I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into resistance within working on a point of facing myself - facing the self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed and within the resistance i wanted to drop off the point that i have already opened up from the starting point of not facing it/hiding/denying/resisting/protecting my self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use 'It is too much. It is too extensive. It is huge. It is messy.' as excuses/justifications to not face myself and take self-responsibility to correct myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create the situation where everything is just all over the place and where i become ineffective in my application so that i do not face myself effectively.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to find excuses/justifications in order to escape from facing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to turn to my mind to find out some excuses/justfications to escape from facing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire excuses/justifications to not face myself.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see that I actually designed/created myself into ineffectiveness so that i do not have to face myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use ineffectiveness as a justification for not facing myself as the self-dishonesty/self-deceptions that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into ineffectiveness in order to escape from myself.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have deliberately enslaved myself out of my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty of wanting to escape from the self-dishonesty that i created/designed as myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant/unwilling to face myself instead of seeing/realizing that such a behavior is acceptance and allowance of self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify that i have the right/choice to be reluctant to do something instead of realizing that i was allowing myself to enslave myself. I do not tolerate the bullshit justifications!!!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately divert my attention away from the point i am working on because of the extent of self-dishonesty that i have seen within the point.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from facing the extensive self-dishonesty that i have accepted and allowed instead of realizing that i can not escape from myself and that resisting/denying/justifying self-dishonesty is only prolonging my process.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to jump to other points so that i do not have to face this point that i am working on which i have seen self-dishonesty within it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately type some nonsense characters and then erase them, which is a method i have used to resist facing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use time - the 12 o'clock as the 'going back to dorm' time as an escaping method and attempt to find ways to prolong my writing so that i can get to 12 o'clock and go back to the dorm.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately 'become' ineffective in my writing from the starting point of getting to 12 o'clock when i will escape from the situation of facing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is a saving grace when i got an ache in my stomach and wanted to go to the bathroom because that will buy me more time towards 12o'clock when i will be able to get out of the situation from facing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become sleepy within facing msyelf which is another method i have created to escape from facing the point i am working on.
I forgive myself that i have accetped and allowed myself to give into sleepiness/lethargy as a means to escape from facing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into the state of daydreaming - with me closing my eyes and participate in my mind in the pictures coming up - in order to escape from facing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into the thoughts/pictures/images that come up into my mind and allow them to distract me from facing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be unwilling to face myself and find all sorts of excuses/justfications/methods/means to escape from myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into and go into what my mind provided me with as the distraction methods so that i do not face myself.
I forgiv emyself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become habitually self-deceptive and have designed so many ways in order to not face myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to resistance to take me over and go into all sorts of justfications/excuses so that i do not have to face myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make the point i am facing with more huge/vast/extensive than what it seems to be so that i can scare myself away and justify why i do not want to face myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make situations more than what it is so that i can use it as an excuse/justification to escape from facing myself.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
It's too much
Desteni video: Noooooo -- IT's TOO MUCH!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDIPS1ibhWU
Tonight as i was starting to consider taking on a point/pattern that i have become aware/seen within myself through watching one Desteni video which i have take some notes within the process of watching, I experienced resistance. The resistance comes from seeing the pattern as being too extensive. It is such a mess. It consists of so many points that i do not even know where to get started. So I looked at the note i have taken from the video several times. I was still not deciding where to get started. This pattern of feeling overwhelmed by what i am facing and dealing with and the resistance thereof has been a major problem that is preventing me from applying myself effectively.
The memory that I had that is related to this point is my past experience with self-forgiveness. The problem with the way i applied self-forgiveness is that as i go on with the self-forgiveness sentences like in writing or speaking, usually there will be other points come up that is related to the point i am applying self-forgiveness on. Then I deviate from the initial point and jump into the point that came up related to the intial one, and that continues as i continue with SF - even deviating from the second point that i jumped into. So within applying SF I was hopping all over the weblike structure interconnected/interlinked through words, 'opeining up' points yet with neither point went into specifity and cleared up. The end result is a huge mess of unfinished job in front of me. This ineffectiveness in applying self-forgiveness has bothered me for quite some time. I was like stuck in the huge web-like structure of words connected/linked to each other. It's huge and messy and seem never ending. I feel overwhelmed by the extensive amout of 'job' that now i have to finish. Even when i started to take on one of the 'unfinished job', i was thinking about the huge amount of points that i have not finished dealing with which i have already opened up. So i was not attentive in getting one point done but jumped into other points again out of worry and concern of all the points that is there. I am like a fireman that is attempting to put out fire that is burning all over the place. LOL. Where does the fire come from? I created it. I created the situation. I allowed my mind to distract me from the initial point that i was dealing with and went off track to 'open up' a huge load of other points -- setting fire all over the place. I am not saying that all those other points do not exist. It is just that when i am dealing with one point all other points that I 'open up' become distractions which do not allow me to focus on one point and get it done within specificity. I actually had the obligation to 'open up' points that i see in the middle of writing self-forgiveness because I had this idea that if i do not deal with it right now i am self-dishonest. But you see that is exactly how i get off the track and deviate from the initial point. The mind is very sly and is able to use whatever method to enslave me - even the idea i have created about what is self-dishonesty and what is self-honesty. Leaving out for now all other points that are NOT DIRECTLY related to the initial point that i have decided to take on and only focus on this one point is NOT self-dishonesty but only consideration of practicality and effectiveness. If the initial point has been dealt with effectively then I may consider taking on other points that came up/are related to the inital one.
This pattern is also seen in my experience in relation to my research project. I have the tendency to jump to other projects before i have completed even one project. Then i am 'opening up' several topics at the same time and attempt to deal with them simutaneously. But i am not effective due to the distraction and worry that there is so much work that i am going to have to deal with. But all the amount of work is created by myself. Actually my research advisor did not put on that much pressure on me instead i am doing it onto myself. It's a habitual pattern that i have created within which i am occupying, distracting and enslaving myself through attempting to deal with a lot of points at the same time. It is the same pattern playing out over and over again in different aspects of my life.
Maybe there are people who are mutlitaskful from the perspective of dealing with several points simultaneously, but i find it impractical for me at least in the moment to handle situations. Maybe it is because i have some misunderstanding in multitaskfulness and how it can be combined with one point at each time. But that is goint to deviate from the point i am dealing with right now.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed in facing the pattern that i have created and accepted and allowed myself to be and become due to the extensive nature of the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is too much for me to handle what i am facing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless in facing the extensive nature of the mind as that which i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking on the pattern that i have created due to the idea that it is too much for me to handle.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i do not know where to get started because i perceive that the pattern is just all over the place instead of taking on one point at a time and apply myself step by step.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to even get started within taking on what i am facing due to the resistance that i experienced which is based on the idea that it is too much to handle.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the common sense that no matter how huge a task seem to be if i do not get started it is never going to be finished.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that no matter how huge a task seem to be it is still completed through doing it step by step.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my experience of feeling overwhelmed in front of the point that i am facing and working on. I noticed an interesting point: i used the word 'deal with' instead of 'work on' when i was writing this self-forgiveness sentence. Then i was in some sense attempting to make a deal with the point i am facing. Just an interesting realization. OK. No deviation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of dealing many points at the same time and feel overwhelmed by the situation i created by myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deviate from the initial point that i have decided to work on in applying self-forgiveness and within this deviation i open up many other points which become a messy situation by which i feel overwhelmed.
I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be distracted and led off track by other points that come up in the middle of working on one point.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to stick to the initial point that i have decided to work on and not allow myself to deviate from it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be led off track by mind into all sorts of other directions and get lost in it all instead of assisting and supporting myself to stick to one point and get it done in specificity and effectiveness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to 'open up' and 'face' whatever points that come up in the middle of working on one point and perceive that if i do not do this i am self-dishonest instead of considering the practicality of taking on one point at a time and realizing that deviating from the initial point is not effective at all thus leaving out for the moment points that are not directly relevan to the initial one is not self-dishonesty but consideration of practicality and effectiveness.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand that i have created the overwhelming situation for myself through not sticking to one point at a time.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i am not free if i stick to only one point instead of realizing that by attempting to be apparently free through deviating from one point and go into all sorts of other directions i am actually enslaving myself into a situation where i feel overwhelmed.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard sticking to one point at a time as enslavement and want to break away from it instead of seeing/understanding/realizing that i am actually pushing myself into the situation of enslavement.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the mind distraction through regarding it as self-honesty and freedom which are ideas that i have formed within mind -- they are not real self-honesty and freedom.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be worried/concerned with how much i have not done/completed.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty of all the other points that i have not taken on yet when i am working on one point already.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to sort myself all out in one moment instead of seeing that it is obvoiusly impossible.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the process requires patience, diligence and discipline -- patience with the realization that the process of sorting myself out takes time and it is not going to be just one moment and everything is done, diligence with the realization that i can not use 'the process takes time' as an excuse/justification to not face myself or sort myself out effectively, discipline as sticking to the principle of walking the process and assisting and supporting myself effectively. What patience, diligence and discipline practically mean i still yet to discover and explore for myself.
Practical living correction and application: How am i going to assist and support me practically with regards to this pattern that i have already created? Stick to one point each time and get it done effectively. Do not deviate from the initial point and jump into all sorts of other directions. Do not allow the worry or concern of how much i have not done to influence the point i am currently working on. What about all the points that i have already opened up? What about the several research topics that i have already got into? Prioritize them and still work on one point/project each time. This practical living correction part with regards to this point i still need to consider more and find out the most practical and effective way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDIPS1ibhWU
Tonight as i was starting to consider taking on a point/pattern that i have become aware/seen within myself through watching one Desteni video which i have take some notes within the process of watching, I experienced resistance. The resistance comes from seeing the pattern as being too extensive. It is such a mess. It consists of so many points that i do not even know where to get started. So I looked at the note i have taken from the video several times. I was still not deciding where to get started. This pattern of feeling overwhelmed by what i am facing and dealing with and the resistance thereof has been a major problem that is preventing me from applying myself effectively.
The memory that I had that is related to this point is my past experience with self-forgiveness. The problem with the way i applied self-forgiveness is that as i go on with the self-forgiveness sentences like in writing or speaking, usually there will be other points come up that is related to the point i am applying self-forgiveness on. Then I deviate from the initial point and jump into the point that came up related to the intial one, and that continues as i continue with SF - even deviating from the second point that i jumped into. So within applying SF I was hopping all over the weblike structure interconnected/interlinked through words, 'opeining up' points yet with neither point went into specifity and cleared up. The end result is a huge mess of unfinished job in front of me. This ineffectiveness in applying self-forgiveness has bothered me for quite some time. I was like stuck in the huge web-like structure of words connected/linked to each other. It's huge and messy and seem never ending. I feel overwhelmed by the extensive amout of 'job' that now i have to finish. Even when i started to take on one of the 'unfinished job', i was thinking about the huge amount of points that i have not finished dealing with which i have already opened up. So i was not attentive in getting one point done but jumped into other points again out of worry and concern of all the points that is there. I am like a fireman that is attempting to put out fire that is burning all over the place. LOL. Where does the fire come from? I created it. I created the situation. I allowed my mind to distract me from the initial point that i was dealing with and went off track to 'open up' a huge load of other points -- setting fire all over the place. I am not saying that all those other points do not exist. It is just that when i am dealing with one point all other points that I 'open up' become distractions which do not allow me to focus on one point and get it done within specificity. I actually had the obligation to 'open up' points that i see in the middle of writing self-forgiveness because I had this idea that if i do not deal with it right now i am self-dishonest. But you see that is exactly how i get off the track and deviate from the initial point. The mind is very sly and is able to use whatever method to enslave me - even the idea i have created about what is self-dishonesty and what is self-honesty. Leaving out for now all other points that are NOT DIRECTLY related to the initial point that i have decided to take on and only focus on this one point is NOT self-dishonesty but only consideration of practicality and effectiveness. If the initial point has been dealt with effectively then I may consider taking on other points that came up/are related to the inital one.
This pattern is also seen in my experience in relation to my research project. I have the tendency to jump to other projects before i have completed even one project. Then i am 'opening up' several topics at the same time and attempt to deal with them simutaneously. But i am not effective due to the distraction and worry that there is so much work that i am going to have to deal with. But all the amount of work is created by myself. Actually my research advisor did not put on that much pressure on me instead i am doing it onto myself. It's a habitual pattern that i have created within which i am occupying, distracting and enslaving myself through attempting to deal with a lot of points at the same time. It is the same pattern playing out over and over again in different aspects of my life.
Maybe there are people who are mutlitaskful from the perspective of dealing with several points simultaneously, but i find it impractical for me at least in the moment to handle situations. Maybe it is because i have some misunderstanding in multitaskfulness and how it can be combined with one point at each time. But that is goint to deviate from the point i am dealing with right now.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed in facing the pattern that i have created and accepted and allowed myself to be and become due to the extensive nature of the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is too much for me to handle what i am facing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless in facing the extensive nature of the mind as that which i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking on the pattern that i have created due to the idea that it is too much for me to handle.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i do not know where to get started because i perceive that the pattern is just all over the place instead of taking on one point at a time and apply myself step by step.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to even get started within taking on what i am facing due to the resistance that i experienced which is based on the idea that it is too much to handle.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the common sense that no matter how huge a task seem to be if i do not get started it is never going to be finished.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that no matter how huge a task seem to be it is still completed through doing it step by step.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my experience of feeling overwhelmed in front of the point that i am facing and working on. I noticed an interesting point: i used the word 'deal with' instead of 'work on' when i was writing this self-forgiveness sentence. Then i was in some sense attempting to make a deal with the point i am facing. Just an interesting realization. OK. No deviation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of dealing many points at the same time and feel overwhelmed by the situation i created by myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deviate from the initial point that i have decided to work on in applying self-forgiveness and within this deviation i open up many other points which become a messy situation by which i feel overwhelmed.
I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be distracted and led off track by other points that come up in the middle of working on one point.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to stick to the initial point that i have decided to work on and not allow myself to deviate from it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be led off track by mind into all sorts of other directions and get lost in it all instead of assisting and supporting myself to stick to one point and get it done in specificity and effectiveness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to 'open up' and 'face' whatever points that come up in the middle of working on one point and perceive that if i do not do this i am self-dishonest instead of considering the practicality of taking on one point at a time and realizing that deviating from the initial point is not effective at all thus leaving out for the moment points that are not directly relevan to the initial one is not self-dishonesty but consideration of practicality and effectiveness.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand that i have created the overwhelming situation for myself through not sticking to one point at a time.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i am not free if i stick to only one point instead of realizing that by attempting to be apparently free through deviating from one point and go into all sorts of other directions i am actually enslaving myself into a situation where i feel overwhelmed.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard sticking to one point at a time as enslavement and want to break away from it instead of seeing/understanding/realizing that i am actually pushing myself into the situation of enslavement.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the mind distraction through regarding it as self-honesty and freedom which are ideas that i have formed within mind -- they are not real self-honesty and freedom.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be worried/concerned with how much i have not done/completed.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty of all the other points that i have not taken on yet when i am working on one point already.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to sort myself all out in one moment instead of seeing that it is obvoiusly impossible.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the process requires patience, diligence and discipline -- patience with the realization that the process of sorting myself out takes time and it is not going to be just one moment and everything is done, diligence with the realization that i can not use 'the process takes time' as an excuse/justification to not face myself or sort myself out effectively, discipline as sticking to the principle of walking the process and assisting and supporting myself effectively. What patience, diligence and discipline practically mean i still yet to discover and explore for myself.
Practical living correction and application: How am i going to assist and support me practically with regards to this pattern that i have already created? Stick to one point each time and get it done effectively. Do not deviate from the initial point and jump into all sorts of other directions. Do not allow the worry or concern of how much i have not done to influence the point i am currently working on. What about all the points that i have already opened up? What about the several research topics that i have already got into? Prioritize them and still work on one point/project each time. This practical living correction part with regards to this point i still need to consider more and find out the most practical and effective way.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Finding fault and make-belief projection
Self-forgiveness on Finding fault and make-belief projection
(http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=80&t=14582&p=134900#p134900)
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the survival pattern as the personality which i have lived out, believed to be who i really am and feared losing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attack people who actually assist and support me because me as a personality felt that i have been threatened/attacked and that i must protect/defend myself so that i as the personality of/as the mind can stay intact.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have enslaved myself through attacking people who assist me and through protecting myself as a personality - within this i have kept myself enslaved as a personality created through/as my participation within/as the mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard people who assist me - for example those who point out the personality of my mind that i am existing as, - to be a threat to myself because I have defined myself according to and as the personality of my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to either attack people within my mind or regard their words as irrelevant, which are the methods that i used to protect/defend my personality based on survival.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into/as the little mind bubble where i am just surviving as a personality and do not allow myself to see what i am actually existing as and also push people away who are assiting and supporting me to face myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard Desteni as a threat to me (actually a threat to my mind/personality/self-definition that are not real in the first place) and perceive/believe that i must find a way to get rid of this threat, which is where i went into the protection/defense mechanism of finding fault within Desteni, deeming Desteni material as full of contradictions and holes so that i have a reason/justification that i must break away from Desteni.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that Desteni was controlling me and that i am going to be free if i break away from Desteni instead of realizing that this freedom that i have defined in this context is the 'freedom' from being threatened as a MCS so that i can continue to exist apparently 'freely' as a MCS/personality in self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify why i should find fault within others/Desteni materials without realizing that my starting point within all of this finding falut application is to protect/defend myself as a personality/MCS.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participation in emotional reaction as a picture of attacking visciously/furiously within my mind and the words spoken in the same way of visciousness/spitefulness so that i can remove which threatens my mind/personality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find every opportunity to find holes/faults within Desteni materials so that i can invalidate the threat that i perceived within them, which is the protection/defense mechanism out of survival.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create/manifest myself as survival of my mind where i have given permission for my mind to take over me completely.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to survive as a personality/MCS/self-definition even at the cost of harming others - which are reflected as the thoughts that i participated within my mind - the astounding viciousness /atrocity/abuse -- the pictures of extreme violence of harming others.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have enslaved myself through protecting my self-dishonesty out of judgment/reaction/defense/denial/fear, instead of being honest/frank/blunt about who i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become of/as mind in self-dishonesty and separation.
(I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to confuse myself with the words i speak because i have interpreted my words in several ways which i later on were not even sure by myself what i meant to say.)
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the evil/spitefulness/viciousness that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become within self-dishonesty and hold onto an idea about myself - what i belive/think myself to be which is not real but merely make-belief.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to defend furiously for my self-definition of my mind out of fear of losing myself instead of realizing that which i fear losing is not real and that i am only defending for self-enslavement and self-limitation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to protect/defend for my own self-enslavement/self-limitation which realy does not make sense.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the energetic reaction where i fuel my mind with anger and viciousness within finding fault in others.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that i am a victim because i believed that i was not finding fault in any way so i was wronged to be pointed out as finding fault within others.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make this assumption that if i do not find fault within others then i am accepting their self-dishonesties so in order for me to not accept other people's self-dishonesties i must find fault.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-dishonesty onto others without looking at/dealing them as myself first to assist and support myself to take self-responsibility and then to expand my responsibility of assisting and supporting others as i have assisted and supported myself.
This finding fault pattern also appeared a couple of days ago when i was reading the comments of a Desteni video with the topic of stopping marijuana, i assumed a position of why this point is invalid, why those people who left comments defending marijuana is valid, why Desteni has no right to do so because some members also used marijuana (it is explained in what Desteni stands for - the drug was used within self-honesty). I have never smoked marijuana at all -- so supposedly there should be no reason for me to defend marijuana out of holding onto the right of drug addiction. Especially not long ago i had a discussion with my colleage about drug and i did not support/defend drug at all. The reaction were triggered basically on my perception that some Desteni members also used marijuana so Desteni has no validity in telling other people to stop. Also i have this perception that Desteni is having a say on everything - what people should do and what people should not do.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within finding fault in the video while i did not actually mean/support the position that i assumed within doing that but from the starting point of reaction and attempt to invalidate the video and prove myself to be right.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to win within proving the video to be wrong through finding holes/faults within it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fuel my ego of self-righteousness through deliberately taking an opposite position towards the video and participate in the game of conflict of opinions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by other people's opinions, defining myself according to what other people say in the form of opinions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take other people's opinions as mine and protect/defend them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to knowledge about myself and reality, believing that what i know in the form of knowledge about reality is what reality actually is.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto knowledge which i have defined as the representation of security/stability.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to survive as a knowledge construct which i have defined myself to be.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form this interpretation that if I do not hold onto knowledge then i must regard everything that i have been as wrong and turn them into the opposite, without considering whether they actually supported who i really am.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take one point, exaggerate/make assumptions/form opinions about it, and then impose it onto the being/video's perspective.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am only attacking my own interpretation/assumption/interpretation about the video/Desteni materials rather than actually invalidate the materials.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fight in my mind with my own made-up belief/projections/assumptions about others.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have created a false enemy within my mind and believed it to be real.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to invalidate another through making a false assumption about that and attack/invalidate that which is what i have imposed onto another by myself in the first place - i was only fighting with a make-belief that exist within my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i have lost the argument within communication with another, instead of realizing that the perception that i have lost the argument is based on my desire/expectation to win.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my colleage because i perceive that I have been lost within the communication with him.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give permission for other people to influence my expression through the idea that i have accepted about myself as being lost which is based on winning/losing game in the first place.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my colleage for what he has done/participated within the communication/conversation, instead of realizing that this reaction indicates a part of me that i have participated yet i have not recognised it as myself i.e. self-separation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard my colleage to be stupid because i have perceived him to regard himself as being clever/smart within 'winning' in the argument/conversation, instead of realizing that this clever/smart is what i have projected onto him.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel clever/smart if i am able to win another in the conversation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in conversation from the starting point of wanting to win.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the idea i have formed about myself as being clever/smart.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dislike my participation within conversation with that particular colleague because i did not win.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when i did not win in the conversation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to like people from the starting point that i am able to win in their presence, which only supports my ego/self-definition.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the anger i directed to my colleage is actually the anger towards myself because i am actually doing what that person was doing but i did not want to see but projected it onto another.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated and give permission for my reaction to direct me instead of being here as breath.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry/irritated with my colleage for finding fault in my words which does not make any fucking sense but only his only projected bullshit, instead of realizing that this is exactly what i have done within attempting to find fault in Desteni materials, where i was making things up and then attempt to invalidate/prove wrong that which only exist within my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project my own bullshit onto another and believe it to be what another is existing as instead of realizing that it all exists within my own mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with Desteni within the belief that Desteni materials have contradictions and that i have been mislead instead of realizing that i have actually misled myself through making assumptions/interpretations/perceptions/ideas/belief about the materials.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uneasy/discomfort within working through this point with self-forgiveness and want to escape from here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by energy and become emotional.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let what come up within me to direct me instead of standing as the self-directive-principle and direct myself Here as breath.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by frustration through defining myself as frustration and acting upon it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to give permission for resistance to direct me and just want to find all sorts of excuses why i should not get over with it.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to use the excuse that i just do not want to do it to attempt to escape from facing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become a slave to resistance through participating in it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away through participating in resistance/emotions/feelings.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to conjure things up, form interpretations/opinions and then project it onto others.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to prove myself right through logic withoug understanding that logic merely allow one to loop in the mind instead of actually consider the common sense of what is best for all.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have trapped myself in my own logic without seeing what is best for all.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word logic, defining it to be bad instead of realizing that is neither good nor bad but what it is.
(http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=80&t=14582&p=134900#p134900)
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the survival pattern as the personality which i have lived out, believed to be who i really am and feared losing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attack people who actually assist and support me because me as a personality felt that i have been threatened/attacked and that i must protect/defend myself so that i as the personality of/as the mind can stay intact.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have enslaved myself through attacking people who assist me and through protecting myself as a personality - within this i have kept myself enslaved as a personality created through/as my participation within/as the mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard people who assist me - for example those who point out the personality of my mind that i am existing as, - to be a threat to myself because I have defined myself according to and as the personality of my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to either attack people within my mind or regard their words as irrelevant, which are the methods that i used to protect/defend my personality based on survival.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into/as the little mind bubble where i am just surviving as a personality and do not allow myself to see what i am actually existing as and also push people away who are assiting and supporting me to face myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard Desteni as a threat to me (actually a threat to my mind/personality/self-definition that are not real in the first place) and perceive/believe that i must find a way to get rid of this threat, which is where i went into the protection/defense mechanism of finding fault within Desteni, deeming Desteni material as full of contradictions and holes so that i have a reason/justification that i must break away from Desteni.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that Desteni was controlling me and that i am going to be free if i break away from Desteni instead of realizing that this freedom that i have defined in this context is the 'freedom' from being threatened as a MCS so that i can continue to exist apparently 'freely' as a MCS/personality in self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify why i should find fault within others/Desteni materials without realizing that my starting point within all of this finding falut application is to protect/defend myself as a personality/MCS.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participation in emotional reaction as a picture of attacking visciously/furiously within my mind and the words spoken in the same way of visciousness/spitefulness so that i can remove which threatens my mind/personality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find every opportunity to find holes/faults within Desteni materials so that i can invalidate the threat that i perceived within them, which is the protection/defense mechanism out of survival.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create/manifest myself as survival of my mind where i have given permission for my mind to take over me completely.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to survive as a personality/MCS/self-definition even at the cost of harming others - which are reflected as the thoughts that i participated within my mind - the astounding viciousness /atrocity/abuse -- the pictures of extreme violence of harming others.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have enslaved myself through protecting my self-dishonesty out of judgment/reaction/defense/denial/fear, instead of being honest/frank/blunt about who i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become of/as mind in self-dishonesty and separation.
(I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to confuse myself with the words i speak because i have interpreted my words in several ways which i later on were not even sure by myself what i meant to say.)
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the evil/spitefulness/viciousness that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become within self-dishonesty and hold onto an idea about myself - what i belive/think myself to be which is not real but merely make-belief.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to defend furiously for my self-definition of my mind out of fear of losing myself instead of realizing that which i fear losing is not real and that i am only defending for self-enslavement and self-limitation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to protect/defend for my own self-enslavement/self-limitation which realy does not make sense.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the energetic reaction where i fuel my mind with anger and viciousness within finding fault in others.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/believe that i am a victim because i believed that i was not finding fault in any way so i was wronged to be pointed out as finding fault within others.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make this assumption that if i do not find fault within others then i am accepting their self-dishonesties so in order for me to not accept other people's self-dishonesties i must find fault.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-dishonesty onto others without looking at/dealing them as myself first to assist and support myself to take self-responsibility and then to expand my responsibility of assisting and supporting others as i have assisted and supported myself.
This finding fault pattern also appeared a couple of days ago when i was reading the comments of a Desteni video with the topic of stopping marijuana, i assumed a position of why this point is invalid, why those people who left comments defending marijuana is valid, why Desteni has no right to do so because some members also used marijuana (it is explained in what Desteni stands for - the drug was used within self-honesty). I have never smoked marijuana at all -- so supposedly there should be no reason for me to defend marijuana out of holding onto the right of drug addiction. Especially not long ago i had a discussion with my colleage about drug and i did not support/defend drug at all. The reaction were triggered basically on my perception that some Desteni members also used marijuana so Desteni has no validity in telling other people to stop. Also i have this perception that Desteni is having a say on everything - what people should do and what people should not do.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within finding fault in the video while i did not actually mean/support the position that i assumed within doing that but from the starting point of reaction and attempt to invalidate the video and prove myself to be right.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to win within proving the video to be wrong through finding holes/faults within it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fuel my ego of self-righteousness through deliberately taking an opposite position towards the video and participate in the game of conflict of opinions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by other people's opinions, defining myself according to what other people say in the form of opinions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take other people's opinions as mine and protect/defend them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to knowledge about myself and reality, believing that what i know in the form of knowledge about reality is what reality actually is.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto knowledge which i have defined as the representation of security/stability.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to survive as a knowledge construct which i have defined myself to be.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form this interpretation that if I do not hold onto knowledge then i must regard everything that i have been as wrong and turn them into the opposite, without considering whether they actually supported who i really am.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take one point, exaggerate/make assumptions/form opinions about it, and then impose it onto the being/video's perspective.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i am only attacking my own interpretation/assumption/interpretation about the video/Desteni materials rather than actually invalidate the materials.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fight in my mind with my own made-up belief/projections/assumptions about others.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have created a false enemy within my mind and believed it to be real.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to invalidate another through making a false assumption about that and attack/invalidate that which is what i have imposed onto another by myself in the first place - i was only fighting with a make-belief that exist within my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel that i have lost the argument within communication with another, instead of realizing that the perception that i have lost the argument is based on my desire/expectation to win.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my colleage because i perceive that I have been lost within the communication with him.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give permission for other people to influence my expression through the idea that i have accepted about myself as being lost which is based on winning/losing game in the first place.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my colleage for what he has done/participated within the communication/conversation, instead of realizing that this reaction indicates a part of me that i have participated yet i have not recognised it as myself i.e. self-separation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard my colleage to be stupid because i have perceived him to regard himself as being clever/smart within 'winning' in the argument/conversation, instead of realizing that this clever/smart is what i have projected onto him.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel clever/smart if i am able to win another in the conversation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in conversation from the starting point of wanting to win.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the idea i have formed about myself as being clever/smart.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dislike my participation within conversation with that particular colleague because i did not win.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when i did not win in the conversation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to like people from the starting point that i am able to win in their presence, which only supports my ego/self-definition.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the anger i directed to my colleage is actually the anger towards myself because i am actually doing what that person was doing but i did not want to see but projected it onto another.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated and give permission for my reaction to direct me instead of being here as breath.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry/irritated with my colleage for finding fault in my words which does not make any fucking sense but only his only projected bullshit, instead of realizing that this is exactly what i have done within attempting to find fault in Desteni materials, where i was making things up and then attempt to invalidate/prove wrong that which only exist within my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project my own bullshit onto another and believe it to be what another is existing as instead of realizing that it all exists within my own mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with Desteni within the belief that Desteni materials have contradictions and that i have been mislead instead of realizing that i have actually misled myself through making assumptions/interpretations/perceptions/ideas/belief about the materials.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uneasy/discomfort within working through this point with self-forgiveness and want to escape from here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by energy and become emotional.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let what come up within me to direct me instead of standing as the self-directive-principle and direct myself Here as breath.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by frustration through defining myself as frustration and acting upon it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to give permission for resistance to direct me and just want to find all sorts of excuses why i should not get over with it.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to use the excuse that i just do not want to do it to attempt to escape from facing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become a slave to resistance through participating in it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away through participating in resistance/emotions/feelings.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to conjure things up, form interpretations/opinions and then project it onto others.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to prove myself right through logic withoug understanding that logic merely allow one to loop in the mind instead of actually consider the common sense of what is best for all.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have trapped myself in my own logic without seeing what is best for all.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word logic, defining it to be bad instead of realizing that is neither good nor bad but what it is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)