Monday, March 1, 2010

random writing

Today is a day of openning up and communication. It is kind of weird i do not quite remember this morning. What did i do? Yeah, last night i was catching up with a lab report -- a pattern that i have existed as for quite a while -- procrastinating until the last moment and until it is late. I feel defeated about this -- this is what i am experiencing. I say i have tried to beat this pattern but there is always that "but" -- that doubt, that uncertainty, that fear coming up -- fearing that i may fuck up again, fearing that i may be trapped again, fearing that i may not be able to transcend this point, fearing this fearing that, not trusting self, not here when these thougts come up into my mind. Those thoughts are reflecting what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become -- a refleciton of my accepted nature. It is a pattern that i have trained my mind and i have allowed myself to believe to be who i am -- me giving my power away to my mind and me abdicating self-directiveness and self-empowerment -- the pattern is a form of mind possession -- get possessed by a pattern -- the pattern having power over me-- i feel powerless/helpless, feel that i am not able to make a difference, feel that i am inferior to the pattern, feel that the pattern is happening to me, feel 'Oh, shit. Oh, shit' -- feel shitty unconsciouslly about myself -- isn't it weird how i have allowed myself to design myself as such a self-image as being shitty. Any form off self-image is illusion. Self needs no specific self-image to be able to live. Haha. Just write. No need to be worried about what i am writing. It is just writing, i do not need to worrry whether what i am writing is 'logical' or 'making sense'. When i try to construct my words, my expression gets stuck. Now i found a point -- judgement of 'bad' grammar -- i get annoyed when i find people using apparently 'bad' grammar and i judge people as being uneducated -- it is actually self-judgement -- me fearing other people judging me as being uneducated because i have judged other people as being uneducated. Flow of self-expression. just the flow of words at the mooment. just go. just go. just oggo lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll haha. why the fuck do i get swo worried about grammar? why the fuck doi imprison myself with so many limitations. dout. a point. when i approach something that i have never done before or something that i have ever touched years ago, i would experience uncertainty and doubt within me -- whether i am able to get it, whether i am able to understand it, whether i am able to get it done effectively. also i start to feel that i am like an idiot seeing people communicating with each other talking about something with ease while i feel that i do not understand a thing of what they are talking about. so i would run away and be 'alone' so that i do not experience that kind of feeling of embarrassment -- yes, embarrassment, that is what i was experiencing in that moment -- you know what, it is kind of weird, because i suppress myself in that moment, i do not allow myself to see what i was experiencing in that moment, i do not want to be intimate with myself to have a look what i was really experiencing Why? How have i defined myself as such a pattern? There is also another pattern off wanting to make things right -- to go back to the past to make things appear to be right -- while what is actually happening is that i can not change my past i t has alreayd been done -- all i have is Here in this moment the current moment Here that is the only place that ihave my power -- enven though i go back and make things appear to be OK the actual truth is that it is not -- that is n illusion it is a cuoverup it is covering that fragments of pieces and crackes under those appear illusory integrity -- i am want ing to make things appear to be OK appear to be complete appear to be integrate appear to be hole appear tobbe perfect -- it is IN FACT not. So what is this? illusion. self-deception. the decpetion of self being apparently good/right/self0honest while the hidden truth is absolute separation, turnmoil, limitationk constriction, abuse -- it is a polarity manifestationt that i present outward so that i can what is going on within me. It is not real. The illusrory image that i present outwardsly it is something that i use to hide -- a mask that i put on -- an escuse that i use so that i can continue to exist in this inner conflicts. Why? Isn't is this weirrd weird ? why doi continue to exist in such experiences that i d o not actually enjoy? Whyd o i still hold onto such experiences? Why do i not change? Why? It does not make sense. Why am i so stupid to hold onto something that is not really assisting and supporting me? Why am i doing this to my self? Why i am abusing myself? Why? What am i really experiencing? I want to hide -- to hide from what iam actually experiencing -- to separeate myelf separate myself form from from separate experinencing experiencing -- to separate myself form what i am actually experiencing so that i hdo not hae too have a llok at look at have a llookk look at what i am actualllyl experiencing within me -- so that i a do not hae to open up and being intimate with myself -- so that i d o not have to face myself -- so that i can continue to hide -- so that i can continue to be what i have alawys accepted and allowed msyefl to myself to be and become3 become -- why wouldi do hat? why would i be reluctant to see myself? what is the point? what is it that i am wanting to protectt? what is it that i am holding onto? why would i inveest in something that is abusing myself in fact? why do i want to escape form myselff? selff? self? from? forom?from? self? what is it that iam experiencing ? really? what is it/ what is it ? who i am? what i am? why? how? when? where? i felt crappy at the moment for what i have written -- but just a moment and then i really see that i t is my thoughts and my mind wanting to interfere. it is really cool to just wiwrite write wirte writte write what i am expeiriecning -- what i am experiencing. i have a ttendency tendency to make it right i want to repeat it so that i can correct it -- but is it the most effective way to go? i can see form the words that ia i am writting that i have teh pattern of controolling - managing myselff and my words so that i hcan continue to hide the trutht mof myse me myself. it is scattered. it is in pieces. i t i s not cohere. it is missing pieces. but i wan tto make it appear that i everything is OK is perfect so that i do hnot hae to deal with myself. deal with the truth of me.. the trutht that is underlyign everythig that i am trying to manipulate to present myself as a difffernt selfimage. Illusion. not real. why can't i rjust relax? wahy do i have to onbe on guard onall the time? whyd o i have to be on guard all the time? why do i have to protect defend myself ? why do i have to seclude myself from other beings? isn't that a reflection of me secluding myself fom myself? what is it that i am not getting? what doi need to get? what ido i want to get? why iam i not chagning ? why am i not changing? why am i not learning form the past? why am i still continuing the past pattern that i have designed msyelf to be and become? why do i still want to conitnue that pattern? so do i really want that? no. then why do i still hold myself hback? why am i stil not still not allowing myself to change? what is hindering the expression of who i really to come through? what is holding me to believe in the belief that i can not make a difffrence? difference? what is it that i am holding emeit is what is that iam using to hold mself back? what is it that ia am not alllowing myself to doubt? why i am uncertain aoubt myself? why am i uncertain about of msyelf? aobut about ? why what do i do ? why do i fear myself? why do i fear to see the truth of me? why do i fear what iam eperiencing? what is it ? i felt panic when i see that who i am is all scattered around. scattered all around. there is a mechanism that i will just fear to see what /who/how i have existing but twant to mannage manage a certain way to present mself that i can use to hide to continue to hide not allowing myself to experience who i really am as self-expression and enjoy myself sa the self-expression. i am experiecning experiencing the uncertainty doubt . i am experiencing abuseing myself waniting to punihs myesel. self-defeat. once then self0defeat. i give it a try but before i give the try i have already doubetted myselff in the start and within this i have already cokind of prepared the way of 'faillure' and i just prove to myself that i have believed myself to be -- a fiailure. failure? when do i start to believe that iam a failure? why would i belivve myself t be a failure? why am i missing constantly and continuesly getting this feeling of failure? Self-defeatr. it is realy not my thing. when do i start t oexperience myself as a fiailure.? failure? i-- the experience of me fearing taht imayfuck up again i amy screw up again. not being certain aoubt mysefl not ttrusting myself not trusiting who i reallly ma you see the worlds. they are the reflection of me. the truth of me - what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and bbeocme.; at the currrent moment i have a twitttwichiing in the pinky of my feet -- what is this showing me? i guess that i t is a triggered by a thought or thoughts. a poinjt of control opcomes upl . control? i am wnating to control myselff myselff myselff myselff myselff myselff fffffff myselff it is really weirrd that when i tye the word myselff that are two f's there. i have sdeen this pattern a while. what is this showing me? what is the symbolic representation of the letter f? what doe life mean? it is interesting because i wanted to type what does the letter f mean but i typed out life/ Yes. ef, life sounds similar. why do i have to make verything appear to be right and perfect? that is an lillusion that i am using to hid e the truth of me. i also noticed a very weird hthing -- whne i publish something on my bolog the epression. expression. this word .when i type this wor d i my bolg it appears within myselff somehitng something after it like w wiggle. i forggive myself thati have acceped and allowe d myself to fear that i may havdestory myself. by so many words reersed. the cursor is also assisting and supporting ime in understanding that ia m going bakc to that which is my past and go there out there in the past. it is a lloop. from here going to the past and there -- acycle. i am experiencing a kiind off dispondency within me. feel that there are so many point that i am woring with to current myself. the aords are in reverse. is it the mind in reverse? i said oh shit iwthin myse mind when i saw that the words that i hav just typedd are arranged in such a disoredered way. and i wanted to abuse myself and punish myeslf for hat i have done. for what i have already done as the consequenctial out folwo consequential outfolow outflow of thawt what i have alrready alreayd already accepted and allowed within me. some points to consider. is it useful to go back to my past and try to ? why am i doubiting myself to go bakc to my past? i am not living in my past. i deal with the past that is currently stiill infleucnign me . Yes, currenttly -- it is llike a current that is perpetuating me from the past into the future whihc is past related -- nothing new. i forgive myself hthat i hae accepted and allwoed myself o imagine wihtin myself abusing myself and i wanted to usppress that immediately . why do i not allow myself to see what i am really experiencig within that? what i am writing seems to be something that is encoded into a form of language that is similar to english but not exaxdtly. ths point of self-correction. what if what i seem to be correcting is becoming more and more and more. My lfest hand is trying to retract iself from the typing-- it is ian indication of me wanting to retract from my self-expression -- my self-expression going awasy from Here -- it is a form of supression -- not wanting to participate -- going bakc to the background -- not wanting to come through -- i have been suppressing this for a long time.

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