It's too much

Desteni video: Noooooo -- IT's TOO MUCH!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDIPS1ibhWU

Tonight as i was starting to consider taking on a point/pattern that i have become aware/seen within myself through watching one Desteni video which i have take some notes within the process of watching, I experienced resistance. The resistance comes from seeing the pattern as being too extensive. It is such a mess. It consists of so many points that i do not even know where to get started. So I looked at the note i have taken from the video several times. I was still not deciding where to get started. This pattern of feeling overwhelmed by what i am facing and dealing with and the resistance thereof has been a major problem that is preventing me from applying myself effectively.

The memory that I had that is related to this point is my past experience with self-forgiveness. The problem with the way i applied self-forgiveness is that as i go on with the self-forgiveness sentences like in writing or speaking, usually there will be other points come up that is related to the point i am applying self-forgiveness on. Then I deviate from the initial point and jump into the point that came up related to the intial one, and that continues as i continue with SF - even deviating from the second point that i jumped into. So within applying SF I was hopping all over the weblike structure interconnected/interlinked through words, 'opeining up' points yet with neither point went into specifity and cleared up. The end result is a huge mess of unfinished job in front of me. This ineffectiveness in applying self-forgiveness has bothered me for quite some time. I was like stuck in the huge web-like structure of words connected/linked to each other. It's huge and messy and seem never ending. I feel overwhelmed by the extensive amout of 'job' that now i have to finish. Even when i started to take on one of the 'unfinished job', i was thinking about the huge amount of points that i have not finished dealing with which i have already opened up. So i was not attentive in getting one point done but jumped into other points again out of worry and concern of all the points that is there. I am like a fireman that is attempting to put out fire that is burning all over the place. LOL. Where does the fire come from? I created it. I created the situation. I allowed my mind to distract me from the initial point that i was dealing with and went off track to 'open up' a huge load of other points -- setting fire all over the place. I am not saying that all those other points do not exist. It is just that when i am dealing with one point all other points that I 'open up' become distractions which do not allow me to focus on one point and get it done within specificity. I actually had the obligation to 'open up' points that i see in the middle of writing self-forgiveness because I had this idea that if i do not deal with it right now i am self-dishonest. But you see that is exactly how i get off the track and deviate from the initial point. The mind is very sly and is able to use whatever method to enslave me - even the idea i have created about what is self-dishonesty and what is self-honesty. Leaving out for now all other points that are NOT DIRECTLY related to the initial point that i have decided to take on and only focus on this one point is NOT self-dishonesty but only consideration of practicality and effectiveness. If the initial point has been dealt with effectively then I may consider taking on other points that came up/are related to the inital one.

This pattern is also seen in my experience in relation to my research project. I have the tendency to jump to other projects before i have completed even one project. Then i am 'opening up' several topics at the same time and attempt to deal with them simutaneously. But i am not effective due to the distraction and worry that there is so much work that i am going to have to deal with. But all the amount of work is created by myself. Actually my research advisor did not put on that much pressure on me instead i am doing it onto myself. It's a habitual pattern that i have created within which i am occupying, distracting and enslaving myself through attempting to deal with a lot of points at the same time. It is the same pattern playing out over and over again in different aspects of my life.

Maybe there are people who are mutlitaskful from the perspective of dealing with several points simultaneously, but i find it impractical for me at least in the moment to handle situations. Maybe it is because i have some misunderstanding in multitaskfulness and how it can be combined with one point at each time. But that is goint to deviate from the point i am dealing with right now.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed in facing the pattern that i have created and accepted and allowed myself to be and become due to the extensive nature of the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is too much for me to handle what i am facing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless in facing the extensive nature of the mind as that which i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking on the pattern that i have created due to the idea that it is too much for me to handle.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i do not know where to get started because i perceive that the pattern is just all over the place instead of taking on one point at a time and apply myself step by step.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to even get started within taking on what i am facing due to the resistance that i experienced which is based on the idea that it is too much to handle.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the common sense that no matter how huge a task seem to be if i do not get started it is never going to be finished.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that no matter how huge a task seem to be it is still completed through doing it step by step.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my experience of feeling overwhelmed in front of the point that i am facing and working on. I noticed an interesting point: i used the word 'deal with' instead of 'work on' when i was writing this self-forgiveness sentence. Then i was in some sense attempting to make a deal with the point i am facing. Just an interesting realization. OK. No deviation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of dealing many points at the same time and feel overwhelmed by the situation i created by myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deviate from the initial point that i have decided to work on in applying self-forgiveness and within this deviation i open up many other points which become a messy situation by which i feel overwhelmed.
I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be distracted and led off track by other points that come up in the middle of working on one point.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to stick to the initial point that i have decided to work on and not allow myself to deviate from it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be led off track by mind into all sorts of other directions and get lost in it all instead of assisting and supporting myself to stick to one point and get it done in specificity and effectiveness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to 'open up' and 'face' whatever points that come up in the middle of working on one point and perceive that if i do not do this i am self-dishonest instead of considering the practicality of taking on one point at a time and realizing that deviating from the initial point is not effective at all thus leaving out for the moment points that are not directly relevan to the initial one is not self-dishonesty but consideration of practicality and effectiveness.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand that i have created the overwhelming situation for myself through not sticking to one point at a time.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i am not free if i stick to only one point instead of realizing that by attempting to be apparently free through deviating from one point and go into all sorts of other directions i am actually enslaving myself into a situation where i feel overwhelmed.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard sticking to one point at a time as enslavement and want to break away from it instead of seeing/understanding/realizing that i am actually pushing myself into the situation of enslavement.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the mind distraction through regarding it as self-honesty and freedom which are ideas that i have formed within mind -- they are not real self-honesty and freedom.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be worried/concerned with how much i have not done/completed.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty of all the other points that i have not taken on yet when i am working on one point already.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to sort myself all out in one moment instead of seeing that it is obvoiusly impossible.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the process requires patience, diligence and discipline -- patience with the realization that the process of sorting myself out takes time and it is not going to be just one moment and everything is done, diligence with the realization that i can not use 'the process takes time' as an excuse/justification to not face myself or sort myself out effectively, discipline as sticking to the principle of walking the process and assisting and supporting myself effectively. What patience, diligence and discipline practically mean i still yet to discover and explore for myself.

Practical living correction and application: How am i going to assist and support me practically with regards to this pattern that i have already created? Stick to one point each time and get it done effectively. Do not deviate from the initial point and jump into all sorts of other directions. Do not allow the worry or concern of how much i have not done to influence the point i am currently working on. What about all the points that i have already opened up? What about the several research topics that i have already got into? Prioritize them and still work on one point/project each time. This practical living correction part with regards to this point i still need to consider more and find out the most practical and effective way.