resist/judge/suppress; self-honesty requires me to direct myself to stop the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed and move out of the self-inflicted limitation as the prisonality. They are not that easy, especically when i am addicted to and identified with the prisonality that i defined as who i am and feel comfortable with. I can find all kinds of excuses and justifications as why i should keep holding onto this apparent 'comfort' as self-dishonesty and limitation -- "Why do i go into the discomfort so long as i can make myself 'comfortable'? Isn't it self-abuse to make myself 'uncomfortable'? Why do i abuse myself by doing something that makes me uncomfortable? I have the right to choose this 'comfort' that i am currently experiencing. I don't feel like challenging myself." What i did not see is that this definition of comfort is me being comfortable with myself as personality/limitation/self-dishonesty that i have identified myself with, and this apparent right/choice is but justification of acceptance of limitation and self-dishonesty which is real self-abuse.

Self directing self within self-honesty to break down the self-accepted/allowed limitation by moving through the discomfort/resistance in the beginning and embrace the true self as the unknown -- this is self-directiveness, self-will and is where real freedom and comfort exists. The application of freedom is self-directivenss within self-honesty, not self being directed by a separate point that has power over self. Within self-directiveness, real comfort as self reveals because self is the director of self both within and without, no longer a slave to a separate point -- self stands up and empowers/directs/moves self.

Back to cold shower. Observe myself within shower. I first used hot/warm water shower and become comfortable with it, i then have much resistance towards moving to cold water shower, moving out of the comfort that i am experiencing and into the discomfort. I ask myself where is self-direction? Am i able to direct myself? Am i a slave to the apparent comfort? It is not about deliberately making myself uncomfortable/miserable or abuse/torture myself, it is about whether i am able to direct/move myself, me proving to myself that i am not a slave to the comfort that i am experiencing. So i pushed through the resistance. I prove to myself that i am not a slave. I prove to myself that i am able to direct myself even against my own 'natural instinct' of holding onto comfort. Self-directiveness is real comfort and application of freedom -- self-proving to self that self is not a slave.

Taking the cold shower is me directing myself as self-assitance and self-support to prove to myself that i am able to direct myself and that i am not a slave to myself as a mind consciousness system consisting of thoughts/images/pictures/emotions/feelings/energies/perceptions/ideas/beliefs/constructs/systems/patterns/behaviors/personality.

Here

I am here as breath as attention as presence as awareness.

Here means remaining breath, being aware of each and every single breath. My attention is totally entirely Here as this moment as what i am doing. I am present in the moment. I am aware as the moment.

I am here. I remain as breath. I am breath. I am aware of me as breath. My attention is here. My presence is here.

Not being here is being up in the mind alternate reality -- projected out there. Doing something while thinking in the mind -- being somewhere out there. It is weird. I am physically here. Why do i need to be somewhere else? Why not be here. Where is my presence?

Why does death maifest? Death is the absence of self -- self not being present Here. Thus death is the manifestation of absence of self as Here as presence as awareness as breath as attention.

Give total attention to whatever i do Here in every moment as every breath. Whever i find myself not being Here as attention as presence as awareness as breath, i bring myself back here. No need to judge self. No need to panic. Simply bring self Here as breath as awareness as presence as attention.

Stop drifting into the mind alternate reality. Stop being leashed by thoughts/pictures/images/dramas. Stop playing movies/pictures/iamges/scenes up there somewhere. Be Here. Remain Here. I am Here. I am breath. I am attention. I am presence. I am awareness. I am nowhere else. Here is me. I am Here.

Free will/Free choice as the polar opposite of Enslavement/Control

http://www.messagefrommasters.com/Life_of_Masters/Jiddu/Krishnamurti-Sex.htm

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Jiddu Krishnamurti on Sex

Question: Why does sex play such an important part in each one's life in the world? Jiddu Krishnamurti - There is a particular philosophy, especially in India, called Tantra, part of which encourages sex. They say through sex you reach Nirvana. It is encouraged, so that you go beyond it - and you never do. Jiddu Krishnamurti - Why has sex become so important in our life? It has been so, not only in the present period, but always. Why has sex been so deeply embedded in man? - apart from producing children, I am not talking of that. Why? Probably it is the greatest pleasure a human being has. Demanding that pleasure, all kinds of complications arise; volumes have been written with explanations of the psychological complications. But the authors have never asked the question as to why human beings have made this thing so extremely important in their lives. Our life is in a turmoil, it is a constant struggle, with nothing original, nothing creative - I am using the word `creative' very carefully. The painter, the architect, the wood-carver, he may say he is creative. The woman who bakes bread in the kitchen is said to be creative. And sex, they say, is also creative. So what is it to be creative? The painters, the musicians and the Indian singers with their devotion, say that theirs is the act of creation. Is it? You have accepted Picasso as a great painter, a great creator, putting one nose on three faces, or whatever he does. I am not denying it or being derogatory, I am just pointing it out. That is what is called creation.

But is all that creativeness? Or is creativeness something totally different? You are seeing the expression of creativeness in a painting, in a poem, in prose, a in a statue, in music. It is expressed according to a man's talent, his capacity great or small; it may be modern Rock or Bach - I am sorry to compare the two! - they are quite incomparable.

We human beings have accepted all that as creative because it brings fame, money, position. But I am asking: is that creativity? Can there be creation, in the most profound sense of that word, so long as there is egotism, so long as there is the demand for success, money and recognition - supplying the market? Do not agree with me please. I am just pointing out. I am not saying I know creativity and you do not; I am not saying that.

I am saying we never question these things. I say there is a state where there is creation in which there is no shadow of self. That is real creation; it does not need expression, it does not need self-fulfilment; it is creation. Perhaps sex is felt to be creative and has become important because everything around us is circumscribed, the job, the office, going to the church, following some philosopher, some guru. All that has deprived us of freedom and, further, we are not free from our own knowledge; it is always with us, the past. So we are deprived of freedom outwardly and inwardly; for generation upon generation we have been told what to do. And the reaction to that is: I'll do what I want, which is also limited, based on pleasure, on desire, on capacity. So where there is no freedom, either outwardly or inwardly, specially inwardly, we have only one thing left and that is called sex. Why do we give it importance? Do you give equal importance to being free from fear? No. Do you give equal energy, vitality and thought to end sorrow? No. Why? Why only to sex?

Because that is the easiest thing to hand; the other demands all your energy, which can only come when you are free. So naturally human beings throughout the world have given this thing tremendous importance in life. And when you give something, which is only one part of life, tremendous importance, you are destroying yourself. Life is whole, not just one part.
If you give importance to the whole then sex becomes more or less unimportant. The monks and all those who have denied sex have turned their energy to god but the thing is boiling in them, nature cannot be suppressed. But when you give that thing all-importance, then you are corrupt.

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From these words, i discovered a point of my reluctance to give up free will/free choice. My holding onto free will/free choice is actually fear of enslavement/control. When i was a child, i felt that i have been deprived of freedom -- i regard my father as a dictator forcing me to do what he wants me to do and i identified myself as a powerless/helpless slave. I wanted to fight the situation but i did not make a difference because of the finanical dependency and physicality. Thus, i desired so much for freedom, always fighting for freedom -- i do not want to and fear to experience that enslavement and control. Thus, i went into the polar opposite of enslavement/control as free will/free choice -- i will do whatever i want to do; nobody has the right to do what (s)he wants me to do, perceiving/believing i am free in such a way; not allowing myself to realize that this apparent free will/free choice is also of limitation, controled/enslaved through desire and enlightened self-interest. So free will/free choice is the polar opposite of enslavement/control used to escape from/fight with the obvious enslvaement/control, which yet in fact is also enslavement/control.

I have formed such a perception/idea/belief that by giving up free will/free choice i will have no alternative but to go back again to the experience of enslavement/control -- being forced to do what i am told to do. This i definitely do not want to experience again; so i as a MCS will do whatever it takes to fight with it and protect/hold onto free will/free choice which i believed to be my definition of freedom.

What i did not understand is that application of freedom equals application of self-directiveness; real freedom = self-directiveness. Without self-directiveness, i am controled/enslaved. Accepting and allowing enslavement/control of me being forced to do what i am told to do is of course not self-directiveness and thus enslavement/control; but free will/free choice merely counteracting/fighting enslavement/control is also not self-directiveness, but self being directived by fear of enslavement/control and desire to stand as the opposite of and fight with what is presented as enslavement/control, thus lack of self-directiveness = enslavement/control.

It is to release my defintion of apparent enslavement/control and free will/free choice.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define enslavement/control as having no choice and thus in turn define freedom as having choices.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the application of freedom as the application of self-directiveness is not dependent on the situation that i am in -- no matter where i am with whom i am in what situation i am in, i can apply freedom = i can apply self-directiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that freedom can only be applied in a certain situation -- that which is not 'harsh' or 'bad'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself a powerless/helpless slave to my father, perceiving/believing that i can do nothing in such a situation instead of realizing that i did not understand at that time what i can do to direct the situation and that i have the power to direct that situation; i just did not know/realize my own power as self-directiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father and the situation for my experience of enslavement and contro; and vitimize myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to vitimize myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my self-definition as a victim and not allowing myself to take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am no longer that weak/powerless/helpless child, not being able to stand equal and one as the situation of abuse and direct the situation to stop the abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form such a perception/idea/belief that i should not interfere my parents' relationship because i have formed such a perception/idea/belief that that is their business and that i have no right to interfere to stop the abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to judge myself, accuse myself, and punish myself as a child for me not standing equal and one as that situation and direct, instead of realizing that i did not know how to direct that situation at that time and it is ridiculous to require me to do that without me having a clue of what to do -- i can only do what i can based on my understanding at that moment -- all evaluations must take into consideration who i am at that moment, not who i should be based on my later understanding.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the stupidity and ridiculousness of evaluating my action based on who i am at this moment, not taking into consideration who i am at the moment the decision is made and the action taken.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to take myself into consideration -- who i am in what i do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to what i did, not taking into consideration who i am.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my past definition.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge/accuse/punish myself according to what i did in the past, instead of realizing that judgement/accusation/punishement/abuse/torture can do nothing but make things worse.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that what i 'desired' is not free will/free choice but self-directiveness.

I forigve myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to confuse self-directiveness with free will/free choice.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing self-directiveness instead of realizing that self directiveness is who i am and can not be lost -- i am here; i direct; i am self-directiveness within the consideration of what is best for all.

Application of real freedom equals to applicaton of self-directiveness within the consideration of what is best for all as Life as all as one as equal no matter where i am with whom i am what situation i am in.

I stop abdication of self-directiveness. I stop enslavement/control which is abdication of self-directiveness. I stop being diercted by a situation. I stop being a slave to anything/anyone/any situation in this reality. I stop the fear of enlavement/cotrol. I stop fear being controled/enslaved. I stop reaction towards fear of being controlled/enslaved. I stop defining myself as a powerless/helpless slave and victim. I apply self-directiveness within the consideration of what is best for all. I am here as breath. I direct. I am direction. I am self-directiveness. I am application of freedom as self-directiveness within the consideration of what is best for all.

Stop fearing my mind; Cooperate with me as my mind

What i have discovered today is that i am actually existing in fear of my mind -- fearing the reactions and threatening from my mind. This pattern i have developed for quite a while -- almost a year. After i met desteni, i understood/realized more about the mind consciousness system, including the thoughts/pictures/images/emotions/feelings. But i then reacted within fear -- fear of myself as my mind, and i have been looping since then. Then resistances towards participating in this world is immense -- fear of the system = fear of myself as the system. Then a couple of weaks ago, this fear became more manifested. I made an equal money/equal labor system video on youtube and had quite a discussion with a being called Jeff on the video commnet. This Jeff person, as i see now, is the reflection of me as a mind consciousness system. He reacted furiously finally, out of fear, claiming to squash us (desteni) like a bug. I reacted within fear -- fealing scared and threatened by Jeff's words, fearing to be killed by him and regarding him to be more powerful than me, and accpeted myself to be inferior. Within this acceptance of fear from Jeff, i accepted and allowed myself to be inferior to myself as the mind consciousness system -- fearing to be attacked/threatend/killed/murdered/abused/tortured by myself as the MCS. But the truth is that i made a statement to kill/slaughter/remove myself as a mind consciousness system personality definition days ago, and me as a mind consciousness system reacted within fear to present itself to be more powerful than what it actually really is -- presenting itself to be able to threaten/kill/murder/abuse/torture me as Life -- while it's a total bluff. But i gave into this point of bluff from myself as a MCS, and believed that me as a MCS has the power to do so -- within this acceptance the bluff worked. So it is me giving myself as a MCS power to direct/manipulate/control/threaten me. I then developed a series of reactive behaviors within my mind which i feared through my own acceptance and allowance. The major points that i gave into fear to myself as a MCS is fear of thoughts/pictures/images/reactive behaviors -- all these points merely exist within my mind, yet i have given my power away to them to such an extent that they are able to direct me physically through my fear -- really weird and bizarre -- me physically being directed by illusions within me through acceptance and allowance of fear. Within this fear of thoughts/pictures/images/reactive behaviors within my mind, i tried to appease my mind, not to challenge my mind, not to exist in conflict with my mind, to be nice to my mind, to live peacefully with the 'beast' so to speak, giving permission to me as my mind to continue abuse me -- self-abuse. This pattern has manifested in my world as me fearing reactions from other beings in my world and fearing to challenge other beings' self-dishonesties, but want to avoid all possible conflicts including giving permission to other beings' self-dishonesty -- which is exactly a reflection of what i am accepting within myself. The outer reality reflects the inner reality, vice versa = the outer reality is equal and one to the inner reality. What i accept and allow within other beings, i accept and allow within myself. The world is a reflection of me = the world is me reflecting to me what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. One example is that i have been postponeing to direct one of my roomates to clear up the mess he created in the kitchen because i fear that i may hurt his feeling. I pushed through this fear and directed the being to clear up this mess. Then i realized what i am actually fearing is not fear of hurting the being's feeling but fear of reaction from this being -- a projection of my own fear of reaction from my mind. My roomate is reflecting what i am accepting and allowing within me. Now that i have seen/recoginized this point of me fearing the bluff of me as a MCS, the bluff will no longer work. Till here no further! I stop myself as a MCS no matter what!

Me as a MCS is a interesting design. It uses everything that it can use to test me to the ultimate specificity of the truth of me -- will i fall for the hook or am i able to recognize who i really am? What is the fabric that i am made of? My mind is not my enemy, it is me reflecting to me what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and testing the true nature of me. My mind is not a separate entity. It is me assisting and supporting me to realize who i have accepted and allowed myself to be and who i really am. So, cooperate with myself as my mind and see what my thoughts/images/pictures/emotions/feelings/reactive behaviors/patterns etc are showing me, always ready to see and correct myself. No need to fight and fear of myself as mind. No need to judge/resist/deny what i experience. Cooperate and always ready to see and change!

I stop separation from myself as my mind. I stop regarding my mind as my enemy. I stop fighting and fearing myself as my mind. I stand one and equal with myself as Here as my mind. I stop fearing and reacting to thoughts/pictures/images/emotions/feelings within my mind. I stop reactions/judgements/denials/resistances. I am Here as all and everything that is Here as me and walk within self-honesty with the consideration of what is best for all in every moment as every breath.

Action of gratefulness

The action of gratefulness is to Live who i really am as Life as all as one as equal to stop the thoughts/pictures/images/emotions/feelings within me in every moment as every breath to birth Life in the physical.