Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Name

Self-forgiveness on my name

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare my name with other being's names and feel that i am special because i perceive myself to have a better name, instead of assisting and supporting myself to live my name as 'No Fear' and 'the Way of LIFE' from the starting point of self-honesty rather than from the starting point of feelings, comparisons and competitions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself because i did not live my name, instead i have allowed myself to be controled/enslaved by fear and did not live as the Way of LIFE as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i don't deserve my name as 'No Fear' and 'the Way of LIFE' because i do not see myself as equal to my name, which indicates the extent of self-dishonesty i have accepted and allowed - separation from words as who i am.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my name, feeling less than my name and regarding my name to be more than me, instead of standing equal and one with and as my name in practical physical application of living words as 'No Fear' and 'the Way of LIFE' as who i really am.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have disregarded the support from my name because i have perceived that my name is a total fucked-up system design and that if i live my name i will be controlled and fucked by the system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be controlled and fucked by my name and by the system, instead of realizing that i was not even standing equal to my name as 'No Fear' and 'the Way of LIFE'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in separation of my name - merely existing in knowledge/understanding without actual physical consistent self-application to live words as who i am.

My experience with my name is an exact reflection of what i am experiencing in my process - knowledge without consistent practical application - although i am starting to learn the practical application 'part' which is my weakness throughout my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself tofeel that my name is so wonderful/beautiful as the positive emotional charge within separation from words as my name, believing that since i have such a wonderful name then i am already living my name automatically instead of living words step by step/breath by breath to substantiate myself as words.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the Way of LIFE as some wonderful experience out there instead of realizing that it is self-delusion - the Way of LIFE as Self-Honesty is not some beautiful/wonderful/profound energetic experience as imagination and expectation in my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project the WAY of LIFE out there, clearly indicating that i was not living the Way of LIFE HERE as myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be special which is in direct contradiction with the Way of LIFE as Equality, which indicates how i am living in separation from my words.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind my name - meaning not living my name as self-assistance and self-support but living in contradiction with my name and believe that i am living my name.

Let me have a closer look at the system design of my Chinese name '吴畏' (meaning 'No Fear') with regards to what i can relate to my life. My last name '吴' (having the same pronunciation as '无' which means 'no/nothing') consists of two parts -- '口' (meaning 'mouth') and '天' (meaning 'sky'). I have heard my father interpreting this word literally as 'trying to swallow the sky in one mouth' - the more relavant explanation that i can relate to my process is 'aiming to solve everything in one moment'. Interestingly enough, now i remember that in the beginning when i got involved with Desteni, i formed this idea that i have realized myself as who i really am as LIFE and that i have transceded everything in one moment, and the idea that i do not have to deal with all my past that i have already created because apparently i have realized myself. Also it relates to my tendency of rush and jump to take the greatest scale of existence (the whole existence) before i actually take responsibility for what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become on the personal scale and my direct environment.

My first name '畏' (meanig 'fear') also consists of two parts -- '田'(meaning farmland) and the lower part which is not an independent character but i can relate it to the lower part of '衣' (meaning 'cloth') . This way of understanding these words may not agree with the origin of them but is what i can directly relate to. So for my first name '畏' i have three points that i can relate to this word - 'fear, farmland and cloth'. The point of 'fear' which is how i am currently experiencing myself to exist as where i hold myself back out of fear, not allowing myself to live and express fully who i am. As for 'farmland and cloth' i can relate it to the point of practical living - which is something that i rarely considered/lived through my life - i point that i am 'missing'. My life was mainly focused on my pursuit of 'the nature of the world and the meaning of Life' through science within my participation in the education system. I was almost completely taken care of before i went into college so i did not need to consider the point of practical living but only focus on study in the education system. Even in my undergraduate study at the college in China, i was still financially dependent on my parents and were taken care of to a large extent. So I did not develop effectively my skill of practical common sensical living and my communication skill - they are not a major part of my life. Two years ago i came to US to study with financial support from the university with the requirement of me working as a teaching assistnat or a research assistant (so i am financially independent from my parents), i faced these points of practically taking care of myself and communication with people, which i found myself to be very ineffective - i am still facing these points currently.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am able to transended everything in one moment and then it is done instead of realizing that it is a PROCESS to deprogram what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and birth myself as LIFE and that it is not going to happen overnight.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to handle everything at the same time and feel frustrated when i was not able to do it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this perception that i am self-dishonest if i am not handling everything at the same time because there are many points that i see require self-forgiveness yet i can not handle all of them at the same time.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive self-forgiveness to be a burden because the more i apply self-forgiveness the more self-forgiveness i am going to do and within this creating resistance towards applying self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed with all that i am facing and dealing with and feel that i can not handle - existing in powerlessness, helplessness, suffocation and desperation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i am a slave within writing self-forgiveness because there seem to be no end of it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect an ending signal of what i am doing and that if there is no such a signal i will do it forever within which i really feel stressed and desperate.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to set up an impossible goal and force myself to achieve it and feel defeated if i did not achieve what i set up for.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i have completely fucked up because i did not achieve what i intended to do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have destroyed my self-trust through such experiences of not being able to live what i planned to do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define self-trust as being able to achieve whatever goal i set up for, instead of realizing that self-trust is here in every moment as who i am.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to retract myself within facing the 'impossible' mountain.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to rush ahead.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to slow down and apply/live slowing down.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i am such a fuck-up and loser because i did not complete what i intended to.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-defeat and feel that i have fucked up eternally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the bullshits within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the voices in my mind and give permission for my mind to mislead me. Fuck the misleading thoughts.
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I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word fuck and fear to say the word fuck.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that if i say fuck something then i am spiteful.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have this picture of throwing a child onto the ground and trample it with violence - this picture as a habitual picture right now being triggered by the words fuck and spiteful.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear such a picture when it came up into my mind and I immediately suppressed it and wanted to escape from it.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the picture is reflection as what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as spitefulness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give permission for child abuse to exist within me and exist within this world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to close my eyes within facing the atrocities in this world so that i can continue to pretend that i am blind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have this voice going within my mind 'I have a right to do so. I have been traumatized by watching the atrocities in this world'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become an abuser through giving permission for the continuation of my deliberate ignorance with what i have accepted and allowed as the atrocitiest that exist within me and this world as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play out within my mind the pictures of atrocities i have given permission to be done onto children - which is done onto myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i do not accept and allow emotional reactions within seeing the atrocities in this world then they are acceptable - instead of realizing that emotional reactions are not real and are actually fueling the very atrocities that exist in this world through my participation in my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to determine what is acceptable and what is not acceptable based on emotional reactions instead of realizing that the only valid measure of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable is based on the principle of what is best for all -- principled living instead of experienced living.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form this perception/idea/belief that 'having no reactions towards the atrocities in this world' is to watch the atrocities to continue and being OK with it without doing anything to stop the atrocities within me and within this world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have defined compassion as a feeling and thus do not allow myself to have any compassion - within this i have destroyed myself and turned myself into a self-fish cruel fucking asshole.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to have compassion because i have destroyed myself as compassion completely.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i have already been dead as a dornail within me and that i do not have compassion or care and that i do not have the ability to have compassion or care.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have trapped myself into the interpretation/perception/idea/belief that desteni does not allow compassion or care because they are of feelings. I know i fucked myself up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the words in desteni video 'it is OK to care for someone' because i feel that it is insulting to have someone else tell me that it is OK to care.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have done what Desteni has told me to do - to not care, and then being told to care - i feel that i have been fooled.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have turned Desteni into a religion instead of trusting myself to do common sensical evaluation.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have trapped myself by my own assumption/interpretation/perception/idea/belief and thus i am responsible.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to scream within my mind 'I am not responsible!'. I stop whining. I stop blaming. I stop manipulating.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-sabotage, wanting to destroy myself because i perceive that i have already destroyed myself completely.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards other beings with the intention of them falling/fucking up which is actually spitefulness towards myself -- self-spitefulness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be completely honest with me for what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become - giving permission for fear to control me instead of me directing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be completely honest to myself to see the complete construct as what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have formed this habitual reactive thought pattern of spitefulness which reflects the spitefulness towards myself and the self-sabotage that i have experienced.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people judge me if i dare to speak out the thought that i participated within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to protect the thought within my mind through defining myself according to the thought which i judge and suppress and want to protect from being known by other people.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to expose the thought within my mind that i participated towards other beings - instead of realizing that i was protecting my secret mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in the thought of wanting to see Kasper fall, when i perceive that i have already fucked up/destroyed myself and seeing him progressing and getting jealous.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of 'deserved' when i see beings existing in sufferings - and then immediately go into self-judgment and self-suppression for having such a thought within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress thoughts instead of facing them and work with them to see what i have accepted and allowed myself to be - so that i can stop the continuation of such self-definitions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having such thoughts within me and believe that if i let other people know such thoughts existing within my mind i will be judged instead of realizing that it is self-judgment and that self-judgment is self-dishonesty because it contributes to suppression and locks me up into my self-definition as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to reveal how fucked i am.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to preserve a presentation of me being that is apparently more than who i actually am.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must first clean up the area and make sure that other people do not judge me so that i can be frank with revealing what i have accepted and allowed myself to be instead of being immediate with exposing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to the words of exposing myself immediately, my mind feeling threatened.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe fear to be real instead of realizing that fear what my mind uses to keep me enslaved - if i give into fear i am only giving permission for self-enslavement.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use self-sabotage as a means of revenge.

I know I fucked myself up. Now i pick myself up.----------I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear and define myself as fear which is in direct contradiction with my name 'No Fear' - instead of using my name as self-assistance and self-support to no longer live in fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold me back and exist in self-limitation out of fear instead of seeing the siliness of this.

How the fuck have i totally invalidated my name of 'No Fear' and have got lost in fear?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself for not living my name as 'No Fear'. I stop the shame. And live my name in the living application.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that fear sucks and that it sucks even more when i give into fear.

Whenever i go into fear, i breathe, stop, remind me of my name 'No Fear', realize that fear is not real, and push through fear to see who i really am.------I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not being to take care of myself practically with effectiveness.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to learn to take care of myself effectively but always trying to seek an easy way out instead of expanding myself within self-assistance and self-support.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this self-definition that i can not be effective with taking care of myself within practical living

I forgive myself that i have accetped and allowed myself to blame my parents for not giving me opportunity to develop my practical living skill and communication skill.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my self-definition instead of breaking the limitation of self-definition and expand myself and recreate myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify within my mind saying 'I can not. it is a choice' this kind of bullshit.

I am able to assist and support me to break self-limitations. I stop justification of self-limitation.

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