self-forgiveness on feeling that i have been left behind

The pattern of feeling that i have been left behind.

Why do i have to struggle? Why am i struggling? Why??? What am i doing to myself? What am i experiencing? Why am i experiencing this? Why do i refuse to see what the hell i am doing to myself? Why does life have to become struggle? Why do i have to make my life a struggle?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to handle more than one point at the same time -- when something is Here for me to deal with, i immediately think about something else that i have not yet done, and thus when i am dealing with what is at hand i am not completely Here but veering into my mind thinking about that what i am going to do with that i have not yet done and this results in ineffectiveness of getting what is Here done effectively within breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel scattered with the work that i am to do -- wanting to do more than what i can handle in every moment, instead of realizing the common sense that no matter how much work i am to do i can only do one thing a time and that the most effective way to get things done is to do one thing at one time and get it done and then move onto the next.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to jump between points -- thinking one point that i want to deal with and then in the middle i jump to another point that popped up into my mind and then i follow that which popped up into my mind and forgot that which revealed first -- jumping among points, not being effecitve in getting each point cleared up effectively.

Till here no further! I accept and allow myself to deal with one point at one breath and get it done and then move on to the next point.

I accept and allow myself to deal with the priority point that is Here and then move on to the next.

I do not allow myself to get scattered around, jumping among things and getting flustered and overwhelmed because i am trying to manage all the points at the same time while not being effective in either point.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to do more than what i can handle effectively in every moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to catch up because i feel that i have been left behind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious that i have been left behind and that there are so much work that i need to do in order for me to catch up.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get things all done in one moment so that i can catch up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i may get left behind.

I forgive myself that i have accetped and allowed myself to do things within the pressure of catching up instead of being here directing myself and the situation to get it done effectively.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated that i have been left behind because i felt that there is no way i am going to catch up -- the amount of work is too much.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that the amount of work is too much for me to catch up and within this i have already given up before i even give myself an opportunity to actually take action.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up/quit because i believe that the amount of work is too much and that i am not to catch up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to such a thought to control me/direct me instead of me directing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and alloweed myself to define myself as this pattern of self-defeat because i believed that the amount of work to do is beyong my capability.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated/overwhelmed/flooded with that what i am requried to do and within this i have already given into such an experience and give up from the start.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up from the start even before i give myself an opportunity.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the starting point of self-defeat is only going to manifest self-defeat, proving myself to myself what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am living a self-fulfilled prophecy -- believing that i am not able to do it and than my actions are all based on this starting point and i actually create my experience as incapability.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live out my self-definition as self-defeat.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as self-defeat.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as self-defeat.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see within self-honesty that i am creating myself as this experience and that i am doing it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the thought "I am not able to do it" to settle in and become my accepted nature.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i will fail anyway and that it is useless even to start.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am creating/manifesting myself as a "failure" which i have accepted as my self-image from the start.

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed to fear to get started because i believe that i am not able to do it instead of realizing that if i give into such a pattern i am only manifesting myself as my accepted nature "failure".

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fail and believe that i will fail -- what the fuck?!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed self-distrust to such an extent that i immediately give up in the beginning -- not even giving myself an opportunity to start.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed to want to suceed and fear to fail -- the same point manifested as polarity -- wanting to win is also fearing to loose.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the polarity of success/failure and winning/losing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and alllowed myself to form an idea of success/failure and winning/losing.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see that both wanting to win and fearing to lose is the same point of fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that i do not have to desire to win i will lose instead ofrealizing that the desire to win is just another way of fearing to lose.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate the common sense that i used to develop.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the desire of wanting to get something done is preventing me from getting it done effectively.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to say -- that is bullshit-- in my mind -- resistance towards common sense.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate the common sense that i have realized, not allowing myself to live completely as the point of self-realization.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see the common sense that -- the desire to win is also self-distrust -- if i trust myself, i do not need desire to win -- because i know it is impossible for me to fail.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that failure is an idea that i have created within my mind and believed it to be real.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure which is, of course, based on the idea i have formed of failure and within this i resist/deny/judge/reject failure and manifest the opposite polarity of wanting/desiring to win.

Do i need desire to get things done? Can desire help me to get things done? What is the use of desire? Totally useless!!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myselff to be eager to get things done instead of realizing that the eagerness is out of my fear of not getting things done effectively and i am only creaing/manifesting that which i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become -- not getting things done.

When i desire for something, i do not get it. When i do not desire it, it might come -- but it no longer matters.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed msyelf to realize that desire is separation -- believing self is lacking somehting that in order for self to be complete self must get something from outside of self to fulfill self -- the starting point is separation and will only create separation -- that which is desired must be lost for self to see the ridiculousness of desire.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see the ridiculousness of desire.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must desire for something in order for me to "get" something, instead of realizing that it does not work that way -- desire=lacking and will create lacking because that is the starting point.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i do not manage to keep that what i "have" i will lose them -- fear of losing=separation.

Stop the desire. Stop the struggle to keep it balanced.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have no ambition i will feel defeated.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me move myself/do something i must have the desire/motivation to do it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what i do -- being driven by some separate motivation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without a separate motivation i am not able to do anything.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belive that i must have some interest in something in order to do it.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that if i do something solely because i am interested in it and if i believe that i am not interested in it i will not do it, that is based on self-interest.

I do not need separate interest/desire/motivation for me to move.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by interest/desire/motivation separate from me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-movement/self-direction.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i am not moved by interest/desire/motivation i will not be able to enjoy myself.

I am self as joy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as struggle and live out my self-definition as struggle.

I forgive myself hat i have accepted and allowed myself to define life as a struggle.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form an idea that in order for me to walk this process i have to be struggle because it is very difficult instead of realizing that i am living my idea of this process of being a struggle.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to not get left behind i must struggle to catch up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to first create the situation that i am fucked and then try to walk out of it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live out my self-definition as this pattern of believing that i must first suffer/struggle and only then am i able to walk through it.

I forgive myself htait have not allowed msyelf to realize that iam creating/manifesting unncessary situations for myself and that i am allowing myself to be directed by my own ideas and beliefs.

I forgive myself that i have acccepted and allowed myself to believe that i must first fuck myself before i can get out of it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to cotinue to participate in this pattern of first creating the situation that i do not enjoy and then have to walk throught it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create the situation where i exist in stress/tension/anxiety/self-defeat/wanting to quit/giving up/desperation/helplessness/powerlessness and then fuck myself within this experience.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize what is it that iam doing to myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my resonance, regarding resonance as something that is more than me and separate from me and that i must give my power away to my resonance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i am a slave to my resonance, instead of realizing that i am giving my power away to my resonance through separation of myself from myself as my SR.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard my resonance as a dictator that is dictating me instead of realizing that the reason that i have regarded the resonance to be more than me is because of the separation that i have accepted.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to accept me as a system -- standing equal and one with and as me Here as the system that is all me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand equal and one with me and as me as the system because i have believed that if i stand one and equal with the system i will become the system instead of realizing that i have already been the system and that is all me and that by saying "i willl become the system" is implying that i am believing that i am not the system that is actually me and that i have separated myself from my self as the system and existing in an illusion that i am apparently not the system and within this separation of who/what i am Here, i have given my power away and having no power to transform myself.

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be something different from who/what i am Here -- separation.

Walk through manifested consequences

When the consequences are already playing out, there is no point of reaction. I have to walk through the consequences that i have accepted and allowed within me. My reation towards that which has already manifested makes no difference but only traps myself even more. The manfiested consequences are not to be judged but to be walked through within and as self-honesty.

Deal with what is directly Here

Work with the point that is Here in every moment as every breath -- this is the most effective way to move, otherwise i will only be prolonging my process. One of the problems that i have been having is that at the same moment there are several points or even many points that i want to deal with and i will feel flustered with what to do -- when i am doing something that is Here i will think about/be worried about other things that i want to do -- so i am not actually Here dealing with the point that is Here but wanting to go there somewhere else which i believe to be more important or effective than what i am dealing with Here. Well, the fact is that Being Here and working with what is Here and trust myself to be Here without being driven by ideas to go out there somewhere is where opportunity and effectiveness comes. The mind consciousness system always wants to divert my attention from what is Here that is most effective, which is usually experienced as a feeling of resistance and belief of something more important somewhere else and within this i will feel an urge to go there and leave instead of dealing with what is already Here. This point of working with what is Here is also a principle in muscle communication. The mind wants to rush, and in rush i can not get things done in the most effective way which is working with what is Here and direct what is Here. My mind willl give me ideas that what is Here is not important compared with something that my mind has constructed through ideas/beliefs/perceptions. For example, today my world started to move again. Tomorrow i will have a QFT class when a homework is due and i have not yet done my homework "as usual" -- it is a pattern i have created. In the usual days i will just spend the whole night on the problems trying to figure out how to solve them and strangely enough, i am extremely ineffective -- the simplest problem will take me about an hour to solve, which is absolutely ineffective. i wanted to go into that pattern again -- to stay up late to finish my homework-- and i experienced exactly as i experienced before -- extremely ineffective: i was stuck in the first problem -- one very simple problem but i just do not seem to be able to move on -- my past understanding, the knowledge and information seem to have disappeared and i am just stuck blindlessly struggling with what the heck the problem is. Maybe it is that i am not doing what is Here because goint into a rush and do what i believe that i need to do is just not working well enough. Just deal with what is Here, right Here, every moment, not bassed on ideas/beliefs. My mind will tell me that that is more important -- go there, instead of just being Here.

body posture

i notices a body posture that i have not realized before. this pbody osture is that my right hand tends to go up an dh i just hold it ther on my chest area -- it si like a guadrd. while my lef t hand just goes down -- not being up just dangling beside my body. What this is showing me is a pattern that i have lived out physically yet that which i have not allowed myselff to realize and be aware of. The right arm holding up is me on guard so to speak. -- protection/defend mechanism. while the left arm dangling down is me supressing mys self-expression to come through. You see that this really makes sense and this is what i have been living for quite a long itme. The suppression of self-expression and always being on guard , protecting/defeniding myself. Now i have noticed this point, i will pay attention to it and see what my body is telling me tthat i am living out. Also the body poture -- when i am sitting on the chair, i just noticed that i have been favoring myself as the structure part -- the right hand side of my body -- and i am giving less atterntion to the left side of my boduy -- the expression part. I need to restructure my world in such a way that i can assit and support myself expression.

It is interesting to see that i have beening my computer for quite a few places and still i am not finding a place yet that when i work on the computer i am able to be comfortable and everything just comes handy.

The last time i moved my computer onto my bed and yet the bed is very low so that i have to turn my body to one side. and the one side i turned to is the right and since then i have been in that physical body posture when i was working on my computer. so what i have being doing and what that body posture has been reflecting to me and the discomfort that i experienced in that body posture is taht i am suppressing my self-expression. It is an imblance between structur-e and expression -- expression has been suppressed. And when i have my back pack on my shoulder, i feel that discomfort on my left shoulder -- the back pack seems to be always wanting to slip off from my left shoulder -- and i am not giving attention to that -- and i am enduring that suffering without looking at the reason why i am experiencing that in the first place.

My room requires a complete restruction so that i am able to assist and support myself effectively -- to make sure that my human physical body posture are assisting and supporting myself within self-expression.

random writing

Today is a day of openning up and communication. It is kind of weird i do not quite remember this morning. What did i do? Yeah, last night i was catching up with a lab report -- a pattern that i have existed as for quite a while -- procrastinating until the last moment and until it is late. I feel defeated about this -- this is what i am experiencing. I say i have tried to beat this pattern but there is always that "but" -- that doubt, that uncertainty, that fear coming up -- fearing that i may fuck up again, fearing that i may be trapped again, fearing that i may not be able to transcend this point, fearing this fearing that, not trusting self, not here when these thougts come up into my mind. Those thoughts are reflecting what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become -- a refleciton of my accepted nature. It is a pattern that i have trained my mind and i have allowed myself to believe to be who i am -- me giving my power away to my mind and me abdicating self-directiveness and self-empowerment -- the pattern is a form of mind possession -- get possessed by a pattern -- the pattern having power over me-- i feel powerless/helpless, feel that i am not able to make a difference, feel that i am inferior to the pattern, feel that the pattern is happening to me, feel 'Oh, shit. Oh, shit' -- feel shitty unconsciouslly about myself -- isn't it weird how i have allowed myself to design myself as such a self-image as being shitty. Any form off self-image is illusion. Self needs no specific self-image to be able to live. Haha. Just write. No need to be worried about what i am writing. It is just writing, i do not need to worrry whether what i am writing is 'logical' or 'making sense'. When i try to construct my words, my expression gets stuck. Now i found a point -- judgement of 'bad' grammar -- i get annoyed when i find people using apparently 'bad' grammar and i judge people as being uneducated -- it is actually self-judgement -- me fearing other people judging me as being uneducated because i have judged other people as being uneducated. Flow of self-expression. just the flow of words at the mooment. just go. just go. just oggo lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll haha. why the fuck do i get swo worried about grammar? why the fuck doi imprison myself with so many limitations. dout. a point. when i approach something that i have never done before or something that i have ever touched years ago, i would experience uncertainty and doubt within me -- whether i am able to get it, whether i am able to understand it, whether i am able to get it done effectively. also i start to feel that i am like an idiot seeing people communicating with each other talking about something with ease while i feel that i do not understand a thing of what they are talking about. so i would run away and be 'alone' so that i do not experience that kind of feeling of embarrassment -- yes, embarrassment, that is what i was experiencing in that moment -- you know what, it is kind of weird, because i suppress myself in that moment, i do not allow myself to see what i was experiencing in that moment, i do not want to be intimate with myself to have a look what i was really experiencing Why? How have i defined myself as such a pattern? There is also another pattern off wanting to make things right -- to go back to the past to make things appear to be right -- while what is actually happening is that i can not change my past i t has alreayd been done -- all i have is Here in this moment the current moment Here that is the only place that ihave my power -- enven though i go back and make things appear to be OK the actual truth is that it is not -- that is n illusion it is a cuoverup it is covering that fragments of pieces and crackes under those appear illusory integrity -- i am want ing to make things appear to be OK appear to be complete appear to be integrate appear to be hole appear tobbe perfect -- it is IN FACT not. So what is this? illusion. self-deception. the decpetion of self being apparently good/right/self0honest while the hidden truth is absolute separation, turnmoil, limitationk constriction, abuse -- it is a polarity manifestationt that i present outward so that i can what is going on within me. It is not real. The illusrory image that i present outwardsly it is something that i use to hide -- a mask that i put on -- an escuse that i use so that i can continue to exist in this inner conflicts. Why? Isn't is this weirrd weird ? why doi continue to exist in such experiences that i d o not actually enjoy? Whyd o i still hold onto such experiences? Why do i not change? Why? It does not make sense. Why am i so stupid to hold onto something that is not really assisting and supporting me? Why am i doing this to my self? Why i am abusing myself? Why? What am i really experiencing? I want to hide -- to hide from what iam actually experiencing -- to separeate myelf separate myself form from from separate experinencing experiencing -- to separate myself form what i am actually experiencing so that i hdo not hae too have a llok at look at have a llookk look at what i am actualllyl experiencing within me -- so that i a do not hae to open up and being intimate with myself -- so that i d o not have to face myself -- so that i can continue to hide -- so that i can continue to be what i have alawys accepted and allowed msyefl to myself to be and become3 become -- why wouldi do hat? why would i be reluctant to see myself? what is the point? what is it that i am wanting to protectt? what is it that i am holding onto? why would i inveest in something that is abusing myself in fact? why do i want to escape form myselff? selff? self? from? forom?from? self? what is it that iam experiencing ? really? what is it/ what is it ? who i am? what i am? why? how? when? where? i felt crappy at the moment for what i have written -- but just a moment and then i really see that i t is my thoughts and my mind wanting to interfere. it is really cool to just wiwrite write wirte writte write what i am expeiriecning -- what i am experiencing. i have a ttendency tendency to make it right i want to repeat it so that i can correct it -- but is it the most effective way to go? i can see form the words that ia i am writting that i have teh pattern of controolling - managing myselff and my words so that i hcan continue to hide the trutht mof myse me myself. it is scattered. it is in pieces. i t i s not cohere. it is missing pieces. but i wan tto make it appear that i everything is OK is perfect so that i do hnot hae to deal with myself. deal with the truth of me.. the trutht that is underlyign everythig that i am trying to manipulate to present myself as a difffernt selfimage. Illusion. not real. why can't i rjust relax? wahy do i have to onbe on guard onall the time? whyd o i have to be on guard all the time? why do i have to protect defend myself ? why do i have to seclude myself from other beings? isn't that a reflection of me secluding myself fom myself? what is it that i am not getting? what doi need to get? what ido i want to get? why iam i not chagning ? why am i not changing? why am i not learning form the past? why am i still continuing the past pattern that i have designed msyelf to be and become? why do i still want to conitnue that pattern? so do i really want that? no. then why do i still hold myself hback? why am i stil not still not allowing myself to change? what is hindering the expression of who i really to come through? what is holding me to believe in the belief that i can not make a difffrence? difference? what is it that i am holding emeit is what is that iam using to hold mself back? what is it that ia am not alllowing myself to doubt? why i am uncertain aoubt myself? why am i uncertain about of msyelf? aobut about ? why what do i do ? why do i fear myself? why do i fear to see the truth of me? why do i fear what iam eperiencing? what is it ? i felt panic when i see that who i am is all scattered around. scattered all around. there is a mechanism that i will just fear to see what /who/how i have existing but twant to mannage manage a certain way to present mself that i can use to hide to continue to hide not allowing myself to experience who i really am as self-expression and enjoy myself sa the self-expression. i am experiecning experiencing the uncertainty doubt . i am experiencing abuseing myself waniting to punihs myesel. self-defeat. once then self0defeat. i give it a try but before i give the try i have already doubetted myselff in the start and within this i have already cokind of prepared the way of 'faillure' and i just prove to myself that i have believed myself to be -- a fiailure. failure? when do i start to believe that iam a failure? why would i belivve myself t be a failure? why am i missing constantly and continuesly getting this feeling of failure? Self-defeatr. it is realy not my thing. when do i start t oexperience myself as a fiailure.? failure? i-- the experience of me fearing taht imayfuck up again i amy screw up again. not being certain aoubt mysefl not ttrusting myself not trusiting who i reallly ma you see the worlds. they are the reflection of me. the truth of me - what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and bbeocme.; at the currrent moment i have a twitttwichiing in the pinky of my feet -- what is this showing me? i guess that i t is a triggered by a thought or thoughts. a poinjt of control opcomes upl . control? i am wnating to control myselff myselff myselff myselff myselff myselff fffffff myselff it is really weirrd that when i tye the word myselff that are two f's there. i have sdeen this pattern a while. what is this showing me? what is the symbolic representation of the letter f? what doe life mean? it is interesting because i wanted to type what does the letter f mean but i typed out life/ Yes. ef, life sounds similar. why do i have to make verything appear to be right and perfect? that is an lillusion that i am using to hid e the truth of me. i also noticed a very weird hthing -- whne i publish something on my bolog the epression. expression. this word .when i type this wor d i my bolg it appears within myselff somehitng something after it like w wiggle. i forggive myself thati have acceped and allowe d myself to fear that i may havdestory myself. by so many words reersed. the cursor is also assisting and supporting ime in understanding that ia m going bakc to that which is my past and go there out there in the past. it is a lloop. from here going to the past and there -- acycle. i am experiencing a kiind off dispondency within me. feel that there are so many point that i am woring with to current myself. the aords are in reverse. is it the mind in reverse? i said oh shit iwthin myse mind when i saw that the words that i hav just typedd are arranged in such a disoredered way. and i wanted to abuse myself and punish myeslf for hat i have done. for what i have already done as the consequenctial out folwo consequential outfolow outflow of thawt what i have alrready alreayd already accepted and allowed within me. some points to consider. is it useful to go back to my past and try to ? why am i doubiting myself to go bakc to my past? i am not living in my past. i deal with the past that is currently stiill infleucnign me . Yes, currenttly -- it is llike a current that is perpetuating me from the past into the future whihc is past related -- nothing new. i forgive myself hthat i hae accepted and allwoed myself o imagine wihtin myself abusing myself and i wanted to usppress that immediately . why do i not allow myself to see what i am really experiencig within that? what i am writing seems to be something that is encoded into a form of language that is similar to english but not exaxdtly. ths point of self-correction. what if what i seem to be correcting is becoming more and more and more. My lfest hand is trying to retract iself from the typing-- it is ian indication of me wanting to retract from my self-expression -- my self-expression going awasy from Here -- it is a form of supression -- not wanting to participate -- going bakc to the background -- not wanting to come through -- i have been suppressing this for a long time.